jetsetgreen

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

I am racking my brain. Something happened one month ago and I’m trying to put my finger on it. Was it a change in temperature? Did I start serving a side of rocket fuel along with dinner? Were we on some type of bus that exceeded 50 MPH and now we’re crazy? All I know is that I used to have a sweet, smart, bilingual boy who loved to play and imagine. I now have in my possession a hellion of epic proportions (who is still bilingual.)

Here he is by the numbers:

Bottles:

1 of mineral oil poured on wool rug

2 of Alcon Contact Lens Solution (expensive) on bathroom counter and sink

1 of shampoo, location of contents unknown, empty vessel left as only evidence

1 of honey on coffee table, computer cords, carpet

Boxes:

2 of salt, kitchen counter, floor, over trains, and phone

1 shipping to be returned with shoes, appropriated to become Guille Turtle's shell and destroyed

Other:

2 lbs of flour, carried by train (Gordon) details here

6 lbs of flour, carried by empty cereal bowl into living room, kitchen, hallway, and several bowls of in bathroom (sink, floor, tub)

1 countertop flooded with water, radio in the center

1 bag of chips for baking scattered strategically in kitchen, living, and bathroom. Most chips are mixed with flour. Mom not amused at half-hearted baking.

1 very large flower pot on back balcony, broken into bits (more to come on that)

1 hole in drywall that he made by slamming door knob into wall and then picking at to make larger

1 orange crayon, used on all doors, entertainment center, glass surfaces, and CARPET

2 necklaces (favorites) busted into parts


Thanking:

My lucky stars that my stash of Sharpies hasn’t been found

He doesn’t know about ball point pens or tubes of acrylic paint

The past 24 hours have been the worst.

Yesterday morning was the 6 lbs of flour that migrated like a fast paced glacier over the landscape of my home, taking chip rubble with it. In the afternoon I was feeding the baby when I heard a gong sound--like the sound that my awnings make when they hit the exterior railing. I knew it wasn’t the front railing, which meant it could only be my neighbors, or our rear railing. I put the baby down and went to my room. Why check Guille’s room? He’s asleep for his nap.

I drew the drape a little to look onto the balcony and there El Guille was, standing over the remains of a very large terracotta pot and a pile of dirt. He was picking up the pottery shards, the dirt, and hurling them into my neighbor’s backyard below us. Nekkid, covered head to toe with black dirt. I ran into his room and tried to talk him into coming inside (I can’t go out and get him because I’m in my skivvies.) I cajole and then threaten him to get his dirty cola back into my house. I want to throttle him. I don’t. Other Half comes home that minute and tells me he will take care of it. I drive back to work fuming.

This morning Other Half came to wake me up at 7 and said, “El Guille isn’t in his bed.” WHAT? OH immediately runs out the door as I am blearily trying to locate some jeans. I run out the door just to be faced with OH pushing El Guille in his jammies, bed head, and barefeet, into the condo. “I went to see if Joey could play.” At 6:45 AM.

Yeah, I’m that mom, the mom whose child is found barefoot and in a diaper by the side of the freeway.
“The officers interviewed the mother and found that she had been sleeping when the child slipped out of the unlocked apartment. The mother is being held for questioning. The child was put into rehab because he must be out of his mind.”

38 comments:

Mrs. Bryant said...

that is SO funny, when it shouldn't be. I wish I could relate some silly story and then say, "don't worry, he'll grow out of it." sorry. no words of comfort here for I am not yet a mother. on the other hand, from what I can tell, you are an awesome momma so all's well in your sugar house.

April said...

Oh, my gosh! I feel like crying FOR you. Sounds a little like he's trying to get your attention, by making the biggest mess he possibly can. Nanny 911?

RC Cola! said...

Eek!

~j. said...

Be assured: he'll find the sharpies soon. There is some weird, unnatural yet undeniable attractive force between children and sharpies.

Kate Benson said...

Four words: Mr. Cleans Magic Eraser!

Bek said...

Oh Carina,

I feel your pain. It does end, but it is painful while it lasts.. the problem is that he is smart (and a boy). They just know how to get into trouble.

The escaping from the house is the reason we had the child handles on the door and the crib tent (two of which he CHEWED through, I might remind you). It is all about confinement at this point (so you know he is safe/less destructive...not as a punishment).

We have no sharpies in our house. None. It is still too early...

MoJo's Weekly Update said...

Don't you hate it when people tell you that this is character building for you. Hey this is building your character. You're a good mom for writing this down and looking at the situation and calling it crazy. I applaud you.
mo

compulsive writer said...

The beauty of it is that you never realize just how close you are to that mom until your kid has already snuck out of the house a time or two (only mine were always nekkid too).

I actually installed deadbolts at about 5' at one point--I think it was for boy #2. That worked for about six weeks.

Best wishes--they do grow out of it eventually. Sort of.

kiki said...

Well, he and I *did* have that collision in your kitchen nearly one month ago. August 4th, I think it was...

La Yen said...

Hah-Ha.

Have you tried Yo Gabba Gabba? Jooj stops breathing when it is on. No breath=no destruction.

Mrs. Dub said...

i blame joey.

Kalli Ko said...

My mom keeps telling me that my own childhood antics will come back to haunt me some day. I'm worried.

Can you write a book about survival skills so I can be prepared?

fijiangirl said...

What did you do with his umbilical cord? My daughter is just like El Guile! The reason, according to the other half, is that we lost her umbilical cord when she was born and we didn’t burry it somewhere that we remembered. So she gets into everything and spills any thing and everything she can because she is looking for that dang cord! When I first heard of this legend I didn’t believe it, but when I saw that all the predictions of what will happen when you loose the cord came true I am a firm believer!

