Friday, August 11, 2006

Temper, Temper

Years ago I put an extremely long fuse on my beast of a temper and let it dwell deep below. Other Half has only seen me really lose my temper a couple times in the decade we’ve been together. My father is fond of saying that a pregnant woman is more true to herself than at any other time in her life. If that’s true, then I am a fearsome creature.

Gestation makes my fuse thisshort (that’s very short.) In normal life I am willing to let a lot of things slide. I’m able to hold my tongue, at least in front of the person in question, let my blood simma down now, and chill. In my current state, the slightest perceived injustice, the merest indication of stupidity, unleashes my wicked tongue. Once the child is out I never cuss in front of it, but when it is in utero the poor defenseless creature may, at any time and for the most specious of reasons, be subject to swearing like a stevedore (I am currently pissed because the word document I’m using to write this thinks I misspelled UTERO and I DIDN’T, no I don’t mean “utters,” son of a…)

On Tuesday I went to Mates of State and Death Cab with ~J and cjane. I’m in the stage of “eat every two hours OR DIE from emptying the contents of your stomach.” Near the end of Mates, I had to get something to eat from the miserable commissary. I was a little annoyed that there was a huge line, but I stood on line anyway. When I finally got up near the front Mates was over and all of a sudden there were a whole lot of people who decided to just saunter up and plant themselves at the beginning of the line. AW HELL NO. “HEY, who DIDN’T stand in line?” I said, only moderately loudly. “YOU, you didn’t” I accused a pimply faced 17 year old boy. He blushed and left the line. The guys in front of me turned around and said, “We were here, we swear.” “I know,” I said, “It’s just that I’m pregnant and I can’t take these fools.” Those guys were so sweet and kicked all kinds of people out of line for me, the dears.

Later that night cjane told me of someone who was vexing her life. You have NO IDEA how much I wanted to drive over to that sucka’s house and give them the kind of verbal lashing that would loose their bowels in fear and terror. I still might. Watch it.

The KUTV anchor Ron Whatshisface was covered The Storm of ’06 a week ago. He started his news cast with “Lots of damage down in Happy Valley tonight.” REALLY RON WHATSYOURFACE? HAPPY VALLEY? I hate when people call it that. The expression is patronizing and inane. I can’t imagine something more asinine than referring to an actual county as “Happy” when in fact there is a woman inside it that will gladly rip your sad, strangely elongated head off.

At The Jolly Porter’s birthday party the topic of Raechaelaer Ray from Food Network came up. The Jolly Porter blinked a little when I announced to him that I’d like to find that food-orgasmic freak, take her by the neck and punch repeatedly. “You should ask the locals for restaurant ideas,” is her ONE AND ONLY piece of advice on her food travel programs. OH REALLY RAY? That’s your advice? I’m with Tony Bourdain here: she needs to stop her ascent to monopoly before we’re facing the REAL New World Order.

Yesterday I had my first appointment with the mid-wives. For those of you who’ve never been knocked up enough, your provider will usually give you a big bag full of pre-natal vitamin samples, magazines, coupons—corporate sponsored crap, basically. You all know how I feel about formula marketing. Yet, I couldn’t help but be surprised and instantly furious when I saw both of these items in my bag:

YES, that’s a copy of BabyTalk magazine with the cover story entitled “Why Women Don’t Nurse Longer” right next to a big freaking box from Similac with a free bag and samples. HMMm with that kind of implicit endorsement from a medical establishment it’s no wonder why women doubt the capabilities of their bodies and are undermined at every turn in their attempts to nurse. It’s been proven in studies that some women thought that because hospitals and doctors handed out those samples they endorsed formula over nursing. So screw those formula makers and their @$^#$#@ marketing tactics.
Poor Carrie heard the kind of double-deuce language over IM yesterday that would make Tarantino shake in his boots. I seriously wanted to go ape-@#$ all over their !@#$. Similac can kiss my grits.

