Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Pterodactyl-like Sounds

Sometimes, when my three year old starts to whine and tosses himself on the floor, I'll take action (versus ignoring him.) I scrunch up my face into an evil mask of itself and emit a pterodactyl-like sound. I’ll repeat that sound every time he starts making noise until he stops whining and starts laughing. Frankly, it’s just because the whining is annoying to me and I figure if I’m annoyed, he should be as well.

I was watching this man tell his story about having his leg broken by a humpback whale. The best part was that he was using a little toy whale to show how the creature turned to attack him. “She turned, like this,” he said as he maneuvered the plastic toy.
Show me on the doll, sir.

This baby is a faker.

We didn’t leave the house this weekend on caution of “any minute” from the midwife (yeah, I don't know how I got to a 6 and 80% effaced without any contractions either, but I did.) As a consequence, I have cabin fever and am bored. If you’re in the mood for fun, call me, especially after 8. That sounded slutty. But I am serious. Cinn-a-stacks anyone?

I don’t mind my friends asking me how I’m doing, because I’ll tell them the truth. However, if strangers, or neighbors, random relatives, or people I don’t particularly care for ask me I want to punch them in the teeth. It’s especially the “you must be SO DONE with being pregnant” people with their phony smiles. Whatever, tools. I don’t want to synthesize how I’m feeling for you into a little nugget of polite response. The worst is when they try to carry the conversation farther than the initial exchange; that’s when I have to remember that people are being polite and are NOT TRYING to piss me off. I have to swallow the bubbles of fury, smile and play along—it’s like being named Miss Congeniality!

My road rage is at a peak. A Saturn cut me off the other day because I was slowing for a RED LIGHT so that he could get to the light 1 second faster. I have never wanted to crash my car into another car so much in my entire life. I sent an obscene gesture his direction but he didn’t see me—which made me want to drive faster, catch up to him, and repeat the distinction. I seriously had to have a conversation with myself where I mentioned that I was both pregnant and had a child in my very small car so that I didn’t crash into him. But I wanted to. A lot. Still do.

I need some book recommendations. Here are my stipulations:
1. No young adult (because I don’t feel like it right now.)
2. Must be available from the liberry, because I am poor.
3. Nothing from a series that isn’t done yet.
4. I need amusing, fun, thrilling, or completely enthralling—nothing ponderous—one of those books where you have to stay up till 4am to get to another chapter (‘cause guess what time I’ll be up to soon. Well, not that soon, the faker.)


Geo said...

Here's a book I picked up on a whim last time I was at the OPL, and it's proving to be a really enjoyable read, and easy to pick and put down. Something different, and unlikely to cause too much additional rage. Good luck to you!

compulsive writer said...

With your brilliant command of the English language (and unless you loathe fantasy) you might enjoy the Thursday Next series by this amusing Brit.

The first one is called "The Eyre Affair." I got sucked in by the promise of bibliowit and I was not disappointed.

c jane said...


~j. said...

Since "not if I've read it before" is not one of your stipulations, go for Me Talk Pretty.

'Cause you can't kill the rooster.

Emmie said...

Books I have enjoyed lately:

The Ghost Writer by John Harwood
The Fig Eater by Jody Shields

Both are spooky good fun. In the non-spooky category: right now I'm enjoying Pam Houston's Cowboys Are My Weakness - a collection of her short stories.

P.S. You must be SO DONE with people asking you if you are so done with being pregnant.

P.P.S. I have road rage lately, but I have nothing like your excuse.

pflower10 said...

I can't help but hope that I haven't been one of those people that have asked you the annoying questions, so if I have I am very sorry!

My Fav books this past year have been "These Is My Words" by Nancy Turner which does have a sequel but I have not read it yet.
The other is "The Bonesetter's Daughter" by Amy Tan. I am just about to start "The Mermaid Chair" and I hope that is as good as "The Secret Life Of Bee's"

Julie said...

One of my favorite books is Paradise Vue by Kathryn H. Kidd. I know, I know--it's LDS Fiction, but it's not your usual "they had problems but got married in the temple and thus lived happily ever after" type of LDS Fiction. (My apologies to anyone who loves Anita Stansfield and other such LDS writers, but those books SUCK. Give me something with real value.)

