Sunday, April 08, 2007

I don’t like to unnecessarily toot my horn, but I’m really good at talking on the phone. You could call me at any time and I’m likely to pick up, sound welcoming, and engage in witty repartee.

I’ve joked about it, but sometimes, I really want to charge people for phone calls. Why? Because I am the answer service. Lucky likes to call me to get directions. She also calls to ask on which aisle of ‘X’ store can you find product ‘Y’ (don’t let the x & y thing throw you algebra phobs; now that I’m married to a math teacher I have license to throw ‘stuff you can solve for’ into regular conversation.) I get emergency baking calls, recipe dialers, trivia questioners, and all sorts of other folks just dropping me a line.

Sadly, we have fallen on rough times. A curious side effect of these baby blues is fear…

Fear of the phone.

I don’t want to answer it. I don’t want to talk. I don't want to make a call. I’m no Clark, but now I know how they feel. I just can’t keep up the user experience that my callers deserve.

My verbal skills have taken a dive. That’s the first thing to go when I am tired. I can’t talk. The words are right there, like a teletype in my head, but they just don’t come out. Inside I want to say, “Will you please fix the overturned chair?” but I look at Other Half and stutter, “Uhm…you….uh…chair?” Like a MONKEY, or someone from Levan.

I’ve been crummy company at two social events this week. I tried to speak as I do normally (with some verbal acuity, trust me) and I ended up sounding conventional, maybe even boring. There were some serious lags in convo—this from a chick who was once offered a job (it was only slightly facetious) to come to dinner parties and cocktail events to spark debate and lively discourse. I’m pretty sure the invitations are going to cease, which is just as well. There’s no need to inflict another run of the mill conversationalist on the world.

Now when the phone rings I just feel a sense of dread.

I am going to have to talk to someone.

Can’t I just text you?

Drop an email?

Don't make my tongue put one word in front of another.


Emily said...

Well. You could've fooled me. Judging form the contents of this post, I'd say you're at the top of your witty wordy game. i love posts that are written about a personal detail (ie losing one's conversational edge) that turn out to be so universally clever and enjoyable :)

~j. said...

Just how many social events have you attended this week? Because at the two at which I saw you, you were FABULOUS company, as always. Lookin' fly with the kimono wrap.

compulsive writer said...

Not only that, you attended two social events less than one week after giving birth! That knocked you up (oops--so sorry for the pun) several notches on my most admired women list.

In my baby blue kingdom I would answer the phone and just start bawling. Didn't matter who it was--my mom, a friend, or the television repairman. So if you can get words out--no matter in what order they arrive--you're doing great sister.

~j. said...

ps - the phone in my bedroom is a red rotary-dial phone exactly like that one.

Tori :) said...

I never answer the phone. Call me anti-social. I prefer emails or text messages.

acte gratuit said...

Dear Sugar,
I've noticed that you pop up in the "comments" section of many of the blogs I frequent, then today, my saw my SIL (musings and misadventures) had a link to you on her blog. I clicked on the link, saw that it was you, and was dismayed to find no real picture to satiate my curiosity. (Whenever I see a comment from you, I think "I wonder what she really looks like?")

Now, I understand the use of goofy husband pops up as either Buster from Arrested Development or a creepy Djinn from the book "Bartimaeus". But I already know what he looks like so I don't care.

But YOU are still a mystery! As is the source of your posted pic. (Though I tend to think it originated on SNL.) Anyway, just thought I'd let you know that you're causing at least one pregnant woman in the world to suffer.
Not-clever-enough-to-post-with-a- funny-picture-in-Rhode-Island

fijiangirl said...

This is the very reason why I haven't called you! Now don't get me wrong, I am dying to get some juicy details but I remember what those days were like with a brand new little person and figured that I need to be patient. But I am sure you have greatly exaggerated this problem! Because I just can't picture it!

Azúcar said...

Tori--I've determined that the home phone should always be avoided. The cell phone can be ok, but not right now.

Emily--I don't know why the words can't tumble out of my mouth but can squirm out from my fingers. Seriously, I feel mute. This must be what Helen Keller felt like. Fo real.

CW-that's how I feel when people look at me, the tears just spring.

Those two social events were MUST ATTENDS. Mandatory staff meetings.

acte-- sometimes, you just have to dig a little bit.

modmom said...

wow! you summed it up for me too.
glad i'm not the only one,
i love email for that reason + the ability to edit, delay to mull it over + research answers + or delete before sending.

i'm so glad to find your clever blog!
i'm goin to check out midcentury utah
that's right up my alley!
i'll be lurking.
i'm having contests on my blog now too, so please come over + enter

Clyde said...