Then I thought about things and decided that instead of being angry I should donate these things to people that NEED them. So if any of you formula girls (it’s your decision, not my business, you know best) and would like the samples/coupons/ etc, I’ll be thrilled to mail them to you, REALLY and TRULY (consider it an act of guerilla consumerism.)

I may have lost my temper, but I haven’t totally lost my mind (yet.)


April said...

I love when I'm not the only person with burning rage in her eyes. :)

metamorphose said...

Rock on your true fearsome self.

I'm glad you didn't let those effers at the concert butt in front of you. Doesn't anyone's mother teach them anything anymore?

Kiki said...

I was about to say, "Don't EVEN get her started on Similac!!" But you didn't even need the prompt.

Bek said...


I'll take them!!! I am glad we can still be friends even though I am a formula mom. Yes, I know that adoptive moms CAN nurse, but not this one.

Similac is the only thing that does't make this one burp all night long.......:-)

I am not a pregnant woman but I remember being one and I feel your pain. In fact, this whole "never sleeping" thing reminds me of the blessed first trimester.

What I love is that even though you feel like poo, you went to a CONCERT anyway. Good one. I knew you were cool.

AzĂșcar said...

What do you mean EVEN THOUGH? I think especially so, you're on my poster for Best Moms Period (formula has nothing to do with it!) :)

And that whole 'adoptive moms can nurse too,' I looked into that process a couple years ago and are you KIDDING ME? Who would have the time for that? Insanity! There's a reason why there is safe formula!

I will totally send you all my stuff, at least I'll know it's going someplace where it will be used (and for the sweetest baby to boot.)

Yes, I went to the concert, not even being a short-tempered you-know-what can stop me from rawkin.

Julie said...

You are so blessed to be able to nurse! I inherited this little-to-no-milk thing from my mother and grandmother. I tried to nurse with my first, second, and third but never could get anything. I pumped once and got 3/4 of an ounce. That was the most I ever got. (sigh) So, formula it is for my babes.

Oh--and I want you on my side if ever someone butts in line ahead of me. You totally rock!

lisa v. clark said...


I've always got something on my list. . .if you ever need to rant, chances are I'd probably have something to say about that. ..

c jane said...

Pregnant or not, you're always a good team member.

Bek said... made me get a little bit teary. :-) I don't feel like a particularly good mom these days, but having friends like you all helps. I have learned that I am a compliment whore. Oh well. ;-)

I am glad you are so comitted to nursing. I looked into adoptive breast feeding (not b/c I wanted to do it but because I wanted to see what the deal was) and put it under the catagory that I call "if that is what you feel like doing...GOOD FOR YOU!!". There are some adoptive moms out there that are very vocal about how you can't attach to an adopted child unless you nurse, etc, etc, etc.

I will love and appreciate the coupons and samples. It stinks that forumla is so expensive. SO expensive. THat and the diapers increased my weekly budget by a third. And by increased, I mean that now there is no money leftover to buy sushi. Sushi is my reward at the end of the week if I have managed to stay in my budget (my husband likes to point out that I could SAVE that money...but seriously folks....) Don't I deserve sushi? :-) You will now be knows as C...the one who makes cake and saved my sushi fund...

~j. said...

bek - sometimes the coupons I get for formula have my name on them, as if they're a check written to me, can you use those? I'll send 'em to you. I'm already packing up some of your Lu Clothes to send back your way...not that she'll need 'em anytime soon since she is so teensy...I'm happy to send the formula, too.

suge - "moderately loudly"???? Were you there? Because I was, and there was nothing moderate about it. It made me so grateful to be on your team.

ps - for this go-around, I pretended to be all interested in the Helpful Folder O' Fun at my first appointment, and then, purposely, left it on the doctor's desk.

AzĂșcar said...

Sushi is the best cause ever. As for not being able to bond unless you nurse, you cannot be serious. I mean, I GUESS you're serious, I'm not calling you a liar, I just can't believe someone would be so stupid as to suggest something like that. RIDICULOUS!

