Thursday, February 09, 2006

Time To Have That Talk Again

Every once in a while J and I have to sit down and have a talk. We talk at other times (like when we say “Hi” when passing each other in the hallway) but in this case, I have a very specific topic in mind. This is the talk when I remind him not to kill me.

Today Neil Entwhistle (what is he? A gnome?) was arrested in connection with killing his wife and baby. Tonight I will go home and form a discussion that centers on the fact that it’s pretty much never ok to kill me or the offspring. I don’t care how much in debt we are, it’s not the best solution. We could talk it out. If he was really angry, we could even figure out some stress relieving activities (e.g. spa vacations.) If J was intent on a murder-suicide, maybe he could just reverse that phrase and get to the murder part later. In any case, I don't want to go first because he made me. Not cool.

I don’t remember the very first time we had this talk, but I do remember the last few times.

Obviously, Scott Peterson is the first person I can recall. At that time we were trying to get pregnant. I decided to head off any kind of miscommunication by informing J that if, at any point, he decided that he didn’t want to be married, we could call the whole thing off, no hard feelings. My mom will always take me back; her return policy is very flexible. I stressed that it’s seriously no big deal if I am super pregnant and he decides he wants to leave me for a clueless single mom. No big deal at all. Obviously, I wouldn’t be happy, but I’d be downright cheerful if presented with the other alternative and given a choice to decide. We came to an agreement that it’s not ok to kill me while very pregnant.

My friend Tara’s neighbor, who tried to kill his pregnant wife because she was an impediment to his porn addiction, resurrected the topic. This time we (I) discussed in detail that should J be a.) addicted to porn, b.) decide that he was through with my nagging about said porn, the end result is still that it is not ok to kill me. Although this guy didn’t succeed, we thoroughly detailed that it’s not alright to even attempt the offing of me. I explained that while I would be angry enough about the porn that I would perhaps consider arrangements to have the offending organs removed, we could also just get a divorce, calling things even-steven.

Mark Hacking (again with the names) prompted the last discussion. I reminded J that even if he lied about going to school, it’s not ok to kill me. I’m pretty sure I’ve got that one covered. Although I guess that even though I register him, pay the tuition, check his online grades, and it would be quite the elaborate ruse (including intercepting my browser requests to re-route to a mockup of AIM,) I still wouldn’t put it past him to figure out a way to make it happen. He comes home with colorful stories about his professors and fellow classmates all the time. I'm pretty sure that he's telling me those stories for entertainment value/bonding, not to cover up a gigantic lie, but I could be wrong. It's happened once or twice. As a result of the Hackings, we added a corollary: it’s not ok to kill me or any unborn child that resides in mah belly, even if you didn’t know I was pregnant.

To sum up: not ok to kill me. Glad we’re clear on that.


~j. said...

I'm curious to know J's reaction to/participation in these discussions. I've never thought about having these discussions, but maybe I should and just hope for something other than the hysterical laughter I received when I confronted D with the VERY SERIOUS accusation of him cheating on me with my sister in the dream I had the night before.

**word verification: bumnegi **

Azúcar said...

He agrees that killing me is not cool. He says he understands and respects my wishes not to be murdered, and plans to comply with them.

J has countered with the Susan Smith issue. I've agreed to not harm the one child we have, nor any future children that may result from our union.

So, we're good.

Rachel said...

this reminds me of a robert hass poem, altho it goes in the opposite direction (wife stabbing husband in heart for having an affair with younger woman...) i'll post it on my blog tomorrow. too tired now...

BowlerGirl said...

Hubby and I have had this same discussion. (Also following these death-chain of events..Peterson, Hacking etc....)

Anyhow,Hubby has refused my offer to get an X-Box because he does not want to pulling a 'Hakcing'. He doesn't realize that I just want it for Dance-Dance Nation.