Monday, October 15, 2007

Nobel Prizes

"Albert Fert of France and Peter Grünberg of Germany were awarded the 2007 Nobel Prize in Physics on Tuesday for a discovery that has shrunk the size of hard disks found in computers, iPods and other digital devices… “The MP3 and iPod industry would not have existed without this discovery," Borje Johansson, a member of the Royal Swedish Academy of Sciences, said...

Speaking to reporters in Germany, Grünberg was elated but said he was not surprised.

"Because I have received a lot of awards, I was often asked: 'When will the big award come?' " he told reporters. Grünberg said with a wink that he made sure to be at his office Tuesday morning "because one knows that Stockholm usually calls at around 11:30 a.m.""Source.

I have been waiting by the phone all day today, waiting for my Nobel Prize.

I'm not exactly sure into which category I'd to fall. I had figured it probably would have been for physics. I understand at least 30% more about physics than you do--I'm 70% sure I can name the First Law of Thermodynamics. However, since they gave out the physics prize already, I'm due for something else. Here are the Nobel categories that I'm pretty sure I qualify for:

1. Nobel Prize in Baking

2. Nobel Prize in DVR Scheduling

3. Nobel Prize in the Most Overall Lifetime Entries into the Provo City School District's Reflections Contest

4. Nobel Prize in Housekeeping

4. Nobel Prize in Impressions and Accents

5. Nobel Prize in Being Awesome

Sure, the categories are unconventional, and I don’t pretend to be the end all be all, but I think I am more than qualified than some other people you could think of (your mom.) I might have to share number 5 with some of you, and I’d be OK with that (mostly.) After all, Al Gore has to share his Peace Prize with dozens upon dozens of other United Nations flunkies (laugh, but you don’t have a Peace Prize.)

6. Nobel Prize in an Entire Paragraph of Sentences Concluding with Parentheses

The Nobel committee awards the prizes every year, so I’d have like 364 days, tops, to live like a head honcho/top dog/rock star. I’d have to live it up, it would be a responsibility. I mean, who remembers Nobel Prize winners from year to year? Nobody. Gabriel Garcia Marquez won for literature in 1982 and no one has read him since. (I’m pretty sure that getting a Noble Prize is like winning the Best New Artist award at the Grammy’s; it’s the kiss of death! In Milli-Vanilli’s case, quite literally half of them are dead. If that’s true, please consider me out of the running for a Best New Artist Grammy.) I can't imagine how I'd live it up. Extra whipped cream on my cocoa? A new pair of shoes? I know we get a million dollars for winning a Nobel Prize, but I think I should take my new status of a role model seriously: no more than 5-300 new pairs of shoes.

I’d want to do some charity work, that’s for sure. Maybe I could sponsor a needy person, like getting Rachael Ray to retire, or putting Vanna White out of her misery (seriously guys, they make her touch the corner of a screen, she doesn’t have to flip letters at all; I can see the outline of her Valium bottle on her dress.) Some people like to help conventionally, like with third world micro-credit loans, but I'd like to put those in show business who have outlived their usefulness out to pasture (Vanna, meet Tim Meadows, Tim, Vanna.) As for the rest of the million, I’d save it for a rainy day, or for when I was really bored.

7. Nobel Prize in Honestly Thinking I’m Saving Enough When I'm Totally Not

What perplexes me is how you can do something, like Being Awesome, and not get a Nobel Prize for Being Awesome for years after you actually Were Awesome. I learned this from watching A Beautiful Mind. Russell Crowe got a Nobel Prize in Acting/Economics/Being Australian and it didn’t happen until his character had been haunting the library at Princeton for a ridiculously long time. I don’t pretend to understand the inner workings of the Swedish mind (lingonberries?) but I do know that in order to be fair, we should encourage the Nobel committee to keep a shorter window on things. I think the statute of limitations should be at five years, six years on the outside. It’s just not cool of them to keep me hanging on when some dude in Shanghai has been a shoe-in for his DVR Scheduling since 2001.

I think I’m smarter than the Physics guy who won this year (duh.) I’m not going to be waiting by my phone this Tuesday for the Nobel committee to call. Instead, I’m having all calls forwarded to my cell phone because I’ve got other things to do.

8. Nobel Prize in Vonage


Sue said...

I didn't think anything could make me laugh out loud at 3:36 AM, but I was oh, so very wrong. You definitely win the Nobel for being Awesome. Because that? Was AWESOME. ;>

(If there is a Nobel Prize for Avoiding Technical Writing Work Late at Night by Commenting on Blogs I TOTALLY kicked your butt. )

La Yen said...

That German guy sounds like kind of a dick.

Azúcar said...

A German guy being kind of a dick? Clearly you have no understand of Germans.

What would your Nobel be in?

mad as hell said...

Your number 4 (the first one) is my favorite. You might have to share that one with me. Today I would get the Nobel Prize for being stupid enough to stay with a company that just yanked five days of my PTO for next year.

April said...

