Thursday, September 08, 2005

Cement Shoe Tunes

There are a few songs out there that need to be retired. Jimmy Hoffa kind of retired.

No Rain: Blind Melon

Yes! We all loved the bee girl. She was so cute and fugly at the same time. Bee-girl was the backwards outcast inside all of us. She was about individuality in the face of insurmountable odds—did you see the crusty that one guy sent her direction? It was soul-wounding.
At this point, however, it’s been twelve years. We don’t need to see or heard that retarded song ever again. I’m sick of Bee-girl. She should go overdose on heroin like everyone else in 1993 and never show her freckle-faced fat-ass on VH1’s Insomniac Theater again.

All of Pearl Jam

Eddie Vedder was cute…for a grunge rocker. There was pathos and complexity in P.J.’s lyrics; they represented all the best things about the Seattle Sound. Pearl Jam fought the evil TicketMaster and their career received a mortal wound. My question: why didn’t their faux-complex songs, brooding vocals and repetitive chord progressions die die die along with P.J.’s respective careers? They released only one song. They all sound exactly the same and I hate all of them equally, like ten red-headed step-children. Seriously, I want to find Jeremy, dig him up and punch him in the face. Can’t Find A Better Man? Don’t Call Me Daughter? Is there even ONE song on Ten that you can stand to listen to? Maybe they don’t play Pearl Jam where you live. Maybe you live on Pluto.

I hear a wind…

In 1991 the radio played one song, Roam by the B52s. You would think that after 365 days of playing one song for 24 hours a day, we could all universally agree that Roam served its purpose and should be retired. Instead, sometimes I still hear those ethereal yet menacing atonal measures escape my car radio and I start looking for the nearest telephone pole. Which one of you losers voted that we keep Roam in rotation? It’s pistols at dawn! I said good DAY.
Roam was just the beginning. Now I just loathe the B52s entirely. *Clap* You see a faded sign... I’m going to find a dirty hooker and give each B52 The Clap. Has any band ever been so enthused with including hand claps in their catalogue? What kind of imbeciles have to clap because they can’t be trusted with the triangle?! Remember when Rock Lobster was cool? Trick question, Brian Setzer, it wasn’t cool, you were a nerd trying to find yourself and you failed at that just like you've failed at life.

We Are The Champions

If 1991 belonged to Roam, 1992 belonged to We Are the Champions by Queen. You haven’t lived a true life until you’ve heard a bunch of German Teenagers singing “We are the champions, my friends” in their broken, heavily accented English, and realizing that they don’t know what the hell they’re singing about. All those stories of the Hitler Youth go rushing through your head and you remember why we divided Berlin up like bratwurst and spaetzle. It seemed like when Freddie Mercury died the world went nuts over Queen songs. Guess what? They weren’t that good to begin with and just like a used jock strap, they got worse. It’s not that I hate We Are The Champions; I don’t know that I even loathe the song. My feelings for Champions have transcended anathema and reached into the fourth dimension of abhorrence. Even a few notes of the chorus wafting through the TV from some third world soccer match makes me want to kick the corpse of Mother Theresa.

Any other musical nominees for Tony Soprano to Bada-Bing?


~j. said...

YMCA. Everytime I hear this I want to jump off a mailbox, headfirst. I have a story about this song, but to be effective, it can only be told in person. (lunch?)

Anything by Eurasure. Did you know that they (he) tried to come out with a "new" album a few years ago? You may have heard his ridiculous version of "Salisbury Hill", a very good Peter Gabriel song (when it's live), now infested with that renob from Eurasure.

I actually like atleast two songs from Ten, but I'm done with hearing PJ on the radio.

Also, Colors of the Wind.

Kate said...

Hmmm...I'm with you on the Pearl Jam songs, and I could even agree with you on the B52's.

I still like Queen and We are the Champions, but being a soccer fan, I think I'm just sentimental.

Songs I propose for the list: 'If you don't know me by now" I'm not sure who sings it. But that song needs to go. Although if you've seen BBC's version of 'The Office Special' David Brent releases that song as a was brilliant.

I'm sure I'll think of other songs.

Azúcar said...

Oooh The Office. As a boss who is foremost about people, David Brent is my model of the perfect supervisor. You just can't ignore such a powerful combination of humor and pathos.

I assume you mean Simply Red's cover of If you Don't Know Me By Now, which may be the best song ever released by any artist at any time in the history of man.

Azúcar said...

Erasure sucks.

~j. said...

I don't know if this counts as a song, but I could go the rest of my life without ever again hearing a jingle for Low Book Sales.

Azúcar said...

They're just awful aren't they? For those of you not familiar, the dealer in question has jingles made out of old songs. I was able to put up with most of the remakes until they took my favorite modern classic Baby Got Back and turned it into a used car jingle. I've drawn a line in the sand with Sir-Mix-A-Lot. If Low Book persists in crossing that line, say with Izzo by Jay-Z, I may be forced to write quite the curt note to their corporate office--they have been warned!

Kate said...

No, I actually mean in The Office Special, (which is where the documentary follows up with the people in the office three years later...and the Tim/Dawn stuff is great). Anyway, David Brent is trying to further his career in show business and spent all his money on releasing a single; "If you don't know me by now" it even shows the music video. Hilarious.

And I have to give a big 'word' to the Low Book Sales commericals, I hate them with the fire of a thousand burning suns.

The Lagoon commercials also irritate the snot out of me.

Azúcar said...

You don't want to Do The Bat?

Brent's cover of Simply Red's cover of Harold Melvin & the Blue Notes' If You Don't Know Me...sounds like a winner.

I have to confess, I'm a huge Office fan, but I haven't been able to catch the Christmas Special yet. I should rectify that this weekend.

kerri said...

Pearl Jam?? That makes me heart hurt.

Azúcar said...

Defend youself. You can tear something down that I like if you want (it's my blog, so you have to have permission to do so first.)

Kate said...

Have you seen the NBC version? I was prepared to not like it at all, but it's not bad. Not as good as the original, but still pretty dang funny.

And the Christmas special rocks, seriously check it out.

Azúcar said...

Yes. And here's why: I love Steve Carell. He could stand alone in a room, face the corner, and he'd still be funny. I don't know if there's another person who could have made our version of The Office work; Gervais had some very big shoes to fill.

One of my favorite Carell moments came while he was covering Indecision 2000 for The Daily Show. He was practicing his questions for John McCain while McCain walked right past him and didn't notice.

I love lamp.

La Yen said...

Gigi pooped a hammer this weekend.

Any song by Natalie Merchant has to go. Go far away. Far far away. I am so over emotional chick balladrock from the 90s. Maybe it is because I am on anti-depressants and can no longer "identify."

I do like We are the Champions, but only because I like to sing it to W while I am gloating about something. I also change it to "I am the Cham-peen OFTHEWORLD"

I also want my ward to stop singing Primary Songs in place of Sacrament Hymns. Nothing makes me more cheesed off than having to sing "Pioneer Children Sang as they walkedandwalkedandwalkedandwalked AND WAAAAALKED" in between speakers.