Tuesday, November 01, 2005

Hot Off The Wire

APC Wire ---------In a statement released yesterday by stage and screen legend Paul Newman, he insisted that he and his wife of forty-eight years, Joanne Woodward, now be addressed by the combined moniker NewJo.

“In the interest of remaining current and hip we ask the public and press to refer to us by the name of NewJo.”

The august charity tycoon went on to say, “We feel it is both an apt and appropriate at this juncture of our respective careers to meld our personas into one easily distilled word. Also, ‘NewJo’ kind of sounds like ‘Cujo’ which is a fearsome reminder of our many accomplishments, not to mention, our favorite movie of all time. We’re pretty sure Danny Pintauro should have been the next James Dean.”

This statement follows on the heels of the recent announcements by Chrisleecur and Wilhanks that they, too, would be following the example of Vaughniston.

Reached for comment at her Malibu pied á terre, the fairer half of Wilhanks opined, “Frankly, although Tom and I have been married for seventeen years, it was time that we refreshed our public image. Just last week we spent a few hours down at The Viper and it was a blast. I think one of us puked right where River was found, so that was pretty funny.” A pal close to the Wilhanks confirms that “They were making out on the dance floor like love-struck kids. I think they had nachos and tequila while snogging in a back booth before things got ugly.”

Not to be outdone by Mearastill and Ozzyron, several old hats at the appellation athletics also dropped a few hints. At a Democratic Committee fundraiser event the capped half of BenGar confided to this reporter that he could “hardly wait to break up with ol’mood swing over there” just to see what conspicuous contraction would next be bandied about in the press.

Still, some longtime paramours insist that their autonym amalgams have nothing to do with current fads and everything to do with core belief systems.

The erstwhile Madge reported to the Red String Quarterly that, “Our friends have referred to us as RitchCicc for years now. It’s nothing new to us and when people bring it up I just tell them to get their dairy-lovin’ arses out of our business. Go Red—Man U!!”

“Five years ago, between attending an anti-Myanmar protest at the Century City Public Library and a Tibetan freedom drum circle at Alta Dena Middle School,” said crankypants Timdon, “We were counseled by the Upper High Shaman of the Maraguso Tribe and decided that our name integration would provide the best union of our chakras. Once those are completely united, we’re pretty sure that we’ll be able to put a stop to the Darfur crisis just through our positive light radiation.”

An unnamed source close to Newjo says that “They are definitely enjoying this time in their lives and think that this will add just another level of hotness to their reps.”


Rachel said...

you are hilarious....that's all i can say. and i'm still trying to figure out chrisleecur.

righteous mama said...

i concur with rachel harmon s. very clever! i'm thinking chrisleecur refers to jamie lee curtis and christoper guest.

~j. said...

you are so smart. s-m-r-t.

Azúcar said...

Thanks all, I think I read the MSN/IMDB gossip pages too much. You hate yourself for reading that nonsense, yet, sometimes you're so bored, you can't help it.

And yes, Lindy, you are correct!