Sunday, July 08, 2007

Oh The Flossy, Flossy

I decided, because I am total masochist, to take El Guille and Proximo to the new IKEA on Saturday. I wanted to buy a bunch of things I don’t need but want, and the kids needed to get out. I also wanted to make sure I went at the most busy time of the week alone with the kids.

I am under the delusion that I am completely capable of handling them both while out by myself. I’m capable because one is totally immobile and doesn’t talk back yet—that leaves me plenty of mind-share to devote to the lippy one. It took us a couple of hours to get out the door with some mini-disasters, like a husband who didn’t hear me screaming for his help while I’m nursing the baby and Guille is loosing his bowels in his awesome plaid pants.

El Guille and Proximo fell asleep on the way up to the store. That’s probably a good thing since on my way out the door I grabbed from the mailbox a new mix CD that Kiki sent me entitled, “Parental Advisory Explicit Content, i.e. There is Swearing.” I popped it in and grooved to her sweet potty mouth tunes (“G..L..A..M..O..R...O.U.S.”) Kiki makes awesome mixes and this one is particularly delicious and naughty. I don’t mind telling you that I will miss the swears in songs when the kids get old enough to hear them. “If you ain’t go no money take yo' broke a** home!”

So, properly recharged after a Timbaland and Ludicris-filled car ride we arrived at IKEA. I totally scored with a parking space two spots from the front of the store. I grabbed a shopping cart and put the baby, still sleeping, inside it. El Guille was compliant because he just woke up. He took my direction to hold onto the side of the cart. So far so good, right? No screaming, just two seemingly well behaved kids.

That’s when it happened.

A man and woman walked past me and he said, “Wow! It looks like you’ve got your hands full!”



I have two kids.

The two small kids that are either asleep or walking benignly and obediently.

It’s not like I have six, and moms with six kids don’t like hearing that comment either.

I’m over thirty, so I don’t appear to be some super-young mom at her wits end. Perhaps the pigtails in my hair gave off an unintended whiff of desperation. Do you think I smelled funny? I did go swimming the night before so maybe he meant to say "Hey, Lady, you smell like chlorine and milk. Take a shower and change your breast pads."

I wasn’t cussing at anyone, despite what you might think given my predilection for naughty music, or doling out the smacks (sugar or the regular palm kind.) I mean, I guess my hands could have been literally full if I had been man-handling Guille with one arm of steel/doom and scooping the baby up with the other. However, no one had their hands full of anything.

Maybe he meant that my hands were full of shopping cart bar—because they totally were!

Seriously, dude?



Tracklist for Kiki's stress-relieving mix entitled

Parental Advisory Explicit Content, i.e. There is Swearing.

Clothes Off!! Gym Class Heroes
Starry Eyed Surprise Paul Oakenfold
Sweet Dreams (Are Made of This) Eurythmics
Glamorous Fergie
Remind Me Royksopp
Typical Mute Math
This Ain't a Scene, It's an Arms Race Fall Out Boy
Summer Love Justin Timberlake
Say It Right Nelly Furtado
Body and Soul Tori Amos
Total Eclipse of the Heart Bonnie Tyler
Wind it Up Gwen Stefani
Hips Don't Lie Shakira
Rehab (Remix feat. Jay-Z) Amy Winehouse
S.O.S. (Rescue Me) Rhianna
Show Me What You Got Jay-Z
Beautiful Liar Beyoncé and Shakira
Girlfriend (feat. Lil' Mama) Avril Lavigne
Grace Kelly Mika


b. said...

Great Mix!!
"lippy", I like that word.
You shoulda called me, I haven't been yet and totally would've helped you out! Then you wouldn't have been outnumbered and consequently overwhelmed!

Queen Scarlett said...

LOVE that mix... thanks for sharing it. Like b - "lippy" totally stuck in my head after reading your post. Glamorous has been stuck in my head since she performed on SYTYCD.

kiki said...

A song that would have been on that mix had I already been addicted to it is "The Way I Are" by Timbaland. I tell you, the man is magical. I could listen to a singing turd if it were produced by Timbaland. It's gross, but everyone here knows they'd listen too.

b. said...

ps. It does totally suck when they're old enough to say, "Mom!! Don't sing the swear words!"

Emily said...

Why oh why do people think the "you have your hands full" comment is polite passerby conversation!?!? It implies, or maybe I just infer, "you look frazzled and your kids are out of control." Today at Costco--perhaps at the very moment you were walking into Ikea--someone said it to me and I was in a surly mood, so I said, "We do okay," and I kept walking. She wanted to talk about it. "Oh, I know you do okay. You're doing great! What are their ages?" Too late, lady, you already insulted me.

Did Guille get to play in Smaland, at least?

sarah k. said...

Seriously dude, I can't believe you went without me. Actually, I'm using all my will power to not go, since I'm trying not to haul anything with us when we move. But I couldn't have taken the bright-eyed youths. If two is "hands full," then three is "hands overflowing." Plus, mine are just not as well behaved as yours.

c jane said...

That is a nice mix for reals. And word to your for your bravery at Ikea. Remember I saw you there and Chup and I pretended to be in a fight right after I tried to kidnap Guille without you noticing? Good times.

Now walk it out.

p.s. how is that grocery sack holder coming along?

Emily said...

Ha! I think you're witty and clever. And I think you leave some of the greatest comments in all of the blogosphere.

