jetsetgreen

Thursday, June 07, 2007

Lovely Coping Mechanisms

Tiff-fay-fay and I like to watch bad movies. We love renting turkeys and seeing the awful unfold. Sometimes those movies turn out to be hilarious. Try Glitter, that movie might be one of the top ten comedies ever. Sometimes those movies turn out to be even worse than you imagined. Gigli, for example, went from bad, to good, back to bad, and ultimately crossed the line to abominable.

So it was with Swept Away. Swept Away stars Madonna, a big strike one (or plus one if you’re into laughing AT a movie.) It is directed by her husband, strike two (he’s actually not a bad director, but directing your pushy spouse can’t be easy.) It’s a remake of a movie that has a lot of political and social commentary, all of which were sliced away (naturally, it’s a MADONNA movie) from the finished redo. Swept Away also commits an unforgivable offense: a beautiful, gigantic diamond ring sinking to the bottom of the ocean. That’s one of my movie pet peeves. One of the worst, most horrible, shameful things to ever occur in a movie is to see a piece of jewelry tossed into the sea.

WHY? Why would you DO THAT?

Harming innocent jewels like that, it’s just inhumane! That is why the worst thing about Titanic (and there are many things) is that the old lady tosses the Heart of the Ocean into the ocean.

WHY? Why would she DO THAT?

I felt connected to that necklace. I think we were meant to be together in material splendor all my days. My precious. Instead, it’s hanging on some crag of rock near the ocean bed, taunting me with its glittering chain and deep blue loveliness.

Imagine my surprise when I was able to acquire my OWN Heart of the Ocean. I was working at the bookstore and Titanic was just being released on video/DVD. Accompanying every purchase of the movie was a Heart of the Ocean necklace. I snagged one of those beauties right away. I found that wearing the Heart of the Ocean made my days so much better.

In fact, the Heart of the Ocean became my defense shield during three retail Christmases. Spending the holidays in retail is, uhm, there are no words, but I will try. You know how you hate to do Christmas shopping at the last minute? Imagine having that experience 8 to 12 hours a day, 65 days in a row. It’s a picnic! No matter how crazy things got, no matter how rude customers became, I was always cheerful. I knew that as long as I was wearing the Heart of the Ocean, things would be better. “That’s ok!” I would unflaggingly tell myself after a particularly hairy interaction, “They don’t know about the Heart of the Ocean.”

So last week I decided that I needed a pick me up. What better than digging the Heart of the Ocean out of it’s place of reverence (bottom of the jewelry box) and donning it once again?

Now, no matter how many times El Guille dumps out the salt pot and runs his trains through the grains, no matter how many times Proximo eliminates so fiercely it runs in rivulets out of the containment device, I know that I’m wearing the Heart of the Ocean...

nothing can touch me.

16 comments:

April said...

We got my sister a copy of "Titanic" with the Heart of the Ocean necklace, too!! haha

And I know plenty about working in retail during holidays. *shudder*

sarah k. said...

Rivulets? That's all he can muster? Kiki's are positively volcanic. Once, when she started the grunting and her face turned red, Calvin dove over the side of the bed onto the floor, shouting, "She's gonna BLOW!" Actually, I think he might have said, "She's gonna cannon."

My heart of the ocean is my amethyst Miss Piggy ring and matching table cut earrings. They make me feel pretty AND powerful.

MoJo's Weekly Update said...

How do you get a billion comments on every post? You win. That is your heart of the ocean, you win.
mo

TĂȘtue said...

If you watch Muriel's Wedding, there's a part where she's wearing this exact necklace--THREE YEARS before Titanic even came out. It boggles my mind.

more caffeine, please said...

If I could have a heart of the ocean to help me cope it would be a stiff drink. Alas, it cannot be so so I will stick to thinking of you wearing yours and that will make me laugh.

P.S. I worked at *ta-da* Victoria's Freaking Secret while in college and let me tell you, I sympathize with the retail+holiday nightmare. Throw in pukey smelling lotions and perverted men buying lingerie and in comes the need for a stiff drink and a large diamond necklace.

kiki said...

I miss Melinda Doolittle.

fijiangirl said...

I was a bridesmaid in a wedding and we had to wear necklaces that were like the "heart of the ocean" only they were black and very cheap looking. I named them the "liver of the ocean." It still makes me laugh, every single brides maid hated those necklaces!

Rachel C. said...

Liver of the ocean, oh my!


I could use my own Heart of the Ocean right about now....

Emmie said...

I wish I'd had a Heart of the Ocean when I worked at Ann Taylor Loft during the Christmas season a few years ago. I still can't walk through that part of the mall without feeling a little sick to my stomach.

Geo said...

Ha! You are killing me. Don't stop!

My Heart of the Ocean is a French 19th century silver bat necklace with wings that can actually flap. Too bad I didn't have it when I managed a mall perfume store way back when. I know all about retail holiday hell.

kristenlibrarian said...

Titanic stunk.

I need to find a better Heart of the Ocean item for myself. Right now it's my special deodorant, but that's not as cool as a fake diamond.

Emily said...

You totally just reminded to get my Christmas shopping done this month. Thank you.

Engineer: martha corinna; Conductor: j. bradley; Restless Riders: norah corinna, lucia louise, j. abram; On the Caboose: tequila the foxdog said...

Your stories give me something to look forward to after I get the babies in bed. Your necklace is much more innocent then my sugar, salt and shopping coping mechanisms.

Tristi Pinkston said...

Know where we can get one of those necklaces now? Without having to buy the movie?

Lucky Red Hen said...

Throwing away jewels on purpose is blasphemy. Amen.

AzĂșcar said...

Tristi, I don't know. These were promo jewels that came from the distribution company.