There's nothing like making the Poison Control Lady laugh.
Thursday was our first time calling Poison Control. I'm pretty excited that we made it 3 years and 11 months into parenthood without calling them once. Let's be honest, I've never, in my life had to call Poison Control. So my streak is really like *cough* 30 something years. I was beginning to think I'd never have to call Poison Control: we always buy childproof caps, we can tell the difference between Pine-Sol and Juice (I think,) and I always assumed that our kids are different, more cognizant, and more enlightened. This is, apparently, not the case.
LaQuina came over on the second shift and while I was getting dressed, she found a packet of birth control pills underneath the crib. So yes, I'm on the pill. I'm sorry if you didn't want to know that, but now you do. It's the mini-pill, progesterone only. Pink pills. No sugar pills. Sorry. Germaine to story.
The package was gnawed. Half the pills were gone.
El Guille The Filthy Padawan ‘fessed up to the deed. You know, because I taunt him by leaving my delicious pills inside an envelope, under two piles of makeup, way back inside a drawer. I should practically put up a flashing sign: "EAT THESE."
We had a serious discussion about medicines. Then I spanked him (four smacks; messing around with medication is serious and deserves a pain association.) He was upset, but didn’t cry, and then we continued our conversation.
“Now I have to call the doctor.”
“Don’t call the doctor.”
“I have to. You ate all this medicine and I have to call the doctor to find out if he’ll have to cut your tummy open.”
“BUT I DON’T WANT HIM TO CUT ME OPEN.”
“I’m sorry, but you ate medicine and when you eat medicine they might have to cut your tummy open.”
“DON’T CALL THE DOCTOR.”
“I have to find out if they need to cut you open to get the medicine out.”
I called Poison Control (they actually took a long time to answer. What if this had been serious? What if El Guille had swallowed that stuff about the Iraq-9/11 connection?)
“Thank you for calling Poison Control”
I explained how my child came to eat birth control pills.
“Your child will be fine. There should be no side effects”
“Well, other than he can’t have a baby for 10-15 days.”
“ *Laughter* That’s correct, your child is currently sterile. But you won’t be.”
That’s nice, we shared a moment, Poison Control lady and I.
Then she asked for my name, and El Guille’s name.
What? Poison Control keeps tabs on you? Are they part of the New World Order? Hey, you repeat customers out there, when you call in and confess that your precious child ate two scoops of detergent, does Poison Control throw up your other parenting failures in your face?“Thanks for calling Poison Control, this is Pam. Is that you, Margie, how is Bobby Ray? Mmmmm, Soft-scrub? Again? Can we consider some locks on cabinets, Margie?”
Poison Control is judging us.
When I turned off the phone I turned to El Guille.
“You’re lucky, you don’t have to get your tummy open.”
“Oh, I’m so happy mama!”
“But, the doctor did say that I needed to spank you again.”