Monday, August 28, 2006

Hit Me Baby

Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about Britney Spears. The Britster has had quite the year, let me tell you! First of all, her revenge marriage isn’t working out exactly as she’d hoped. Second of all, she got knocked up right after her number one son was born. While my marriage wasn’t totally based on revenge, I totally understand what she’s going through, really (even though I didn’t even meet my husband at the Circle K, promise. )

Our first babies were boys, and now we’re both expecting another child. Granted, my interval at three years seems a little more glacial than hers (Dear Federline, leave the poor girl alone for like two minutes!) at a little over a year. However, I understand, have ‘em while you can, Brit!

A couple of tales have come to light that I made me think of the solidarity of women. First, this story from Britney’s old pool boy:

“I was hanging out a little bit,” ex-employee Jon LaLanne told In Touch Weekly.
“She came out screaming at Kevin for lying around, then looked at me like I was
to blame.” The next day, LaLanne, says he got a call from Spears’ people, telling him not to report for work. LaLanne, son of the famed exercise guru Jack LaLanne, also has a band, and he says he and K-Fed would talk music. But, he claims, Spears would get jealous when her hubby talked to anyone else. “She wants Kevin on a leash,” LaLanne told the mag. “She fires everybody. I figured, ‘Why not me?’ I just didn’t expect her to be so mean.” He adds: “It’s a revolving door there. She’s not the nice person everyone thinks she is.”

Dear Mr. LaLanne, if you’re hanging around talking to Kev-bo that means that the pool is NOT getting any cleaner. Frankly, I’m with Britney. I don’t think it was mean of her to fire the pool boy. Mean would have been to shove his lazy-no-good-mug into the pool filter and ask him how he liked pool cleaning NOW. Maybe that’s not even mean. Mean should involve a quarter-race between the pool boy, a hyena, and a lion. Let’s see how far juicing gets you now. In any case, Britney, even if I had a pool-boy instead of a middle-aged female volunteer at my condo complex, I’d be on your side.

Sometimes, when you’re pregnant it’s all you can do to throw on any article of clothing to appear in public. I totally get that. Like this morning, even though I dressed in a cute BR skirt, red cami and crisp-ish white shirt, I committed a personally unpardonable sin…my feet hurt so I wore flip-flops. This might not seem like a big deal to you, but it’s a big deal to me. I might as well lay in my unwashed bed, surrounded by the detrius of weeks of poor housekeeping, open a bag of chee-tos (puffy, not crunchy,) wearing the shirt that still has frosting crunchies on it from a week ago, turn on a morning cocktail of Montell and Judge Joe Brown, and allow the drool to slow-hang from my mouth.

Which is why I totally GET this video store appearance:

Last week came this story:

Britney Spears is ruining all of K-Fed’s fun. The pop star is making her aspiring rap star hubby, Kevin Federline, get rid of his pet sharks, according to Life & Style. Spears, who is expecting her second child with Federline, apparently fears that the six Australian gray nurse sharks are a bit risky when there are two kiddies around the house. “Kevin loves those sharks,” a family friend told the mag. “He even named them. But Brit said there’s no way he’d be keeping them.”

I understand that Kevin named the sharks. I understand that he loves them (the simian brain is more capable than we give it credit.) However, I also understand that if a toddler times two can climb to the top of the entertainment center, they can probably figure out how to climb into a fish tank. I empathize with Brit because I told Other Half that under no circumstances was he allowed to keep the pizza boxes that he’s fallen in love with. I know he’s named them (“Meat Fantastico Delight” and “Spectacular-Spectacular Hawaiian Dreams”) but enough is enough, the toddler times two could get in there and try to consume the congealed cheese scraps and maybe even the plastic center holder. They had to go.

Today I feel like I want to crawl under a rock and allow the life to slowly ebb from my adorable, yet pain-ridden self. Our Britney decided to take that day and go to a coffee place.

So kudos to you, girl, for getting out of the house—I would have sobbed alone and on my couch.

Then this horrendous incident came to light:

The Dukes of Hazzard star Jessica Simpson was rudely snubbed by pop star Britney
backstage at the Teen Choice Awards on Sunday, when Simpson innocently asked if she could kiss Spears' pregnant belly. Simpson was hosting the show and the heavily pregnant Spears was there to introduce husband Kevin Federline's debut performance as a rapper. After Simpson made her request, Spears immediately shot back, "Hell, no!" A backstage witness confirms the incident saying, "Jessica was really insulted, but Britney refused to let her do it."

It’s not RUDE to stop walking venereal disease Jessica Simpson from kissing your belly, it’s your duty as a parent to stop that short-legged Domino shilling adulteress from getting near your developing child. What if—WHAT IF the kid came out with an inexplicable gift for cheesy Christian Rock and Double D’s that you just can’t hide—and it was a boy. You’d never forgive yourself. I’m imposing a two state restraining order on whore-lips Jessica.

Dear Britney, I totally understand.


Bek said...

Ha!!! That was great.

First, I love the decription of what your wearing flip flops is equivalent to...that is what I have been doing since Nori came home. At least YOU get dressed and SHE leaves the house.

I cringe at the idea of people wanting to TOUCH others bellys but KISS it? Just because it is Jessica Simpson doesn't make it ok. What if it had been her cashier at Sev? We would all be talking about how creepy it is and would anyone CARE that HE was offended? Seriously, that is just weird.

Azúcar said...

