Monday, December 04, 2006

“¡Que Horror!” La Professora said on Saturday. We took El Guille to the children’s B.Y. Christmas party. It’s not as fun as you remember. They switched out the spice doughnuts for regular ol’ glazed (but not the good kind.) They had punch, not scalding hot cider. I missed the glow-y feeling you get from downing a full eight ounces of a practically boiling beverage. /End food review.
I used to love getting my box of Cracker Jack after seeing Santa and then parading past the beauty queens of yester-year (Hey Michelle King!) to the upstairs screening room to watch cartoons. Road Runner and Daffy—larger than life size; sticky sugar fingers covered in paint from the craft.
This year there were booths and games where you had to wait in line, which we did. Guille scored a one inch bouncy ball at the fish-for-a-prize, totally worth the wait, believe me. We skipped the mile-long Santa line. I'm pretty sure Guille would have refused to sit on ANY lap other than mine (a trait that I am ok with, for now.) After he turned down knocking over cans with bean bag missiles, we went to find the doughnuts and found something extra.

Oh! The lights! The spangles! Tween girl performance groups! Did I mention the spangles? Oh, well then, let’s not forget the corsets, or the 8 year olds in silver spandex. “¡Que Horror!” La Professora said. I looked at the strange sight of very young girls performing with thrusting hips in unison and gulped. All around the room I could see mothers thrilled with their make-up encrusted girls. I wondered, really, is it necessary to wear that much base? It’s the Wilk Ballroom, not 42nd Street. They were Very Serious about their musical holiday yuletide spreading—committed performers, one and all.

El Guille couldn’t look at the stage. He insisted on sitting facing the opposite direction. “That’s ok,” I whispered to him, “I know you don’t approve of the objectification of women, let alone little girls, either. I’m with you, 100%.”

“¡Que Horror!” La Professora said, “What are we preparing those girls for? The pole? I can’t look anymore. ¡Que Horror!”

I laughed, a lot, because just the other day I told her the Chris Rock bit where he says his goal as a father is to prevent his girls from ending up on the stripper pole. I’m so glad nana can still learn and apply new bits of pop-culture into her vocab. You need to hear her accent saying, "The pole?" Seriously, I don't know of a person in my life who is less apt to use "pole" in that context while in conversation (well, one other person--inside joke alert--'what in the H....R...')

“¡Que Horror!” she said, for the fifteenth time, and not the last.


Sunday, at dinner, I found out that my sister likes to invent entire careers for herself at parties. A couple of months ago she told everyone that she was an estimator. “Oh?” people would say, “How does that work.”
“Well, I just tell my clients that the cost will be between seven and ten million-ish. After all, I’m not an actuator, I’m an estimator.”

What surprised me is that people don’t challenge her. If I was at a party with her and she told me that she was an estimator, there would have been a lot more questions. She was a psychologist last month, “But mostly for corporate clients.” She also speaks three languages, "English, Spanish, and Math."
"Yeah, you know, Pythagorean, a-squared, that whole thing."

A couple days ago she was a librarian. “Oh,” said the nice girl with whom Lisha was conversing, “Do you like to read?”
“Actually, no, I don’t. I find that there is so much great educational television out there, it’s really unnecessary to read anymore.”
“That can’t be very good job security…”
“Well, I view this more as an entry level position, you know, to climb the corporate ladder.”

I said, “Lish, the Corporate LIBRARY ladder?”
Lisha, “I know. I’m really surprised more people don’t call me out on this stuff.”


mander said...

I don't know if you remember this, but you would always make up entire life stories for people we saw walking through the KMB or Wilk (or wherever) ... I was always jealous of your ability to make up entirely believable BS. Apparently it's an inherited trait, so now I don't feel so bad that I can't do it. It's just one more thing I can blame on bad genes.

~j. said...

Lying is a skill, and, unfortunately, a hard habit to break (not that I'd know that...).

I have studied those walls in search of Michelle King and I can NEVER FIND HER. I always hit the end of the line, only to turn the corner and find the lineup of Miss BYU Native Americans of the past.

undefined said...

I laughed out loud reading about your sister -- and fondly remembered your days in the KMB (I'm so glad Mandy remembers, too!) making up crap about people. My older sister and I used to listen to the conversation of the people at the table next to us during dinner or lunch at crowded restaurants and then we'd have an entire conversation of our own built around their lives, and sometimes our fake conversation lasted the entire meal. It was make-believe for grownups. Speaking of grownups, I want to be an estimator when I grow up.

Bek said...

That is funny about your sisters. I would do the same thing!!

Did you see that you won the cards from Design Mom? Yippe for you!

Anonymous said...

Your sister makes me laugh and so does La Professora. And I agree with the horror of gyrating 6 year olds in tacky outfits. I'll never forget half-time at the San Fran bowl game 18 played in last year. 100 girls ages 9-16 in RED BRAS and hot pants.

And 99% of them were AT LEAST 30 POUNDS OVERWEIGHT. And the crowd just gaped...

Kiki said...

Lisha is my new hero.

Anonymous said...

YOU are my new hero because you know how to make that upside-down exlamation mark.

Rachel said...

freakin' hilarious

Emmie said...

I read this post out loud to Stu. He really wants to invite your sister over for dinner.

Queen Scarlett said...

Que Horror is so much funnier than any exclamation in English. I am going to use from now on. I love your Grandma and now get to find out your sister is hilarious. She should be invited to ever dinner party - would make them far more entertaining.

April said...

Your sister sounds hilarious...or disturbed. :) Either way, life of the party.

La Yen said...

That is my new past time. Watch me.

Geo said...

Hahahaha! And amen!