jetsetgreen

Monday, January 16, 2006

Make The Call Now

I am not generally a gullible person, but I think all we need to achieve World Peace is Bare Minerals. I can swirl, tap, and buff my way to cover blemishes, red marks, and uneven complexions. If I had some sort of burn from a grease fire (don’t ask) or a scar from a bear accident (seriously, drop it) I would be able to swirl, tap, and buff it all away.

I almost cried when one of the chicks who’d been wearing incredibly depressing pancake make up to cover up FRECKLES (a bane of existence that I also share) and birthmark in the shape of Georgia, found that she didn’t have to use the thick regular makeup, she could use the s,t,&b, to make it all go away. Everyone felt so bad for the horrible trials she’d been through with her freckles, and tears welled when just a little magic fairy dust healed her deep wounds.

All the girls, SORRY, women who wear Bare Minerals are matte-yet-glowing-perfection. They also have good hair and can wear white without it making them look a.) bloated and b.) keep it totally spotless. All this can be mine (including the preternatural ability to keep my white clothes marinara-free) if I swirl, tap, and buff. The googly eye’d lady freaks me out a little bit. It would not be cool if my eyes went all googly with the swirling, tapping, and buffing. Did you know that Bare Minerals is made from all natural ingredients including mica which makes you literally glow? If I act now, I can get Warmth, a shade that both simulates candlelight on my skin and will also allow me to win the lottery without even playing it, never sleep again (unless I want to) and make me Dictator for Life of Puerto Rico.

Plus, it’s ALL NATURAL, which, as you know, means that it is perfectly good and healthy for me no matter what (someone said to me that mercury poisoning and arsenic are totally natural too, but whatever, they’re just playa hatas.) I am also totally not going to give you, Leeeeeza Gibbons, a second time of day with your knock-off Sheer Cover. You've never had an original bone in your body. Naming yourself Leeeeza doesn't count, because it's stupid. You were the last to get your own talk show, only the latest in a string of people to dye their hair blonde, and the whole "I'm so sincere when I talk because I really care" thing is totally over done. So save it Leeeeza! We all know where you got the idea, and we’re not buying it! (Literally!)

9 comments:

Geo said...

How was the princess party?

Emmie said...

But Leeeza's daughter AND Melissa Gilbert both back up Sheer Cover! (Don't ask me how I know that.) Come on, Carina. Out of the mouths of two or three witnesses . . .

AzĂșcar said...

Geo, it was a stuffed to the gills gab fest with lovely company. I hope your previous commitments were fun as well.

Emmie, if all your friends were to jump off Squaw Peak, would you?

p.s. I happen to know that you've actually tried Warmth, please, tell us all how it looked?

Emmie said...

With pleasure. It looked like I'd gotten a bad sunburn and then rubbed my face in St. George dirt.

~j. said...

*smirking and chuckling to myself*

Amy said...

I have a testimony of Bare Minerals. Warmth... not so much.... but Bare Minerals? oh yes. OH yes. I have a testimony. I am willing to share.

La Yen said...

I tried the bare minerals, because W wasn't there to enforce his "Jen is not allowed to order off of tv" ban. I liked it, but can't afford it. I loved the minerral veil. Warmth was not so good. I had to stop using it when they started to send it to me and charge me for it without asking...
password: jlozpero. That's right, Jennifer Lopez' dog.

AzĂșcar said...

For some reason, when this commercial is on, I can't look away. It's like they're beaming horse tranquilizers through the TV.

I object to the covering of freckles. I love my freckles. I love freckles on other people. Freckles are adorable. Anything that will cover freckles is suspect (or, as Stephen would say "It's on notice!")

tiff-fay-fay said...

I am so glad that for once I have no idea what in the helfizzle you are talking about except it's some sort of make up. I am only lucky enough to have recently discovered hair gloss so that I don't have shaggy ahir all the time. So, I think Bare Mineral might be out of my league.