jetsetgreen

Thursday, October 05, 2006

So Much More Than You Wanted to Know

My life has been a little gross lately, which is why I’m going to tell you about it. I will only mention how I got to examine my toilet’s cleanliness (7 out of 10) tonight. Maybe I’ll mention being on the phone with my mom while making the latest mad dash, hanging up on her, having her call me back, and not actually being able to explain why I couldn’t answer her.

How about two days ago, when I walked into my house and thought, “Huh, a brown cookie on my living room carpet, some of those cookies are smaller…we…don’t…have…any…cookies.” A clean diaper lay in the middle, mocking me with its perfect flatness. When gently confronted, El Guille said, “Look! No poo-poo on the table! No poo-poo on the sofa!” I guess it was all MY fault since I don’t remember specifying to anyone to refrain from taking dumps on the FLOOR. I’m putting this out there to all family and friends: please, confine your personal evacuations to the restroom.

Today I went to the midwife: we got good news and other news. Good news, growing fine, no weight gain (good news for me, I did get a talk about making sure I’m eating enough.) Then a petit suggestion: relax and let the stress go to allow my blood pressure to return to normal. Uh, ok. There, it’s all gone. No it’s not. If I could just relax, I wouldn’t be in this pickle. I take full responsibility for getting angry when someone at work asks me a stupid question.

(I also blame my blood pressure on the 25 minute phone call to Café Rio yesterday to order lunch for work: 10 entrees, 25 minutes. 25 minutes of the lady on the phone expressing her inability to work their undoubtedly picture-filled ordering stations, “Touchy little bugger!”)

I explained to nice midwife that my job can be stressful. She said, “Oh, is it life or death?” Fully realizing the implications of her subtly phrased question, I answered, “No, no it’s not.” “Well then, take it easier.” Ok, so maybe my Lewis Black impression needs to be contained.

But how, exactly, am I not supposed to stress when here it is practically mid-October and I haven’t even thought about Halloween costumes for the family. I mean, I live in the same town as The CLARKS; I can’t just pick some willy-nilly trifle of an outfit.

How do we dress El Guille? Cute like Elmo (boring,) predictably like a dinosaur, or what? I need your ideas. I also need to sip some broth, consider a peppermint tea and engage in contemplative deep breathing. Maybe we should all go as Buddhist monks. Time to pull out the hair clippers; I think they’re in reach from my position in front of the toilet.

21 comments:

Kiki said...

El Guille should go as a Southern lawyer: seersucker suit, bowtie, round rim glasses, charming smile.

compulsive writer said...

I know what you mean about Halloween pressure. I live on the same side of town as the Freakin' Francis Family (scroll to the bottom of the page).

Maybe I ought to just give up and move out of the country.

Or ban Halloween along with Harry Potter...

cafe rio whore said...

That new lady has NO IDEA what she's doing.

Rachel said...

what about an organ grinder? my mom dressed my brother as that one year. i think he even had a stuffed monkey on his shoulder? the whole town must have thought my mom was smokin' something.

sorry about the stress. deep breaths. i taught that to leah 2 years ago (she was a pretty amped child) and now i'm teaching it to esther (another amped child) and the side benefit? i relearn it myself----and it's very helpful. it brings you "back to the body" when your mind is running rampant.

good luck, my chica.

Anonymous said...

Elvis.

c jane said...

Aren't the Clarks from Oak Hills?

I second Kiki's idea. It cracks me up just thinking about it.

Also this: I'd go Buddhist monk with you any 'ol day.

Darth Vaders Pet said...

I command you in the name of the republic to dress El Guille like Dora the Explorer's monkey. Both Jabba and I think it is a marvelous idea.
Yours in the Jedi,
DVP

sue-donym said...

Does Cafe Rio have a fax machine?

www.buycostumes.com
www.lillianvernon.com

Buy everyone scrubs and go as the cast of Gray's Anatomy.

That deep breathing crap never works for me. Hot baths and a nap.

La Yen said...

Oompa Loompa.
Put pants on his head and have him go as Mocoface
They have a hilarious chicken suit at Target.
I also likes me the monkey grinder.

Queen Scarlett said...

I had the opposite deal with the blood pressure - during pregnancy and in general... they're always asking me if I'm alive... no - no I'm not... I just like hanging around in this life when I could be harping it up.

I love Lewis Black. You just need some F-bombs in your speech. ;-)

You're a mother... how can you not have stress? Good luck with the costume... I'm trying to find a June costume from Little Einsteins...

Azúcar said...

Oh Queen, I already have the f-bombs. I need to dial it down and off.

All good ideas, which I shall consider, except for the Dora stuff, because I think he and I have seen a combined one episode when mocoface was screening it.

c jane said...

Maybe he could be the muffin lady from Cunningham Muffins. (I can't believe I just watched that and will never get those 2 minutes back of my life. It's a sad day for all.)

Bek said...

He can be chicken little....yellow tights, white shirt and shorts and a red kitchen glove for the hat...round glasses...easy costume ideas on Family Fun.... :-)

You can be Princess Leah, he can be Yoda (best costume ever!!) and your hubby can be Luke skywalker. :-)

OR he can be a serial killer and just go how he always looks b/c everyone knows serial killers just look like everyone else...

Darth vaders pet said...

I like the way Bek thinks. May the force be with you.

b. said...

oh, boy........SUE SAID:
"That deep breathing crap never works for me. Hot baths and a nap."
I read at first glance "....hot NAPS and a bath" Isn't that what got you in the predicament in the first place?

I've made an appointment with the optometrist, ASAP!

This is me said...

I'm gonna be all PC this Halloween and send my boy and girl as a Cowboy (him) and an Indian (her). We have ALOT of Indian Reservations in this area so I certainly hope no one is offended. But, whatever, I'm from Texas. IT'S ALL I KNOW, PEOPLE.

Bek said...

Jacob is going to be Mr. T this year (mohawk and all) and Lu is going to be a "witchling" it is some Japanese doll thingy.

Norah is going to be a cowboy. I had to justify the little pink cowboy boots I bought her. yes, my 8 week old has cowboy boots. :-)

undefined said...

How could you think I might not recognize you?! Last week someone at work made a comment about the clap, and I immediately thought of you. You should be flattered, really, that references to unsavory diseases named after ocean cockroaches make me think of you. In any event, I am delighted that your own case has cleared, but I confess that I'm still fighting mine. It's a nasty bugger, but what can you do?

By the by, I give you my word that I will never defecate on your living room floor. And my sister once dressed her little girl up as a flapper, which is something I can see you doing. Not for a boy, but being childless myself it's all I've got. Good luck with that.

Geo said...

I'll share my costume plan with you. Maybe you can get a child-sized umbrella so you can transform your little poopster into . . . this.

Geo said...

P.S. I have a difficult time relaxing too. Perhaps we should try looking to Buddha for guidance?

reva said...

I'm back! So sorry about the poo, but thanks so much for sharing... I'm not going to think it's so funny when it happens to me, but good golly you just gave me the best laugh ever:)