I was clueless about you, too. Thanks to Acte Gratuit now I can put a face to your words. The shots from your baby shower are gorgeous so you and your family/friends as models. The pics seems very professional to me. Did your friend use an special kind of lenses/camera/setting? Just wondering.

PS Congratulations on your new baby! Since I saw el Guille in previous posts I know this new pal is a handsome kid already. :)

b. said...

Listen, I'm in awe of you. Making an appearance so shortly after the major production that is your baby.
You did just fine. You looked beautiful. You did wayyyy better 'n me, which is why I generally speak to children when my verbal skills are lacking. Me and El Guille had a great chat!
Get some sleep!

metamorphose said...

I forgot my cell phone today...and I love not having it with me. When I purposefully forget it, I feel kinda guilty, but when it's geniune forget, I rejoice.

I hate hate HATE the thought that people can call me at any time -and worse, that I'm expected to always answer. This probably makes me sound like an old crone, but I don't care.

Anyway, I thought you were lovely company last Saturday -and you looked fantastic! I would have never guessed -(besides the obvious clue of a newborn attached to your body) -that you were suffering from sleep deprivation.

Emily said...

I want to second what Emily said.

Lucky Red Hen said...

If you weren't so dad-gum knowledgeable about EVERYTHING then I could call someone else. But, here's the thing. You know so much about everything that I can get all my questions answered in one shot. Directions AND baking woes? ONE CALL, THAT'S ALL

Azúcar said...


Chanel said...

sorry to chaneg the subject but i have a whole new respect for you after reading your comment on CW about the Princesses and the poster. Oh man I thought I was goign to die! I wish I could make you laugh like you made me!! Maybe Im bad but cussing Mormons are the best company!

Lyle said...

Unplug the phone and then it won't ring [you won't hear it ring] and therefore will not feel obligated to answer it. Then when things return to normal, plug it back in.

Nothing wrong with a communication change-ups. We'll take blogs, emails, whatever you're up too.

I won't even charge you a nickle for this lousy advice.

acte gratuit said...

THANK YOU! Mystery solved. Now I can sleep at night!!! (Very cute pics, btw!)

c jane said...

I've just been showing up at your house. That works too, right?

Haley said...

Is anyone as great at phone ditching as a Clark? hmmmmm. nope.

Rocketgirl said...

The same thing has happened to me too with the blues and such. Phones still scare me. I am glad you still blog though - that scared me too. mmmmmWHA!

Rachel said...

I haven't had a baby and I still prefer texting and emailing to actually talking on the phone. I love technology--it lets me disconnect from those I love, but don't want to talk to.

pflower10 said...

If what you say is true well then you sure do hide it well. I didn't detect any brain drain when we spoke. Of course that could be because I am still feeling the effects of my own brain drain.

Geo said...

Don't worry. Making a beautiful new person is a whole lot more impressive than making a few measly words. Your language center is probably just napping for now—catching up on sleep till the rest of you can.

You still type well.

Phone phobia is the worst. I've had it since 1987.

Mo Jo's Weekly Update said...

I already forget what floor my ob's office is on and I go every two weeks. I can't wait for the grand hoo haw of shutdowns. Thanks for the advice by the way (on the chair). Now can you bake me a barbie cake by chance?

love.boxes said...

I am way past the baby blues at this point, but since I've been away from the office, I don't navigate social landmines as well and find that my feet end up in my mouth so to speak, but if you make me type, "the characters you see in the picture above" first, I more often seem graceful as I can delete first before making an arse of myself. This is why I love the puter. I am much more graceful online. Love the post by the way. :)

April said...

I only hate when the phone rings when I'm watching must-see-TV. But you must be a tired mama these days. A newborn and a toddler? Yet you're still so witty and coherent.

I promise not to call you, though. Unless I need you to make a Barbie cake. ;)

sue-donym said...

I thought you did quite well the other day. It was lovely just visiting one on one. Call me when the next loads come out. :)

Anonymous said...

Listen, lady, I emailed you as soon as I found out you hatched #2. I don't know what you want me to do, here. I'm not the boss, but I still need some info. He is so cute. Sniff. Cute cute cute. Want to kiss the little cheeks.

Take care of your hot self and your brood of 3 (!) men now. We'll talk soon?

-The L in Alaska