Friday, September 16, 2005

The Worst News Ever

Word got out today that Renee and Kenny are getting their marriage annulled. I thought that out of all the crazy kids in the world, they would be the ones who’d make it. Something happened (or didn’t!) in the confines of that marriage that we’ll never know about (until the torrid US double issue.)

So this got me thinking. I’ve been married twenty-four times longer than Renee and Kenny. I could probably have given the now tarnished love birds some marriage advice.

Like, Renee, do you know Kenny’s favorite food? You could totally have your personal chef call his personal chef and have it delivered to him post-concert. Speaking of chefs, and not to throw any stones here or anything, but maybe if you’d allowed calories in your presence he could have used those his and hers weenie roasters you got for your wedding, he really liked them.
What about having your Guatemalan gardener carve “My Hubby is HOT” into the lawn of his Tennessee estate? You might've had to have a few cars on blocks moved, but if that’s the price you pay for endless and eternal display of love (or at least until the lawn is mowed,) it’s so worth it. Perhaps the Liar Liar DVD and Elephant CD you got him at Best Buy weren't the best birthday presents. Maybe you could have gotten him tickets to a NASCAR event, or even a whole NASCAR car of his own with the model who poses with it (guys love that.) Although your closet is full of Herrera’s, would it have killed you to show up in the Hooters shirt and shorts that one time while he was bass fishing with his friends?

And Kenny? Men are microwaves; women are ovens, just in case you weren’t aware. When she caught you with the fat maid did you have to yell at her that she looked "A Hell of a lot better in that Jones movie"? Did you ever, even once, call up Carolina on the phone and have a dress delivered with a new Ethiopian baby for Renee? All her friends are getting one; you could have been a little more considerate.

I don’t want to throw this in your face right now, but the Federlines just had a baby. True, they’ve been married for three times longer than you have, but it seems they’re just in love today as the day when Kev first ditched his pregnant baby-mama for the Britster. I know, meeting at the CircleK just like the Feds didn’t seem as auspicious as, say, meeting a Tsunami relief event, but in hindsight—TSUNAMI, that might’ve been a clue. Just sayin’.

Oh, and guys, in case you're wondering, my friends might leave you more marriage advice in the comments section. Check back!


Anonymous said...
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La Yen said...

Carina, I want to sell you some stuff, too. Are you interested ina velvet dogs playing poker? Juarez Market has that for you. What about a pinata? Or some Menudo--band or hangover cure. Check me out at

Bek said...


That was one of the funniest posts I have read in a while. I especially liked the part about having a "dress and an Ethiopian baby" delivered.

I will proudly admit that I am a reader of People magazine and US Weekly. I have been known to call people for the sole purpose of discussing celebrity gossip. I recieve a call (while on vacation, no less) from a friend who wanted me to know that Gwenny named her baby APPLE. Yup. I enjoy the celebrity gossip. I don't envy the lives of these people, but they are intersting to me. It is like watching people that live on another planet.

GREAT marriage advice. Now if you will excuse me, I need to go track down my Hooters T-shirt.

Azúcar said...

Do you have any marriage advice for ReRe and CheChe?

It's not just the shirt, Bek, you need the orange wedgie tiny shorts too. I defy you to name an article of clothing more flattering than orange wedgie tiny shorts. Defy!

Bek said...

Did you know Chris Clark bought his mom a shirt from Hooters for Christmas once?

I have much more flattering article of clothing. Ladies and Gentlemen....I give you the unitard. EVERYONE looks good in one of those!

~j. said...

I read the People because I know a girl that's in it occasionally. And, my sister was quoted in this one acticle in the Star, which was humiliating.

Marriage advice for the Well, do they go on a weekly date? Attend the temple together? Have PPIs? Did they even try to work it out with their bishop? You know, marriage isn't 50/50, it's 100/100.

And while I agree that men are microwaves, I liken women to crock-pots, not ovens.

Bek said...

Jenny--who do you know that is famous?? Huh? I only know people who are related to famous people. Also, because of my husbands job and his family, we stay in places where I have SEEN famous people (Ted Casablanca and I are BFF).

Don't hold out on us.....come on.


~j. said...

A girl that I went to high school with is on/off Matthew Perry's girlfriend.

Azúcar said...


~j. said...

Yes, Janice. I went to high school with Janice. She's probably 28, just like me.

Bek said...

She seems so much older!! She also had a recurring role on Everybody Loves Raymond. That means she was just 22 or 24 when she first did

Is she nice?

~j. said...

No idea.

The person I'm ACTUALLY referring to is named Rachel Dunn. She's a year younger than me, and she's stunningly naturally beautiful, and that sweet as well. I haven't seen her in a while, but this summer I saw her mom quite a bit at a coffee shop in NY, owned by Rachel's brother.

Azúcar said...

Well, that's not as fun as you knowing Janice, but I guess that's ok.

La Yen said...

I thought Rachel's brother went to Alaska as Dirty Dog. He came back and got respectable?

~j. said...

different brother.

La Yen said...

My faith in humanity is safe.