Every day on my way to and from work I pass a cemetery. It’s a nice little cemetery on the side of a hill overlooking the valley. Some days there will be tents and lots of mourners, children chasing each other and a long line of parked cars. Other days there will be just a few somberly dressed people, the hearse conspicuous on the manicured lawn. I like to see the decorations change with the seasons. It kind of warms my cold, dark heart to see a new set of flowers, Valentines, and reminders of other passing holidays on headstones.
One day, as I was driving home, a group of mourners was heading back to their cars. My eyes went wide as I watched them pick their way across the lawn. I couldn’t believe that I was seeing women, who had just attended a service in CUT-OFF JEAN SHORTS.
I’m sorry, but are daisy duke cut-offs ever, ever, ever appropriate at an internment? Did I miss an episode of What Not to Wear? Did the Fugly girls give their blessing to formal shorts for funerals (and thereby cause my admiration for them to turn to disgust?) Is it really OK to wear something where the pockets are hanging out of your butt ever, let alone to a solemn occasion?
Let me go on the record: if any of you wear jean shorts to my funeral, I will come back from the dead and haunt your remaining days with the wrath of raiment.
In the vein of all things morbid, I want a party for a funeral; there had better be funny stories and lots of laughing. In fact, I think I might make it black tie.
Other things that are not allowed:
Flip-flops. Seriously. I will go poltergeist on your cola.
Hot Tamales the candy. Don’t like ‘em. Even in death.
Crocs. You know what? You don’t need ‘comfy’ shoes for a funeral, not even you, c-dawg.
Throwing yourself on the coffin. That’s just tacky.
Ravel’s Pavane for a Dead Princess. Come on, that’s funny.
General snacks, including actual hot tamales. Hey, grieving is hard work, I get that. But my tamale recipe goes to the grave with me.
Dramatic displays of tears
The whole “LALALALALALA” thing that Palestinian women do.
Gabriel Garcia Marquez readings. Or something you wrote for the occasion (unless it's a poem.)
What's IN and what's OUT at your funeral?