Wednesday, November 28, 2007

I Got a New Job!

I am now a referee.

"Illegal jump over baby brother; repeat couch to chair attempt. Loss of TV privilege."
"Roughing the baby; personal foul."
"Toy interference; defense recovers the ball."
"Blocking the baby; removal of blanket."
"False start; offense "beeping" loudly in ear of defense, causing cessation of nursing; loss of train."
"Illegal use of hands; remove from underwear. Gain of pants. "
"Offsides; player touched Christmas tree ornaments."
"Intentional grounding; baby recovers the car."
"Repeated flicker of Christmas lights on and off; ejection from game."

"Tree ornament interference; redirect baby."
"Attempting to eat toilet paper; loss of bathroom privileges."
"Intentional face grabbing; loss of lap privileges."

"Too many men on the field; mother retires to locker room."


sarah k. said...

Being the ref sucks. It's the worst paying job, with no benefits, and you don't even get to root for your favorite team. Or even have a favorite team. Plus, everyone is always challenging your call.

Tiffany said...

you're cute.

Amy said...

Clever. Next time they question your call, tell them they get what they pay for.

Azúcar said...

Sarah! It's so true! That's the worst part about it, you cannot root for a specific team! This is work, it's not a game. I do feel like I'm an official.

Tiff- YOU are.

Amy - If only they understood the concept of money...then maybe I could bribe them!

This morning:
"Encroachment; using fire engine spin-brush on baby's head."

Marilyn said...

This post is a perfect example of why your blog is one of my favorites. Absolute cleverness!

fijiangirl said...

You are so witty! Your black and white striped shirt and black pants are on their way. You will be the best dressed referee with your patten leather 3 inch peep toe heels!

Queen Scarlett said...

You are Ms Smarty Comedienne... I don't even get sports ...but this I get. ;-)

Lois, Our Lady of Blogs said...

I had to read this out loud to Nigel. We were both cracking up. Too funny. Now that the writer's strike is (maybe) over, you should get a job writing for TV/movies. Too hilarious.

acte gratuit said...

Dear Azucar,
This comment is not related to your post. I'd just like to direct you to the following link:

You'll have to copy and paste because for some reason I can't make it into a link.

After you see it, I fully expect you to praise and (dare I say) LAUD my name. Oh, and list me as "cool blog of the week".

So what if you're a total stranger and I think of you (whose first name I don't even know) the moment I see this particular item? That DOESN'T mean I don't have a life!


Kalli Ko said...

I want to know what happens when they enter the red zone?

more caffeine, please said...

Nuts and bolts, nuts and bolts, WE GOT SCREWED!

Emily said...



That's funny. Mine just sits on the couch with his arms folded all day. Never makes a peep. And I eat bon bons and watch soap operas.


Olivia said...

i hate rules and i hate enforcing them... maybe that's why i don't get any babies....

Azúcar said...

My rules are pretty basic at this point:

1.) No killing each other
2.) Don't break the tree

(And in that order.)

Azúcar said...

acte- that is about the coolest thing I've seen yet this holiday season. I'll talk to the administrator about some linkage.

Emily - quick! look! Your pants are on fire!

Azúcar said...

Kalli - I ship them off to the BCS people to sort it all out (and then it ends up being an even bigger mess.)

MCP - I don't have a mean thing to say to you. I know you're still hurting. It's OK to grieve.

April said...

"Illegal use of hands!" HA! I'm totally gonna use that the next time I see a guy adjusting his junk.

Geo said...

I admire your ability to deal with the crazymaking stuff of life with such irresistible humor.

In this game, I'm rootin' for the ref!