Monday, January 28, 2008

Air Popped Popcorn Sucks

I said it.

The best popcorn is made on the stove, tossed with salt, and has real melted butter drizzled over the top. So it was that last night, just as I was about to wrench El Guille from the arms of his grandparents, that grandpa pulled out the heavy-bottomed pot, set it on the stove and announced, "Let's make popcorn!"

You could have told El Guille that Thomas The Tank Engine and Bob the Builder were at his house with an unlimited supply of pizza and soda forever but that still wouldn't have been enough to tear him away from his grandpa's side. As it was late, I persuaded El Guille to allow grandpa to fill a plastic baggie with fresh popcorn to tote to our house. El Guille asked us to fill a bag for his daddy as well.

Other Half, I should explain, doesn't like popcorn, no matter how you make it. He'll even make a pained face and hold his nose if I indulge at the movies. Oh, he's very discrete about it, casually draping his hand over his nose and avoiding eye contact until I devour the bag (small please, no 'butter.') Sometimes the hand will drift to his forehead because the popcorn might even offend his delicate senses so much that he gets an instant headache. I know, we're all surprised he hasn't died of consumption yet.

And that is why, after getting the kids into bed, I helped myself to Other Half's bag of popcorn.

About an hour later Other Half wandered into the living room and asked me, "Hey, where is the floss?"

(We've resorted to hiding many, many things in our home. After we found a whole box of the stuff wrapping our furniture and going in a continuous sinuous thread around the living room-kitchen circle, the floss is now in an undisclosed location.)


Why could he need floss?

"Wait," I said, "Did you eat the bag of popcorn?"
"Yeah, why?"
"Because if you ate a bag, and I ate a bag, that means we ate El Guille's bag."

A look of fear and absolute horror passed in between us.

Seriously, you might as well have told us that Other Half was headed to Turkish prison and I owed 100 large to a guy named Fat Tony. We nervously contemplated our fate.

"Maybe he won't notice," Other Half said, breathing in sharply.
"Uhm, that may have worked before," I said in a panic, "But he notices things now!"
"He's going to freak."
"I know. Maybe he really won't notice, we have to make sure we don't bring it up. What am I talking about, he's going to flip out!"

Don't ask me why two grown adults were completely terrified, but I think we wisely went into denial for the rest of the night.

This morning, at 7:30am on the nose, a wail arose and whirled towards my bed.

"Honey, uh, your popcorn is gone."
"Honey, your popcorn had an accident."
"I'm sorry, your popcorn had an accident and now it's gone."
"I'm so sorry. Your popcorn had an accident and now it's gone. But, but, but, we can go to grandpa's house and get more."

So, as soon as everyone was awake and fed, we made the trek to grandpa's house for a sandwich bag filled with popcorn.

As we pulled up, El Guille noticed that the snow cave that grandpa built him had collapsed.
"BUT WHY IT COYAPSE? I don't want it to coyapse. My snow fort!"
"That's the great thing about snow! We can always make another one." This seemed to mollify him until we could at least get inside the house to where the popcorn was stashed.

A little later as the snow fell (sorry, still not tired of snow) El Guille contemplated the view out the window and announced, "Hey, the snow's coming down and it's going to make everything coyapse!"

Hmm, that must be what happened to me, the snow is going to make me coyapse at any moment.

Don't worry, El Guille got his final revenge in the popcorn debacle of aught eight when he tried to fix himself a cup of hot cocoa by himself.

Props though, dude, on the inclusion of Pero in your cocoa, that's pretty sophisticated for a four year old. I don't know if I'd go with a tumbler of half dry Pero, half dry Nesquik, though, that might seem like a little overkill.


Rynell said...

I understand the horror of waiting for him to notice.

And we only do popcorn popped on the stove too--it's the best.

Lindsey said...

I love it. The whole thing--I love it, but especially the Pero. That kid....

Bek said...

My kids are obsessed with popcorn (but mean mommy me, I do it in the microwave--I am allergic to corn, so they can just suffer!!!). We eat it at least every day. I even bought those cheesy "popcorn" buckets at the Target dollar aisle.

And yes, they notice. It is terrifying. We did that w/ one of Jacob's Disneyland treats. Not good.

I had to laugh at the floss b/c we do that too. Floss and chapstick. Yesterday, Cub found a hidden stash of threat from my sewing machine and wound THAT around the entire house. So, now I have to hide thread in the garage. Soon, there will be nothing left in the house, we will all be in the garage....