Paradise Vue is freakin' hilarious. It paints a realistic picture of LDS women that is not only brutally honest, but loving--and funny. I love it. Not everyone does, but I suspect you might like it. And Provo Library has a copy
checked in....

more caffeine, please said...

6 and 80%. Sounds familiar. That's where I was when they admitted me and I felt nary a contraction. Yay for you. Trey's so mellow I'm thinking it had to do with his laid-back-whatever personality. Hopefully that means the same for you.

pflower10 said...

I forgot to tell you I also was 6 and 80% and NOT in labor. When my midwives found that out they admitted me right away and I had the baby w/in about 45min of a water break. I wasn't in labor but I was soooooo unbelievablly uncomfortable.

metamorphose said...

Sadly, all of the books I'm reading happen to be ones I probably wouldn't recommend.

I'm also reading a comic right now -"The Walking Dead" -and I LOVE it, but unfortunately, it's not completed yet, so it doesn't meet your stipulations.

If I think of anything better, I'll let you know.

April said...

"I Capture the Castle," by Dodie Smith.

It will surely hit the spot. It has a permanent spot on my bookshelves. I'll try to think of any others.

kristenlibrarian said...

1. I have constant road rage. Just ask April. And I'm not even in the hormonal upheaval that is pregnancy.
2. Books to read: Lake of Dead Languages by Carol Goodman (takes place in an all girls boarding school – delish) OR Haunted Ground by Erin Hart.
3. If this kid keeps faking just let me know. I'll come over there and straighten him up.

Queen Scarlett said...

I wanted to echo CW's recommendation - it's also fun on audio cd... so entertaining!

I still love The Time Traveler's Wife - if you haven't read it yet.

Angry Housewives Eating Bon Bons

Kite Runner... fascinating read - if only the fact that I was shocked anyone could be so weak.

AzĂșcar said...

Thanks for the recommendations all! We went to the library today and I judged a few books by their covers. Tonight as I tucked El Guille in he said, "Mama, thank you for library, thank you for library books."

April, great rec, I LOVED I Capture The Castle--everyone should read it. Unless your name is Goss, 'cause it's not your bag.

I'm glad other people struggle with road rage. I used to suffer with road annoyance, but lately this rage is unlike anything I've ever experienced.

-J, dangit, it should have been a stipulation. I always feel guilty re-reading regular books because there are so many other ones to try. I will, however, listen to some Sedaris while doing the dishes tonight. Deal?

Interesting 6 and 80% stories... I wonder what the stats will be Friday, 8 and 97%? How long will it be before I'm walking down the aisle at Ream's and all of a sudden the baby just DROPS OUT, right there in the frozen foods section? These are things I have to think about before I leave my house!

Haley said...

If I were in your 6 & 80% position, I would have the worst road rage EVER!! I get road rage so easily, I don't know why.. it usually happens when my kids are with me in the car, wait, they are always with me in the car.. but really, end of pregnancy road rage should be classified as some sort of a "condition"

April said...

Azucar, Glad you love it, too!! Also, Kristen's recs are also muy excelente! Both are superb books that I should also keep on my shelf!

b. said...

Please don't drop your baby at Reams, mmmmm 'kay?

Becky said...

The Historian by Elizabeth Kostova.

It is great, I just finished it. It's from the vampire genre but with a cool spin and no gratuitous sex/swearing scenes.

Oh, and how can you NOT have road rage living in Utah. Worst drivers I have ever met and I have driven in LA, Boston, middle of Times Square in a minivan, and multiple times across the country.

When you get back in the mood for young adult/pre-teen books, try The Clique series. I've only read the first one, but I am hooked.

Hope you have your baby soon. I hate waiting for those last days of pregnancy to end.

Becky said...

Oh, I just thought of another one!

The Glass Castle: A Memoir by Jeanette Walls

A great true story about her crazy childhood. She's the lady who writes the gossip column Scoop on

Amanda said...

A Girl Named Zippy by Haven Kimmel


Forever by Pete Hamill