Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Part Two of I like Halloween, Really. Well, mostly. OK, only parts.

In the 7th grade, when I thought I was an actress, the drama kids put on a haunted house for the school. Really, it was a haunted stage. We loved the chance to dress up and practice our stage makeup. We’d just discovered spirit gum and the fun things you can do with makeup and putty: open wounds and gashes, a third eye, etc. I got to be a witch, complete with Lee Press-on Nails that I’d painted dark red. Do you remember Lee Press-on Nails? They were huge and very long, and never actually stayed pressed-on. I and my fellow witches did our revolting makeup, one or two may have even used a fake nose. I didn’t use a fake nose because even then I didn’t want to look like Nicole Kidman in The Hours (I am prescient.)

Our haunted house was the generic kind. I’m sure it was completely terrifying since it was located two steps from the cafetorium. Half the school had gone through when the administrators took their turn. No one told us that part of the contract between a haunted house participant and the haunted house provider is that the human providers do not ever touch the participant. That’s why when the vice principal went through I clawed his face.

Don’t worry, they were Lee Press-on Nails, half of them came off on contact.

I still remember the look of horror on his face. I’ve lived most of my life thinking it was simply abject horror, but now I think it might just be, “What does that girl think she’s DOING?” Well, if losing half your manicure is what it takes to get the scare across, I’ll do it (I’m so method.)

I began to not feel very well. I was stuck (downstage right) in the haunted house and each successive wave of teenagers was exhausting. Then I felt it. Bubble-bubble toil and trouble! My stomach began heaving. I ran for the exit, hoping beyond hope that I’d reach the small bathroom off stage. My knees buckled in front of the toilet and I began to empty the contents of my stomach, wiping off the makeup from my face as I tried to clean my cheeks. I can still smell the makeup mingling with the heaves.

Are you grossed out?

Me too.

That’s why Halloween is dicey to me: so many people wear that makeup; I can smell it and instantly want to refund my meal. I went to my parent’s neighborhood Halloween party last week. They served chili, good homemade chili. The very thought of eating it while I could smell the makeup was revolting. Everything smelled disgusting; although I’m sure it was absolutely delicious. The very next day El Guille was refunding onto my carpet. SEE?

Halloween has a unique smell. It smells of plastic (like Hot Topic) and bad stage makeup. Someone get me a baggie.


You Know Me said...

Try having to be a pregnant pirate -- corset, platform furry boots, and all. Also, inhaling spray adhesive for the past two days while trying to build a "ship" because if you don't do anything at said company, it is rumored to be career limiting :) (I'm not sure the career limiting thing is actually official, but i don't believe i saw a soul NOT dressed up last year) *sigh* pregnant pirate .. here i come!

Mrs. Dub said...

ooh, and don't forget the smell of plastic costumes and prosthetic teeth. it's a noxious combination.

i'm feeling you on this, 'zuca!

compulsive writer said...

Yeah, I'm not overly fond of the make-up smell. Or the greasy feel either. I understand why there's no love love between you and Halloween.

I still have issues over needing desperately to go to the bathroom whilst in my standard issue not-the-pilgrim costume from the Thanksgiving program that my mom was not able to attend because she'd just given birth. No one picked me up after school either so I had to walk a mile home in brown paper bags and well um, I didn't quite make it home.

(It was much easier to put distance between that unfortunate incident and real Thanksgiving, however, I just avoid wearing brown paper bags...)

AzĂșcar said...

I do like Halloween. I like lots of things about Halloween, but as with everything else, there are quirky things that I don't like at all.
A.) This year I have no motivation. Halloween is a holiday for the motivated.
B.) Some smells trigger the nasties: stage makeup and PVC are two of the worst (por moi.)

We had a great deal of fun with El Guille last night and carved pumpkins. He was so excited; it was a blast. No makeup involved.

Lindsey said...

Ah, but don't you love the smell of circus peanuts and candy corn? What? I'm the only one?

Rynell said...

See if you had not gotten sick and vomited, you would not hate it so much. Or maybe you would. I do.

(Although we too did the pumpkin carving last night and that was fun.)

Kalli Ko said...

Halloween truly is a holiday for the motivated. And I am on the downside of that scale.

And I'm glad I'm not the only one who gets sick at the thought of Hot Topic. Angry 15 year olds with a pension for pleather... I'm shivering.

Sue said...

Like: Pumpkin carving, kids being excited, trick or treating, church parties, fall carnivals, eating candy after kids go to bed

DisLike: buying costumes, making costumes, thinking about costumes, wearing costumes, post Halloween weight gain.

Ugh. Your puke description almost did me in. I hate it when you smell something that reminds you of a time you puked. Automatic watery burp.

Julie said...

Ewwww. I agree that Halloween is for the highly motivated. I'm not motivated this year either. Ugh.

c jane said...

Did you say cafetorium?

AzĂșcar said...

I did.

Farrer had a cafetorium instead of a cafeteria and an auditorium.

Wonderful acoustics in that hall, just marvelous. Carnegie quality.

sara said...

My sister's #1 item on her Christmas list for like 3 years in a row was Lee Press-on Nails. That's all we ever heard about from her. That and how she was insistent that my parents should name my in utero new brother "Celeste."

She grew out of it.

Emily said...

I used to LOVE press on nails. Only bad part was when I'd run my fingers through my hair, like seven of them would fall off. And they just weren't as cute as hair ornaments.

My elementary school had a cafetorium, too. I was the ring leader in the kindergarten circus in that cafetorium. (Firefox keeps telling me "cafetorium" is not a word. Silly Firefox.)

Lois, Our Lady of Blogs said...

My elementary had a cafetorium, too. My high school had a completely separate auditorium since it had to be used for synagogue on high holidays and couldn't be on school grounds (church and state, you know).

I get sick just wearing REGULAR make-up. I hate the feeling of it on my skin. I can't even imagine stage make-up. Yech!!!

Geo said...

For me, it's the smell of KFC. They poisoned me once, and now I can't take it. Maybe I should go as Colonel Sanders this year—my own worst nightmare.

Lois, Our Lady of Blogs said...

Oh, GEO! KFC makes me puke, too! Not just once, but every time I eat it (yes, I keep eating it even though it makes me sick). Is one of the seven herbs and spices ipecac?

Hollywood said...

Take THAT Vice Principal! So did you have it out for the guy and had just been scheming this out all year? Do people still wear those press ons? I seem to recall seeing them recently at a drugstore. I HATE the face makeup. We've never had outfits that needed it so far. It's always a disgusting, smeared mess by the end of the night. This year I just drew on a mustache Penny with a pen since I knew it wouldn't smear.

Puking is fun.

Inanna said...


SusieQ said...

I, too, have mixed feelings about Halloween. I love the excitement of the children, decorating, pumpkin carving, and I actually enjoy finding costumes for the little ones. (I'm all about store bought, though...don't have a creative bone in my skeleton) I DO NOT like dressing up in costume or going to school sponsored halloween/harvest/autumn whatever-the-latest-politically-correct-term-is-this-year festivals.

Jennifer B. said...

I'm still laughing over the vice-principal.