Good luck… it sounds like he is still alive so that is good.

Holly said...

Okay, I wil not feel sorry for myself at all when I think I've had a "bad day." Instead I'll think of you! You win an award in my book, I've got to meet you one day.

Also, now I'm craving chocolate chip cookies. Actually I'm always craving them, it's just that I was reminded.

Emily said...

This is SO my life. Nail polish remover spilled over the down comforter (nearly asphyxiated us all in our sleep.) Pickle juice all over the kitchen floor (bread and butter chips = extra sweet = extra sticky.) Burgundy nail polish spilled all over the inside of the bathroom drawer (how did he get it open??) And he loves to go to the bathroom outside. #1 and #2. It's so embarrassing when an in-law finds my child's poop in the middle of grandma's driveway at the family dinner.

b. said...

Ohhhh.....it was my girl that did all those sorts of things. She hasn't outgrown it yet. She's 11. Machine was a little naughty too.
Keep your camera close by.

b. said...

I just remembered how loved I was when oldest(at 3yrs old) would wake up the neighborhood (out the deadbolted door and all) to find someone to play.

citymama1 said...

It's amazing how quickly those little rascals can turn on you. My offspring went through a flushing phase once that was truly horrendous and costly. Best of luck to you.

kristenlibrarian said...

Ay de mi!

if it makes you feel any better my word verification is "wawdabra" - it makes me laugh.

Queen Scarlett said...

*stunned*

Aiya!

...so sorry - good luck... how do you...??? WOW.

Geo said...

Oh. Wow.

And now I wonders, wonders I, what've I gotten myself into?

Too late now.

Julie said...

Oh, Geo, it's all worth it. Really.

As one who (at the same age Guille is now) dumped several 25-lb bags (yes, I said bagS) on the floor of our basement kitchen to make a sandbox, let me personally apologize on Guille's behalf for your pain. And let it be known that such behaviors are to be brought up every time it is deemed most embarrassing to the child who caused the mess. (I will never live down the fact that flour got into the heat vents, resulting in a fine dusting of flour over every surface each time the furnace turned on for YEARS afterwards.)

You deserve an award, my friend.

Livs said...

I had a four-year-old brother who was put in his room for time out, so he just knotted a bunch of clothes and blankets together and tried to escape out the window.... He also forgot to tie one end of the "rope" to something else, so he just tumbled out the second story window... Luckily there was an awning/rooftop not too far below... He was the same kid who always had (self-inflicted) bruises and scrapes on his face in every school picture until fourth grade.
I give you permission to call your son names that involve compound swears in your head and to your close friends.

La Yen said...

I learned from a friend that the only thing that gets vasoline out of everything is Dawn dish soap. File that away.

compulsive writer said...

But La Yen, what will get the Dawn out?

more caffeine, please said...

Oh my gosh. I'm laughing but sooo feeling your pain.

We had to install those latch lock thingies at the top of our doors that you have to a: be tall enough to reach (even with a chair and my living room pillows) and b: be smart/coordinated enough to lift them up and over just so. There is one on all doors ever since CJ learned how to pee outside while camping and brought that trait home...

Azúcar said...

Julie- do you think your dad could have put extra flour into the vents just to trick you? I wouldn't put it past him

MCP - I know that you, you of all people completely feel my pain.

Fiji- I have no idea where that thing went. I just know that if I'd of taken it home with me I would have been served divorced papers by OH. AFterall, we have no place to bury it, so it would probably just sit in the freezer for a couple months until we forgot what it was and tossed it.

Azúcar said...

Kiki---that HAS to be it!

Livs, that escapee story is amazing. Thanks for the compound swears permission. I say them in my head lots. Now I will feel better knowing that I have been granted a dispensation.

Mrs. Dub- This is the same Joey that just walks into my house, "What are you doing?"
"Feeding the baby"
"It's coming out of your chest?"
"Go ask your mom."

"wawdabra" makes me laugh too.

I am out of Magic Erasers (the horror!)


Thanks for feeling my pain, all of you. I hope you each have a rootbeer float for me.

sara said...

holy moly guacamole. wait, i don't want to give him any more ammo.

but rootbeer floats are one of my fave treats ever. that's how i gained the last (extra) 10 lbs during my first pregnancy...

Sarah said...

Yeah. Not a favorite. Thank goodness for the second boy...

All our hopes are pinned on you, little one!

Justine said...

Keep the shop vac at the ready in the kitchen.

Threaten to suck him into it.

Comes in handy.

Rynell said...

I second:
shop vacs, Magic Erasers & compound swears...

sarah k. said...

sounds like he's ready for his first violin. My mom always tells the story of a 5 year old who was an accomplished arsonist, and his shrink told the parents to get him a violin. He stopped setting fires. no lie.

nohno said...

I had a friend who made the observation that whenever my kids went wild is was always reactionary to my or my husband being a little emotionally off kilter. It makes them feel unstable and so they start destroying trying to feel more in control of their lives. I hated when I had to admit that it was the common thread. My mother no longer even asks how I am---she says she can tell how I really am by what the kids are doing. Does everything always have to be my fault? Actually, I get a break, right now it's my husbands fault----it's still madness to clean up but strange how much easier it is to deal with when I'm not the one emotionally out of balance!

Anonymous said...

You could try a beating.

andi,andi,andi said...

Welcome to the JUNGLE!

Just you wait until the stitches start. It's a real party.

Lyle said...

That's got to be a world record for home wrecking.

Julie said...

No, I can't blame my dad. He was probably too busy plowing the garden or something to get involved with cleaning up the mess. It was all me (and my little brother). Who knew I ever had it in me to be so naughty?