Sunday, November 18, 2007

One for Me and One for You

There's nothing like making the Poison Control Lady laugh.

Thursday was our first time calling Poison Control. I'm pretty excited that we made it 3 years and 11 months into parenthood without calling them once. Let's be honest, I've never, in my life had to call Poison Control. So my streak is really like *cough* 30 something years. I was beginning to think I'd never have to call Poison Control: we always buy childproof caps, we can tell the difference between Pine-Sol and Juice (I think,) and I always assumed that our kids are different, more cognizant, and more enlightened. This is, apparently, not the case.

LaQuina came over on the second shift and while I was getting dressed, she found a packet of birth control pills underneath the crib. So yes, I'm on the pill. I'm sorry if you didn't want to know that, but now you do. It's the mini-pill, progesterone only. Pink pills. No sugar pills. Sorry. Germaine to story.

The package was gnawed. Half the pills were gone. El Guille The Filthy Padawan ‘fessed up to the deed. You know, because I taunt him by leaving my delicious pills inside an envelope, under two piles of makeup, way back inside a drawer. I should practically put up a flashing sign: "EAT THESE."

We had a serious discussion about medicines. Then I spanked him (four smacks; messing around with medication is serious and deserves a pain association.) He was upset, but didn’t cry, and then we continued our conversation.

“Now I have to call the doctor.”

“Don’t call the doctor.”

“I have to. You ate all this medicine and I have to call the doctor to find out if he’ll have to cut your tummy open.”


“I’m sorry, but you ate medicine and when you eat medicine they might have to cut your tummy open.”


“I have to find out if they need to cut you open to get the medicine out.”


I called Poison Control (they actually took a long time to answer. What if this had been serious? What if El Guille had swallowed that stuff about the Iraq-9/11 connection?)

“Thank you for calling Poison Control”

I explained how my child came to eat birth control pills.

“Your child will be fine. There should be no side effects”

“Well, other than he can’t have a baby for 10-15 days.”

“ *Laughter* That’s correct, your child is currently sterile. But you won’t be.”

That’s nice, we shared a moment, Poison Control lady and I.

Then she asked for my name, and El Guille’s name.

What? Poison Control keeps tabs on you? Are they part of the New World Order? Hey, you repeat customers out there, when you call in and confess that your precious child ate two scoops of detergent, does Poison Control throw up your other parenting failures in your face?

“Thanks for calling Poison Control, this is Pam. Is that you, Margie, how is Bobby Ray? Mmmmm, Soft-scrub? Again? Can we consider some locks on cabinets, Margie?”

Poison Control is judging us.

When I turned off the phone I turned to El Guille.

“You’re lucky, you don’t have to get your tummy open.”

“Oh, I’m so happy mama!”

“But, the doctor did say that I needed to spank you again.”



i i e ee said...


Oh this is classic. I can't wait when El Guille is like 15 and you have an embarrassing story to tell about him.

"One day he ate up my birth control."

compulsive writer said...

No. They keep track so that when your child has ingested something he/she shouldn't--some two dozen beads, orange berries on the pyracanthia, a bottle of Windes or the medication he/she got out of the child-proof capped bottle with his/her own grubby little hands--they can address you on a first name basis.

Like long-lost friends.

And so that when your kids have become a little older and wiser and you haven't called them for quite awhile but you have to call because you accidently took double the dose of your antihistamine they can comment on the fact that it's been awhile and they've missed chatting with you. And kindly wish you "sweet dreams."

Fig said...

BAH ha ha ha. That is my explosive inner laughter (I'm at work) upon reading your snide swallowing-Iraq-9-11 aside. I love how you sneak those good funnies in.

My friend's kid ate a whole bottle of children's Tylenol the other day, and Poison Control told her that kids can safely eat 75 of those pills without hurting themselves.

What the?

fijiangirl said...

ha ha ha! that is so funny I woke up the family laughing. I think El Guille needs another spanking for making you and the other half find anternative birth control method for the next 2 weeks!

sue-donym said...

I love that you threatened to have the Dr. "cut him open", He will never go to the dr again.

~j. said...

We just had our first experience with PC a few weeks ago -- Superstar showed me a paper cup she had been using for "drink", and said cup contained a tiny bit of pink liquid. I ran up to the bathroom to find an EMPTY bottle of kids' fluoride mouthwash. When I called, PC Lady wanted to know how much Superstar had had to drink. I told her I honestly didn't know because I don't know how much had been in the container before -- so we had to assume that it was as much as the full bottle. Awesome. Our instruction was to drink milk, and then she asked our favorite color, hymn, and what we think of the ocean so that when she phoned back in an hour, we'd have something to discuss.

Sue said...

Ha! Poor kid. I've never had to call poison control, but am waiting for that day. It's like a rite of passage, right?

La Yen said...

And the doctor says I have to eat an entire carton of ice cream in front of yo and you can't have a bite. And your trains have to go to a cupboard so they don't get sick.

Physcokity said...


Marie said...

You are SO FUNNY. I'm going to use that cutting open the tummy one on my kids, if I ever have them. (And I wonder why the Parenthood Stars have not yet aligned in my favor :)

I once ate the whole bottle of fluoride pills as a kid and I think that was my only Poison Control story. But I wasn't trying to be naughty -- I figured you can never have too much of good thing... Plus, they tasted like candy. I don't remember if anyone threatened to cut my tummy open, but they should have said that when I ate too much chocolate. Would have solved so many of my problems.

c jane said...

The irony of this story.

b. said...

poor kid. poor mom.

When my second&third came along...I had to take back so many ignorant words...I think that's what made me fat. Anyway.....
Know what accidentally-on-purpose ingestion gets probably the most little kids admitted to the Peds Unit?


AzĂșcar said...

Ceeej- you said it.

Kerosene? I'm so glad I'm not pioneer enough to keep that stuff on hand.

Kalli Ko said...

and let's not even talk about how much money that kid ingested. BC is expensive yo!

Queen Scarlett said...

You never have a dull moment. Thanks for making us laugh. ;-)

Rynell said...

I'll admit it...I've called PC a few times. Most recently, I had to give all my kids doses of prescription cough syrup. I had given the youngest (4 years old) his and then poured the other kids' their little dose cups. The youngest one liked his so much he snatched the others' doses and drank those too. And this stuff really knocks them out anyway. I had to check on him all night to make sure he was breathing. Then PC called me again in the morning to make sure he was fine. So much funnier to have a sterile kid for 10-15 days.

sarah k. said...

That little weasel! I've called PC 3 times. They know me by name. The first time was for petroleum jelly, which will only cause a little "looseness" and the second was for deoderant, which is usually it's own deterrent after the first bite/lick.

The third time was for my step-dad's blood pressure medicine. We had no idea how much he'd taken, they were just in a ziploc bag in the bathroom. When I called PC, he asked the exact name of it, and then said, in a perfectly calm voice, "How fast can you get to the hospital?"

AzĂșcar said...

What happened, what happened after that?

Ryan and Susie said...

Holy cow that's scary and funny at the same time. I especially like the part about the NWO, they're keeping tabs on you now.

Thank goodness the Dr. didn't have to cut his tummy open. :)

Lois, Our Lady of Blogs said...

Our neighbor called PC when he saw his daughter alternately dipping and licking her lollipop in the gutter water right next to a DEAD BIRD! He freaked out when they asked for his name and phone number and hung up.

Geo said...

Dilemma: Do I purposely wake Rob up to read him this, or do I try to wait till morning and wake him up snickering in bed beside him?

If/when we have kids at the Sundog Mansion, will you be my parenting tutor?