Thursday, July 10, 2008

A Very Special Episode

A little while ago, I had a project for work that I had to finish and not a lot of time to complete it. I knew that I'd be up late writing some documentation and that I would need help staying awake. I dropped by the store to pick up some bread and decided that I didn't want a soda to keep me awake. I did, however, want some ice cream. And that's how I walked out of Smith's with a pint of Ben and Jerry's Coffee Heath Bar Crunch. Two birds, people.

Even though there isn't much caffeine in that ice cream, there's enough. Boy howdy am I caffeine sensitive. I'm mostly a social drinker of cola but I have to be careful not to drink past a certain point in the evening (like 6:30pm) otherwise I can't get to sleep at a reasonable hour. On this evening, that was precisely the point, no sleep for me at a reasonable hour, even if desired.

I enjoyed a couple spoonfuls and put it back in the freezer, then chatted with Sue, looked up the meaning of some words, wondered if the shirt I wanted went on sale, that reminded me of that one pair of shoes....PROJECT. What is wrong with me? Focus! I knew I'd pay the price the next morning if I didn't buckle down. It's bad enough to artificially keep yourself awake without actually doing what you're supposed to be doing. I finished in the wee hours and crashed.

The next morning I was greeted by El Guille jumping on my bed. Blerg, I felt like I was swimming through water. Jump! Jump! Jump! He was bouncing all over me. "Get up mama! Get up! I want some breakfast and toast and to watch a show on TV and I want two shows and can I? Can I? CAN I? WAKE UP!"

I made myself get out of bed and staggered into the kitchen.

El Guille started to run around in circles, through the kitchen, into the living room, hallway, around and around. "AND I want some TOAST and some COCOA," he shrieked."I am never doing this again," I thought. Then I had to stop thinking actual thoughts and just concentrate on moving my hand to stir the kid's cocoa.

El Guille said something to me and I tried to process his words, "And then can I? Can I? Can I PLEASE?" I mumbled something unintelligible about needing my glasses so I could do something (Butter toast? Find remote? Remember my own name?)

I cursed my past self for being so mean to future self; a double whammy--up too late and too much fake stimuli. El Guille was tearing around the room, leaping from chair, to sofa, to table, to piano, all while talking a million miles an hour. I can't even formulate a sentence and he won't shut his mouth. That was when I noticed it...

The empty carton of ice cream on the kitchen table.

The empty carton of CAFFEINE ice cream on the table.

All of a sudden, it made sense to me. I'm not moving too slow, El Guille is moving at the speed of light. He had gotten up, opened the freezer, and decided that ice cream could be breakfast, caffeine ice cream. He's become a photon. A photon that talks faster than Janet.

OK, universe! I get it.

Caffeine ice cream is bad. The bad caffeine ice cream drugged my child. I drugged my child. He didn't even make it to public school before I hopped him up on something or other.

Is that egg?

No, just object lesson all over my face.


Cafe Johnsonia said...

Oh, yes. Children and caffeine. I remember when my daughter drank some caffeinated beverage one of us left open on the table.

I made some high octane tiramisu gelato a few weeks ago. (We called it Section 89 may/may not have also had a "little" rum in it.) I haven't had caffeine my entire pregnancy and boy did that get my heart started. I determined that the next time I make it, I better only use 1 Tbsp. instant espresso powder instead of 3.

(Thanks for the laugh this morning.)

ClistyB said...

well, look at it this least it wasn't a beer! :)

Christian F said...

This post makes no sense to me. I'll try reading it again after my a.m. Diet Coke.

Kacy said...

That was me. See what I mean?

Lisa said...

I like the way El Guile finishes a project.

gurrbonzo said...

The universe sent you a message?! THAT'S THE SECRET.

Geo said...

That lesson was delivered in painful perfection. Wow!

the MomBabe said...

my kids have caffeine every day. sigh. don't tell anyone.

AzĂșcar said...

Hey, if YOU can deal with your kids on caffeine, then by all means.

Gurrbanzo--I think you're right, this is the first documentation of The Secret working in my life.

I may have to drop my ridicule, backbench my nasty comments about how The Secret goes against all the laws of nature, and open myself up to all that the universe has to offer me.

Rachel said...

As I was reading this, I was like, "Didn't she blog about this a little while ago? Like, right after it happened? How could she have forgotten?" And then I remembered that I got to hear it in person over a late-night dinner at Village Inn. It was as funny then as it is now. Ha! That El Guille cracks me right on up. PS I wish I had some B&Js right now, but I'm too lazy to go get it.

Likely said...

I'm pretty sure you meant Heath instead of Health in the title of your frozen concoction. I don't think that B&J's would ever have the word Health anywhere near the title of a pint of that wicked stuff.

I love when you talk past self and future self...funny

AzĂșcar said...

Oops! Thanks Likely! One of these days I should get a real editor (not the sleep deprived sham of an editor that usually works around here.)

Mandee said...

that is so my life... but without the caffeinated ice cream.

sara said...

Caffeinated ice cream might just become my new best friend. Who wouldn't rather eat ice cream than drink a Dr. Pepper for the same effect? Although a Barq's rootbeer float would also be a good alternative...

You told the story so well; I love the image of the groggy you & million miles an hour son. Just hilarious.

Jill said...

I do the same "staying up late to get work done and then spent my time working on other projects so I end up staying up even later than I had planned to get the actual work done" thing also. I think it's because it's quiet with everyone else asleep, and it's nice to get a moment of silence without kids fighting or wanting me to do stuff for them.

I'm a vetran with this ice cream thing.
Put it in the BACK of the freezer.
You need to put the ice cream in a grocery sack and hide it in the VERY BACK, and then put some sort of green vegetables, or frozen liver or something like that in front of the ice cream so the kids won't look there.
Trust me on this one.

more caffeine, please said...

I'm kind of bummed that I'm so immune to caffein that the only effect that ice cream would have on me would be immediate muffin tops.

El Guille is my kind of man.

more caffeine, please said...

See, I'm so hyper right now I'm leaving vowels off the end of words. Caffeine.

and p.s.
JANET! - That is the best of your blog so far. Hilarious!

fijiangirl said...

Yikes. O.k. this story is too funny. I sort of wish I could have seen it in person but it probably woudn't be as funny if I was there while it happened.

Sue said...

I bought some caffeine mints the other day, like tic tacs. I thought maybe they would help me stop drinking so much soda.

My three year old found them. HOOBOY, that was a really fun day.

Lucky Red Hen said...

All I can do is laugh (it's something that could happen to me) :)

Jane @ What About Mom? said...

I love me the coffee/mocha flavored coffee, even though I've never had coffee in my life.

I'm just a social-smeller of coffee, I guess. Love going down the grind-your-beans aisle at the store.

Hope El Guille recovers soon!

Anonymous said...

1) I love that you called it 'cola'
2) Need to get me some of that ice-cream
3) I can't have said caffeinated cola after 3:30 p.m.
4) Henry has cocoa nearly morning along with toast w/toasty butter
5) Every morning feels like that to me.
6) It's 1:13 a.m. as I type this. Told you.

Karyn said...

If only they made Benadryl B&J. Now that would be a decadent treat for moms... not for MOMS to eat, of course... am I dreaming about drugging my kids to sleep? No. But if they were going to get into something they shouldn't be into, wouldn't it be great if it made them take a long nap?!

Physcokity said...

El Guille + caffeine = funny

Although I have to admit it kind of makes my head hurt to envision all this. I feel for you!