Michelle said...

I haven't had stove top popcorn in ages! I only have air popped. I will now have to conduct a taste test. I love the Mormon Mocha!

Kacy said...

I thought your husband hated popcorn? Was he trying to sabotage you?

Azúcar said...

Kacy, I hadn't thought of that before, you might have something. While he will never eat theater popcorn, rarely-to-never eat microwave popcorn, he might occasionally eat popcorn from the stove. Since those occasions are so rare (occurring only when Saturn is in the seventh house) I felt safe enough to snack.


All snacking should probably be coordinated from this point onward. Maybe I should make up some sort of flowchart.

The MomBabe said...

Oh, how I loved the days when they didn't notice things....

Jill said...

We've had the same problem with floss in our house. Band-aids too. Apparently they make pretty decorations.
I have also eaten the kids treats from grandma's house. The beauty of having four kids is that when one of them notices their treat missing, there are three other kids that can be blamed for eating it.
Not that I would even suggest that to the kid missing their treat.
Does that make me a bad mom?

April said...

You can't get away with anything anymore, can you? Jersey even told her bus driver, "You wore that shirt *last* Tuesday!" Well, we can't all have extensive wardrobes like she does, the stinker.

I'm really hungry for popcorn now.

Azúcar said...

I would have said, “Maybe I’d have more clothes if they were $2.99 like all of yours.”

I get such a kick out of picturing Jersey on a school bus.

kiki said...

Tell me about mixing pero and hot chocolate. I've never done this before.

Lois said...

Oh, Nigel gets in trouble all the time for eating the kids' food. Of course, I always blame it on Nigel.

Once I made popcorn on the stove in my wok in college. We were so excited to eat it that we immediately put the wok on the floor and ate our delicious popcorn while watching a movie. It wasn't until later that we discovered that my hot wok had burned a hole through the carpet and into the floor below. Oops!

Heidi said...

Whenever my little one can't find one of her treats she looks at me sorrowfully and says, "Daddy ate it!"

I'm usually the one who ate it. But I agree because a) he's at work, and b) it's my little revenge for all the laundry.

She's recently started saying, "Darn that Daddy!" I think I might have started that one, too.

Azúcar said...

Kiki- you can mix Pero and hot cocoa. Add a spoonful or two of Pero to cocoa, depending on how strong you like it. You can add cocoa to your Pero, too. Go ahead, go wild.

Lois- Somehow, I can picture me burning a hole in the rug accidentally too. I burned a hole in a TV once.

Heidi- There has to be some sort of reciprocity of laundry, right?

Marie said...

I think that kid's adding espresso to his Pero to his Nesquick -- he's a whirlwind of blogging fun!

I'm not much of a popcorn eater myself, but I just substituted chocolate for popcorn as I read and the horror was only too apparent.

Katie said...

After we had a 'Nesquik' incident about 7 years ago... it is in my highest cupboard and only I can get it out (yes, I am a little neurotic)

sarah k. said...

100% agreed on stove-popped corn. These days, I nuke one or 2 tablespoons of butter with equal (or more) honey, drizzle it on, then sprinkle with cinnamon. My kids frantically fight for the last kernel, but I always win.

Also, ever since I added 1/4 hot pero to Kiki's morning soymilk, she will tantrum if I don't add it every day. She will sip a few sips until the pero is done, then start slapping the sippy cup on my legs until I spike her breakfast. My current favorite morning pero is with international delight cinnamon-hazelnut creamer mixed it.

c jane said...

You say overkill, but I say JUUUUUST RIGHT.

Keep on keeping on EG!

Mo Jo's Weekly Update said...

I agree, stove popped popcorn is the best way to eat it. Does El Guille like to lick the popcorn out of the bowl like the rest of you Hoskissons.

Suzie Petunia said...

I know all about the wrath of a 4-year-old. Some may say we're silly to be scared, but we know better, don't we?

So what possessed your husband? Why did he eat the popcorn if he hates popcorn?

Azúcar said...

Because the stuff my dad makes is really good. Granted, Other Half doesn't eat it often, but if you were to eat popcorn, dad's popcorn is the kind you want to eat.

Mo- We haven't taught him that trick yet. I think it's high time he learned the subtleties of hands-free popcorn eating.