Monday, June 19, 2006


My dad was only allowed to buy candy twice a year, Halloween and Easter. Being the think ahead guy that he is, he would try to use those two legitimate times to stock up. He would have to hide them in various places, each more creative than the next (as all of us kids could ferret out a watermelon Jolly Rancher from the bottom of an LL Bean backpack from last year’s trip to the Uintahs.)

One such hiding place was at the top of his closet. You’d have to scale the built in shelves to get up that high; one foot on a hanger bar and the other on the shelf that kept a commemorative piggy bank.

I found the secret stash one day and located a Reese’s peanut butter egg (must have been May at that point.) In those days, the egg was like a half shell, flat on one side. I took a couple bites out of it and then heard the front door open. Knowing that dad was about to find me in flagrante delicto, I high tailed it out of the closet. Play it safe, he’ll never know. I casually blended in with my siblings, who were probably watching Small Wonder.

A couple weeks later, dad gathered us all into the kitchen where he asked the four of us to take a seat. He started his cross examination of the hostile witnesses. Everyone denied knowledge of the crime, three innocents and one bald faced liar. He disappeared into his chambers for a moment and then emerged with a package. It was plasti-tac, stuff that you pulled off a bar, kneaded, and then stuck to the back of posters to help it adhere to a wall without puncturing a hole.

He opened the package and extracted the stuff. He cut it into four equal pieces. He then made each one of us bit the plasti-tac, leaving our dental impressions in the polymer. Exhibit A: one partially consumed Reese’s egg was produced and laid in front of us, the incriminating bite marks perfectly preserved. He examined the egg and the dental impressions closely. Immediately he turned to accuse... my brother!

"Admit that you ate the chocolate, you stole it."
"But I didn’t!"
"Lying makes it worse, come clean now."
"But I didn’t do it!"
"Yes, you did, I have your teeth marks right here, they match the egg exactly."
"I didn’t do it, I promise!"
" Your punishment will be worse because you lied about it."

Boy, did my brother catch it.

Why wasn’t I caught with this pioneering use of forensic evidence? I’d gotten braces in those two weeks and my bite marks had changed.


Kiki said...

I can't believe your dad pulled out the plastitack! That is ingenious and hilarious that you let your brother take the heat.

Kiki said...

Okay, that makes no sense now. Ingenious = your dad with the plastitack. Hilarious = you letting your brother take the heat.

AzĂșcar said...

Yeah, my dad is ingenious about a lot of things, plastitac being the least of them. I came clean...fifteen years later. Oh what a millstone :)

LuckyRedHen said...

Dang. Let's golf with bowler.

Rachel said...

love it, love it, love it. your reference to small wonder (vicky and jaime, right?) and to the watermelon jr was very fun to me.

Emily said...

Please: was your dad only allowed to buy candy for himself twice a year? And was he ticked that someone (you) stole found hissecret stash or the stash he was lovingly going to give to his kids? I think these are important points of clarification.

AzĂșcar said...

Candy was a form of currency in our house. I think he was more unhappy that someone was stealing rather than asking.

Maybe he figured that his offspring would be too careless and leave candy wrappers around the house, tipping off Great and Powerful Mom that contraband was inside her domain.