I decided, because I am total masochist, to take El Guille and Proximo to the new IKEA on Saturday. I wanted to buy a bunch of things I don’t need but want, and the kids needed to get out. I also wanted to make sure I went at the most busy time of the week alone with the kids.
I am under the delusion that I am completely capable of handling them both while out by myself. I’m capable because one is totally immobile and doesn’t talk back yet—that leaves me plenty of mind-share to devote to the lippy one. It took us a couple of hours to get out the door with some mini-disasters, like a husband who didn’t hear me screaming for his help while I’m nursing the baby and Guille is loosing his bowels in his awesome plaid pants.
El Guille and Proximo fell asleep on the way up to the store. That’s probably a good thing since on my way out the door I grabbed from the mailbox a new mix CD that Kiki sent me entitled, “Parental Advisory Explicit Content, i.e. There is Swearing.” I popped it in and grooved to her sweet potty mouth tunes (“G..L..A..M..O..R...O.U.S.”) Kiki makes awesome mixes and this one is particularly delicious and naughty. I don’t mind telling you that I will miss the swears in songs when the kids get old enough to hear them. “If you ain’t go no money take yo' broke a** home!”
So, properly recharged after a Timbaland and Ludicris-filled car ride we arrived at IKEA. I totally scored with a parking space two spots from the front of the store. I grabbed a shopping cart and put the baby, still sleeping, inside it. El Guille was compliant because he just woke up. He took my direction to hold onto the side of the cart. So far so good, right? No screaming, just two seemingly well behaved kids.
That’s when it happened.
A man and woman walked past me and he said, “Wow! It looks like you’ve got your hands full!”
I have two kids.
The two small kids that are either asleep or walking benignly and obediently.
It’s not like I have six, and moms with six kids don’t like hearing that comment either.
I’m over thirty, so I don’t appear to be some super-young mom at her wits end. Perhaps the pigtails in my hair gave off an unintended whiff of desperation. Do you think I smelled funny? I did go swimming the night before so maybe he meant to say "Hey, Lady, you smell like chlorine and milk. Take a shower and change your breast pads."
I wasn’t cussing at anyone, despite what you might think given my predilection for naughty music, or doling out the smacks (sugar or the regular palm kind.) I mean, I guess my hands could have been literally full if I had been man-handling Guille with one arm of steel/doom and scooping the baby up with the other. However, no one had their hands full of anything.
Maybe he meant that my hands were full of shopping cart bar—because they totally were!
Tracklist for Kiki's stress-relieving mix entitled
Parental Advisory Explicit Content, i.e. There is Swearing.
|Clothes Off!!||Gym Class Heroes|
|Starry Eyed Surprise||Paul Oakenfold|
|Sweet Dreams (Are Made of This)||Eurythmics|
|This Ain't a Scene, It's an Arms Race||Fall Out Boy|
|Summer Love||Justin Timberlake|
|Say It Right||Nelly Furtado|
|Body and Soul||Tori Amos|
|Total Eclipse of the Heart||Bonnie Tyler|
|Wind it Up||Gwen Stefani|
|Hips Don't Lie||Shakira|
|Rehab (Remix feat. Jay-Z)||Amy Winehouse|
|S.O.S. (Rescue Me)||Rhianna|
|Show Me What You Got||Jay-Z|
|Beautiful Liar||Beyoncé and Shakira|
|Girlfriend (feat. Lil' Mama)||Avril Lavigne|