And to think that you can do all that with your hands so full...


~cari~ said...

Some people are just stupid. I'm impressed that your 3-year-old would hold onto the cart and not run all over. That, to me, shows you don't have your hands full.

Julie said...

Amen to Cari's comment! No one has a right to say that to you unless you are truly struggling to get the kiddos under control.

Lucky you that Guille is so calm after waking up. T-- is an absolute grouch. We need to get them together so they'll balance each other out.

Engineer: martha corinna; Conductor: j. bradley; Restless Riders: norah corinna, lucia louise, j. abram; On the Caboose: tequila the foxdog said...

I love the "take a shower and change your breast pads". I needed that laugh. I'm a leaker and am always a little self-conscious about my breast pads and breasts while breast feeding for that matter. I have to be able to laugh about it.
As for Ikea. I tried to hold out...but all the things I didn't need but wanted to shove into my drawers and cupboards kept calling. I was a rat in a maze.

Rynell said...

I still haven't made it to Ikea yet, mostly because I know I'll find too much I didn't know I needed.

My three would likely illicit comments such as the one that you (needlessly, inappropriately & rudely) received.

Shop on, sugar.

~j. said...

Preach on.

This is me said...

I HATE that comment. Really, two kids is usually not a hand-full (although, mine do have their days....). I just respond by staring the commenter in the eyes and saying, with a completely straight face, "Actually, it's not that bad." And walking away.

It's like the time someone told me I looked really good "for having two kids."


Azúcar said...

Janers--that was the best public "discussion" I've seen. Now I know Chup has the chops to be an actor (see? See what I did there?)

The plastic bag holder isn't up yet because my broke a** hasn't made it to the hardware store to buy the wall screws.

Em-Guille did NOT play in Smaland. He was offered and elected to stay with me. That's cool, he was good. He insisted on eating in the cafe and was even mostly...ok only partly good in the cafe. Which brings me to...

Sarah/b, I could have used your companies when I was nursing the baby and my kid was standing on the chair whacking the modern lights over the table we're sharing with a bored teenager and what I'm hoping was her little brother.
"I WANT SOME BROWNIE" "You have to eat your mac & cheese and a tomato first" "NO I WANT SOME BROWNIE." *Lamp WHACK*

Were my hand full then? No, because I didn't care. I'm nursing in the middle of a restaurant, it's obvious I don't care (or I'm European.)

Cari/Jules, Guille isn't always compliant upon waking. Most of the time he likes to do this crying rampaging Godzilla thing. I lucked out that day.

This Is Me, don't you love a backhanded compliment?!

QS, check your mail soon.

EmilyA- witty and clever, or snarky and tired? It's such a fine line.

J5T- Holla!

Azúcar said...

Kiki, you and I both know that Timbaland is who really brought the Sexy/Back. I'd follow Timbaland to any land. Oh, I crack me up. Sad.

Martha C: I decided to get over embarrassed nursing thing. I nurse my kids forever, so when this one came, he also came with a healthy side of I Don't Give A Crap Anymore I'm Going to Nurse Wherever Everyone Else Can Deal.

b. said...

speaking of breast pads.....did you find yours under the table at CPK the other day?

b. said...

I almost tripped over it when I got up to go to the BR.

Justine said...

I took all five kids there on Monday. The kids thought it was as cool as I did, and no snooty comments from anyone. We bought everyone $4.00 lamps there, and have now spent the last 4 days trying to find lightbulbs that fit their wierdness.

Just got a cell phone call from dad, who is driving around trying to find light bulbs that fit. He found them. They're $4.00 A BULB! Maybe they were imported from Sweden or something. Glad you survived.

liz said...

uh. you had to go and remind of me of the doomed breast pad part of my life that I am re-entering again in about a month. dammit. ;-)

Holly said...

one of the best things about ikea with two kids (or even a full cart) is the four independently rotating wheels. what idiot came up with that? don't get me wrong, i love ikea. and i admit, sometimes that feature works. but that's just like the icing on the cake when i'm already trying to keep my three-year-old from grabbing the glass vases.

also, can we just smack people that say lame things like the "hands full" comment? when i was pregnant last summer, maybe seven months along, i was leisurely strolling down the aisles of target. well some woman passed me and said, "oh, you look MISERABLE!" it totally caught me off guard because i wasn't full term and i don't get big when i'm pregnant--even at nine months. i can't remember what i said, something along the lines of being too hot because it was mid-summer. but seriously i hated her. and i guess it's obvious that i still do. it's at times like that i need to be prepared with "the perfect response for the idiotic comment from a complete stranger."

and one more thing to add to the longest comment: iTunes. they have clean versions of most songs. i have "glamorous" too and can listen to it in the car when the kids are awake. although after realizing that three-year-old was singing gwen stefani the other day("they like the way we dance, they like the way we work...") i should probably switch to a different genre.

Anonymous said...

OK, I'm old and I'm an anonymous lurker, but why waste time getting offended at something that was totally not meant to offend? Why get bent out of shape when someone puts the silverware in handles up rather than down or vice versa? (someone else's post) However, I am with you all the way on your more recent post about the court, language thing.

Azúcar said...

Well, the first and foremost reason is that it's something funny to write about.
The second, of course, is that the statement implies that I am a poor mother unable of caring for my children in an adequate fashion. Why wouldn't someone be bent out of shape by that?