It's true, I dressed and made it out of the house today (barely.) But, just so you know, I had to BORROW these flip-flops from my sister as I didn't have an equivalent pair.

My friend came into my office today and asked me how I was because "I saw you walk by with those shoes and I figured you must be feeling really AWFUL!"

That's my girl.

Bek said...

I am sorry you feel so crappy. I haven't forgotten how that feels.

Were you sick like this with G? My friend Suzi never gets sick...she is on her third... it makes me want to hate her, just a little.. but then she brought me a diet coke and held the screamer while I took a shower... so, no hating today. At 12 weeks pregnant she is more together then I am ... Hmmmm...

April said...

I wouldn't want anyone kissing my pregnant stomach, either. That's just creepy. Who would do that? Weird.

wendysue said...

I loved that! Thank you for a break from my crazy day. I wish I could give you a break from crazy pregnancy nauseous gunk. I can totally relate to the just barely getting out of the house.

And what a fabulous friend that can tell how you're doing by what shoes you're wearing. . .we all should be so lucky (to have a fab shoe collection like you!!)

I can cut Britney a break but seriously, that outfit she wore in the interview with Matt Lauer? NO ONE should wear a skirt that short while preggos, or otherwise. . .

Azúcar said...

Skanky Jessica Simpson would.

Lucky or stupid, Wendysue? I have to borrow a pair of FLATS...I think I have a problem.

As far as that outfit, well, you can take the girl out of Kentwood...

compulsive writer said...

As soon as you said "puffy, not crunchy" I just knew.

(But at least you've still got a great pedicure. I dragged my lame and drugged body out for a pedicure just two days after ACL surgery because I just knew it would somehow make me feel better.)

metamorphose said...

Oh yes, puffy Cheetos indeed say it all.

Although draped in dreaded flipflops, you feet indeed still look adorable.

Kiki said...

"You can take the girl out of Kentwood..." Yes, have any of you SEEN Kentwood lately? It's a big trailer park.

Poor, poor Brit-Brit. I still haven't gotten over the Britney/Justin days. I miss that Britney. Now I just feel sorry for her, and I make it a point to never feel sorry for people who bring wo (K-Fed) upon themselves.

Apparently, Justin hasn't gotten over Britney either. Here's his latest um...rendition of "Cry Me a River", and no one come here and tell me that he said this song (What Goes Around) isn't about her. Who the h else is it gonna be about?

Also, da Brat, I hope this nausiated phase ends very soon. I hate feeling sick to my stomach. I can't imagine what I would be feeling if I were sick most of the day everyday. But flipflops aside, I'm sure you look fabulous, rocking that pedi and that BR skirt that looks so cute.

Julie said...

Wow. I never thought I'd feel any sympathy whatsoever for Britney Spears. But who wants ANYONE touching their pregnant belly, let alone kiss it?!?!? Still, I hope Britney gets stretch marks. Lots of them.

Azúcar said...

Thanks for the votes of confidence in the pedi. I slapped on the polish while trying to head out the door for Scot's wedding, it wouldn't do to have raggedy pink polish and bright red shoes (I guess I can still keep up something appearance related.)

Oh Julie, you don't gain 50 pounds (so far) without stretch marks. She's going to give those airbrushers a workout! Acne AND stretch marks, what a natural woman!

~j. said...

Her Barbies always did it on the first date.

This is me said...

I say if you actually marry a guy whose ex-girlfriend is pregnant with their second out-of-wedlock child and then expect everything to be happily ever after, you deserve what you get.

Except for the Jessica Simpson thing. No on deserves that.

fijiangirl said...

~j, your commment made me laugh so hard I almost wet my pants. Sorry but I must admit I am a Britney & Jessica Hater. Jessica is a sell out... Britney I wish the best of luckh to your children...they are going to need all the help they can get... any sightings of k-fed ever holding SP?

Azúcar said...

This is me, you know, to anyone else (on God's green earth) that would have been a red flag the size of Texas. But to our Britser it meant that he loved her more than anyone else has ever loved anyone ever. It was SOOOOOO romantic!

(I'm just surprised he isn't running a meth lab in her basement.)

~j She's like a baby, I'm like a cat; When we are happy, we both get fat

Fiji- her kids are going to grow up to be accountants like Tommy Lee's kids.

compulsive writer said...

Not to change the subject or anything, but you got me in the mood now to dish about celebs. Did any of you catch this? "I've always been a humble person," she says. "When I moved to L.A., I swear on my life I didn't have anything," Hilton said glibly. "I was living in a crappy model apartment. I told my mom I didn't want any money. And I've done it all on my own. All this, I bought for myself: my cars, my house. Who can say that at my age who's an heiress?"

Excuse me, but now I'm even feeling a bit nauseous.

Phoebe said...

I have to comment! Although Jessica would definitely wear a micro-mini, her legs would look okay in it. As for Britney? Maybe she should start following the BYU honor code. KNEE LENGTH! Better for everyone.
I am also wondering why she was even at a video store. Doesn't she have TiVo or a huge Satellite dish or a housekeeper?
And if she's getting rid of the sharks, why isn't Keven going with them? He probably is running a Meth lab in their basement. The poor girl, she's so confused! Although she wasn't confused about the kissing belly thing. What was Jessica thinking? I guess that's what we've all been saying for a few years now.

Julie said...

Are we allowed to use "Jessica Simpson" and "thinking" in the same sentence?