jetsetgreen

Thursday, September 20, 2007

Wherein we cover two historical time periods

Yesterday I walked into the living room to find El Guille reclining on the sofa as if he were a Roman emperor. Scattered about the area was the detritus of his lavish lifestyle: half eaten piece of toast, a slice of apple, the remnants of cereal ground into the carpet.

I studied the fine arts while in school and through my color training I was able to identify the highest contrast items in the room, a bottle of ketchup on the beige rug with accompanying punctuations of scarlet. I appreciated his nod to the color of senatorial robes, but I was not impressed. I was even less impressed when he opened his mouth and said,

"That's OK Mama, YOU can clean it up."

Thanks for the suggestion, may I invite you to write it on the card provided and leave it for the management?

He did a good job cleaning. I might have to hire him out to pay for new floor coverings. Anyone out there who wouldn't mind turning a blind eye to child labor laws?



This morning I awoke to the sound of the freezer door slamming shut. As I charged towards the living room I wondered if I would have to start setting my alarm for 5 am and moving my center of operations to the couch. I heard little feet running in the face of my advance and the SWOOSH of the egg-chair covering as the Filthy Padawan hid from his master.


Yes, that's a carton of Mayan Chocolate and Fergus the Eff-ing train.

I figured I'd wipe up the chocolate ice cream and he could pick up the corn. He didn't think that was a good idea. We fought about it for the next three hours. I cried in the middle and sent an upset email to Other Half. The email said something about me being tired, sick, miserable and not liking the Filthy Padawan much at all. It was a lot like Gettysburg.

However, you don't change horses in mid stream. I kept inventing consequences as a result of disobedience: toys, privileges, time outs, nothing worked. I sent him to his room and he said, "I want to stay in here." Fine, I thought. He removed the child-proof handle once and got out, I thought it was a fluke. After the second removal, I found my BFF duct tape to fix that handle.

The Filthy Padawan conceded the battle a mere three hours into the siege.

The union is preserved, for now.

30 comments:

compulsive writer said...

I'm sorry, but the Mayan chocolate makes it personal, you know?

Just how much duct tape do you have left?

compulsive writer said...

If that doesn't look sufficient, I'll bring over some of mine and we could try something like this.

sue-donym said...

Im beginning to wonder whether to laugh or cry.

Lindsey said...

Yeah, me too--cry or laugh?

I feel sort of bad for being entertained by this.

Lyle said...

I love all the Civil War mixed with Star Wars references in this post. I'm sorry that your little padawan is being such a train wreck at this stage of life.

Have you considered making him a bubble boy?

lisa v. clark said...

You have to admit that he knows what he wants, which will help him later in life. However, the Mayan Chocolate is taking it too, too far. That's the good stuff. (I remember calling Rebecca and asking her if it was child abuse if I duct taped one of my kids to his bed--I didn't end up doing it, but I really, really thought about it. A lot.)

Does it help if I suggest that one day he will be your greatest helper in the future ala Owen of the Valentine-Clarks and Jacob of Rebecca fame? (Luke vs. Anakin?), or should I just keep that to myself?

Kalli Ko said...

duct tape solves all the worlds problems.

Someone should tell that to Gen. Patraeus and we would be free and clear.

Bek said...

If I hadn't seen the Owen transformation (and the Cubby "he's half way there" tranformation) I would never believe it.

I also feel like crying when I read these (partly the pregnancy hormones, and partly because it is still just a LITTLE too close, you know?). There is a reason that Cubby sleeps in a room with a bed and a dresser and that is all (and the dresser is about to go). He shreds every book left in there, he picks apart his mattress, he gets stuff out of the closet and pee's on it, etc, etc, etc. I know you might not have the luxury of emptying out the room, but that is what has made my life easier (and his "time outs" MUCH more effective).

The other effective "time out" that worked for us was to put his car seat in the bathroom and he was buckled into it until he could settle down. He was safe, I could close the dorr, there wasn't too much he could get into (locked in and all)...... its a thought. We also took many, many "sad baths".

R

aubrey said...

DUCT TAPE?! why did i never think of this before. i've given up on that stupid thing cuz during ava's tantrums she has superhuman strength and kicks it off the doorknob within milliseconds. it's kind of frightening. duct tape...
as for your little filthy padawan..i feel your pain.

Marie said...

Whoa. Baby cravings. Squelched.

Hats off to you for seeing the funny side of this. I would have seen the 20-years-to-life side.

RC Cola! said...

This hurts my feelings.

Emily said...

I know you're not panhandling for pity, but from one mischievous toddler's mother to another, I'm so sorry!

Makes for some pretty sensational blog posts, though...right?

Clyde said...

I'm a faithful follower of El Guille's mess-around adventures... I don't feel sorry for you. He's the reason of my pity. Just think about this: a few years from now, you'll be laughing A LOT and he'll be fighting the most mischievious son/daugther ever... Everything comes around in life. :)

Meanwhile I love your writings/perspectives/attitude towards this sweet little stinker. You're such a good sport!

Mrs. Bryant said...

I really, really, really want to meet your son.

(Not so I can beat him or anything, he just intrigues me)

fijiangirl said...

He is still looking for the cord I see!

sarah k. said...

Deep breaths, in and out. In and out. Teaching moments. Go get that book.

I pity you said...

I swear you put stuff in his reach and leave the room just so you'll have something to blog. You are sick.

Christy said...

What the eff? Is this pity person serious?

ALYSHA said...

awesome boy!
at least he knows how to get you!

Queen Scarlett said...

"i pity you" is so brave to leave an anonymous comment that is completely asinine.

I'm with the gals... Mayan Chocolate... that is crossing the line. Thanks for sharing the humor in the midst of creative destruction.

Geo said...

You see? I'm not the only one who immediately thought of duct tape's other uses. It can be a very humane sort of solution. Love that duct tape.

Love YOU.

I am wearing two beautiful, hopeful little birds in my hair today (which actually is less nest-like than it was when you saw me yesterday). Creature comforts, indeed. Thank you for the love!

Azúcar said...

Yes, I Pity You, I have him perform these tricks so that I might blog. I am the puppet master.

Also, I couldn't possibly think about anything else to blog about as ma tête est complètement vide de toutes les pensées puisque je suis une femme, n'est pas?

Lindsey said...

I Pity You--

Obviously you don't have children. Oh, also, you suck.

Sue said...

I just found your blog. Oh, man. I love you. The end.

aubrey said...

ooh, what does that mean in ENGLISH? i want to know what mean thing you said to 'i pity you.'

citymama1 said...

That kid is creative.

Ryan and Susie said...

that little man is trouble :) He and Ethan could be a lethal combination.

Anonymous said...

Have you considered a visit from Super Nanny? Sound like this could be a tough one for even her

Julie said...

HOORAY for you for toughing out the three-hour siege!!!!! That is the hardest thing EVER. My favorite line in this whole post: "The Filthy Padawan conceded the battle a mere three hours into the siege. The union is preserved, for now." Having been there (still am there--and with the same child who is now 11), I know how emotionally exhausting it is to hold your ground. If I could, I would buy you an entire case of Mayan Chocolate and give you a big hug. You deserve it.

One thing that worked great for us with our own Little Napoleon: reverse the handle on the bedroom door so you can lock it from the outside. No need for those child-proof handle things, but you have to be careful that you don't end up locked in there yourself without a way out.

Tori :) said...

I could have thought of several things to use the duct tape for...