I could probably win the Nobel Prize for Avoiding the Gym While Still Paying Membership Dues. Or for Holding the Greatest Number of Jobs While Accomplishing the Least Amount of Work.

Anonymous said...

a nobel prize in thinking anybody cares about your arrogant self-centered not-funny blog.

RC Cola! said...

I should be awarded a Nobel Prize in Most Willing to Delete Her Blog Before It's Six Month Mark.

That and a

Nobel Prize in Being the Netflix Queen - although next year I'll be a fierce contender in the DVR Prize. Just you wait.

Azúcar said...

Eric? Is that you? Inside joke, sorry. I have site tracking, so I know who you really are.

Who said I was trying to be funny? As for the rest of it, isn't that pretty much the definition of blogging?

Kenneth said...

Haters to the left.

compulsive writer said...

I'm with Kenneth. And yeah, that is the definition of blogging.

A Nobel Prize is a pretty much out of my league, unless there is one for being in over my head.

Sue said...

Oh, anonymous... The fact that you are so very sad that you are taking the time to both read AND leave comment on a blog that you profess not to care about - just makes you look a little silly.

liz b. said...

Too bad that guy is an a-hole. I think he's just mad because he wanted to win the Nobel Prize for the Reflections contest. At least I think you're hilarious! Love ya!

Kalli Ko said...

I personally revel in my own self-centered arrogant blog.

anonymous wins the nobel prize for biggest douchebag.

sue-donym said...

Anonymous. Two words.

Fleet Enema.

cafe rio whore said...

anonymous sure checks in a lot to tell you how much he doesn't think your blog is worth looking at, doesn't he?

Kenneth said...

It's about to get raw in here like sushi!

He's so Redickulous.

Kenneth said...

Can I get a Nobel Prize in Boggle?

Emily said...

Today: Nobel Prize for reading/sun soaking in the backyard while overdue bills (and multiple loads of laundry) continue to pile high.

Most of the time: Nobel Prize for personal financial management (while multiple loads of laundry pile high).

Maybe I missed The Phone Call this morning because I was so absorbed in Jonathan Safran Foer. I'll check my messages.

Bek said...

Nobel prize in fabulousness. Or coconut cake.

Christy said...

Is there a Nobel for funniest blogger? And where do we go to vote?

I applaud Kalli Ko's use of the word douchebag, which I think is seriously neglected in woman-speak and was very well-used here. Kudos.

Jennifer B. said...

I second the nomination for Awesome-ness.

Suzie Petunia said...

I've decided we should be friends. We comment on all the same blogs. But you are funnier than me. Can this relationship really work?? You don't have to add me to your blog roll or anything. Just understand that I WILL be stalking you.

I think this week I would earn the Nobel Prize for Bad Attitude. And SHEESH! that German guy sounds obnoxious!

Geo said...

Nobel Prize in Choosing Friends
Nobel Prize in Filling Up Digital Camera Flashcards
Nobel Prize in Insomnia (really, it's a useful skill)
Nobel Prize in Thrift Shopping
Nobel Prize in Typos (really, it's a useful skill)

And I'm still waiting for:
Nobel Prize in Memorizing Napoleon Dynamite

Tiffany said...

lingonberries are good with mashed potatoes and beef (or turkey). But don't buy the gallon of them from IKEA unless you live with a houseful of swedes. Or unless you think you will eat them and then you can't so you give what is left to your Swedish in-laws to finish up in half a fortnight.

Azucar - Site tracking for anonymous? Way to go.

9. Nobel Prize for being a super sleuth.

Azúcar said...

Suzie - Let’s be fast friends. Just be careful, I might get you drunk on currant wine instead of raspberry cordial and then your mother will forbid you from seeing me; it will be incredibly tragic.

sarah k. said...

Nobel Prize for fastest friendness. I've witnessed this personally.

I totally just snorted a hazelnut when I read this post.

Olivia said...

Anonymous will never earn the Cher Horowitz/Dionne (Cher's-best-friend) prize in "knowing what it's like to have people be jealous of us," because he sucks and is also probably very lonely and unattractive and addicted to internet cat porn. But you could win a Nobel prize for being hi-stinking-larious and awesome. I should at least be nominated for a Nobel prize in the ability to find and discern fine baked goods, a skill which, if recognized widely, could bring about world peace.
p.s. My stepdad, the inventor, was nominated for a Nobel Prize years ago, and is supposed to be nominated again in the next year or two for his latest invention. True story. I would explain what the nominations were/are for, but this response is already longer than your post, which means I probably am the kind of person Anonymous accused you of being.

SusieQ said...

My Nobel prize would have to be the most amount of time wasted staring at my closet full of useless-outdated-clothes-that-no-longer-fit hoping for some trendy-clothes-that-make-me-look-hot to magically appear.

Azúcar said...

SusieQ- We might be in the running for the same prize.

Deborah said...

You should know that I already own your #3. I've got the Polaroids and file boxes of construction-paper-bordered art, poetry, and original composition to prove it. Sorry 'bout that.