Julie- luck had nothing to do with it, I worked my butt off to nurse after some idiot doctor ruined my supply. There were tears, anguish, and pain. If I find that doctor I'm going to wring his neck. Interference was the worst thing to happen.

Thanks LVC--I'll keep that on the back burner because you don't need me calling you every 20 minutes to blow up about something or other ;)

~j - yes, for me that was moderately loud. Scary, huh? Some use projection for good, others for evil...

LuckyRedHen said...

I'll have to disagree. You might have totally lost your mind. You called those guys in line "dears." That is numero uno what you say when you lose your mind.

Just thought I'd share that.

compulsive writer said...

Way to go. I love it when people get real and are true to themselves. We should all be so gestated.

I try to be honest, even when it's painful, but I'm fairly certain that in certain situations I would have wound up divorced, fired and/or jailed if I let out what I really wanted to say.

So how was the concert?

And Bek, you're the best. Please try to not be so hard on yourself.

Queen Scarlett said...

I LOVED reading this - and laughing outloud at the *&^% spell check. ;-)

I love that you told those inconsiderate... ------- (ryhmes with tastards) who skeevied in front of you for food. There should be a universal rule - preggers get automatic front of the line and parking in front of the establishment... etc etc... otherwise I'll sit on you... or ream you until your ears turn red.

Never got aggressive until I got preggers and ... it was liberating. I don't let people screw me over anymore. ;-)

I'm with you on the Rachel Ray travels - you could feed her a shoe and she'd exclaim "mmm... this is delish... mmm..."

I'm likely to get a ton of formula stuff too... Bek - may I send them to you?? queenscarlett (at) gmail (dot) com - let me know! AND YOU ROCK TOO.

fijiangirl said...

Thank you! Thank you for this post! I am still laughing at this only because it was a mirror to my life right now. So maybe I am not prego but I am still dealing with the postpartum! IT SUCKS. My temper is the worst it has been my entire life. I am wondering if it gets worse with every child or maybe having 3 kids in a 4-year span is the reason. At any rate, some lady tried to cut in front of me in line at JCPenney after waiting for 45 minutes in their studio just to pick up some pictures. It was 113 degrees outside and the store's AC only cooled down the place to like 100! I tried to control my language because of the little ears around, the woman couldn't care less who heard the F-bomb. Because of her limited vocabulary she used it every other word. I was so ready to pounce on her especially after she called me a fat F*%k. It was like Jerry Springer in JCPenney. I had to get control of myself because I didn't want my kids to have a field trip to the jail to bail out their mother for kicking some ass! I am so relived to know there is some one else out there who has a short fuse. Hopefully my son's first word wont be S%$#. I know, I can kiss the mother of the year nomination goodbye!

As for the nursing thing big pats on my back, my baby is 5 months old and we are still nursing! Thanks to the help of a great lactation specialist and the B.E.S.T. program.

more caffeine, please said...

Azucar, Azucar, Azucar. I loved this post. Because I'm so ornery. Ask 18 how pissed off I get after having to pull over a total of THIRTEEN TIMES while on the road in Idaho. Really - it goes away after the first trimester? I beg to differ. And I'm mad. MAD. It's a blessing. A tremendous blessing that is one miserable, anger-inducing road. And I'm with you. So call me if you want to go bash in some mailboxes.

Bek said...

Send any and all coupons to me!!

A--I am taking you to lunch when I get back in town.....

Gestate away my lovelies.....

This is me said...

I'm not so much that way when I'm pregnant, but watch out after my kids are born. I become the ultra, mother bear, I will kill you if you so much as look at my children funny type of mom. I used to be a push over but having kids cured me of that. If we don't stand up for them, who will? Honestly!

Kiki said...

You ladies are not helping my already existing "I don't want children" state. I just want you to know that.

La Yen said...

Yay for you! I love being the not pregnant one when I hear all of the crappy stuff!
Plus, I am going to need to play the game on someone else's kid after October.