Monday, November 03, 2008

In which I run afoul of the law not once, but twice

It was Susie's birthday so a few of us hit the town for churrasco and a movie.

Susie, I love her, but when she picks the movie I just go, even though it's assuredly something I never wanted to see (Chuck and Larry) because that's what you do for friends. And to get out of the house before you lose your mind.

Susie picked The Changeling.

I grimaced inside but it's birthday law: you have to see what the birthday girl wants to see, end of story. First of all, The Changeling is a Clint Eastwood joint which means it should be just as full of sunshine and blue birds as Million Dollar Baby and Unforgiven. Oh, they are excellent films, some of the best, just not warm and fuzzy. Second, The Changeling is about a mother whose little boy goes missing. Third **minor spoiler alert** the movie takes place against the back drop of a child serial killer (draw your own conclusion) and explores themes of how marginalized women could be without a male protector during the time period.** Corrupt cops, mental institutions, and missing children, you know, fun!

The tension was relieved by our audience. There was the lady who kicked my chair, during the PREVIEWS, for texting Tiffany once to tell her in which row we were seated. Sorry, the previews are fair game, because they're ADS not movies. The large fellow two seats down from me who belched repeatedly, started counting the big time swears, and then informed his wife, "Well that's why it's rated R," and proceeded to get huffy every time someone swore. Here's an idea, if you're offended by things in a rated 'R' movie, don't go to rated 'R' movies. Our favorite was the lady several rows down who thought she was at an Adam Sandler movie; she whooped, hollered, and clapped the whole time. She was the only one. So, disturbing movie, funny patrons.

The three of us spent the hour after the movie chatting in the parking lot to get the freakies out of our heads. Susie apologized profusely. I made fun of her for picking a movie about a mom searching for her lost, possibly dead son when we each have little boys. Good one Sus!

Just as we were starting to feel warm and fuzzy again, a mall security SUV pulled up to my car. The guard inside said, "I'm so sorry, I'm supposed to ask you to leave the lot. I'm so sorry." We all giggled. Nothing like crossing Johnny Law to celebrate a 30th birthday. I guess now that we're in our 30s our law bending days are pretty much over, so we complied.

I called T right away on her phone to finish our conversation while I drove towards home. We were in the middle of laughing about Susie's taste in movies when I saw the flashing lights in the rear view.

What? I checked my speed: four over the limit.

The officer approached my car.

"Good evening. Did you know you have a headlight out?"
"Oh, no, sorry, this is my sister's car (true.)"
"You also crossed the center line."
At this point I'm freaking out. I'm wondering if I'm actually going to have to get out of the car and perform a sobriety test. A sobriety test! Like on Cops! Or Reno 911!
"I did?"
"Yeah, have you been drinking tonight, Ma'am?"
Ok, I have never in my entire life had a drink. I once stuck my tongue into a daquari I ordered on my honeymoon cruise (I was pretty sure that the server didn't remember that I ordered it virgin,) felt the old-fashioned Benedryl burn, and promptly sent the drink back.
"No, sir," I said as he pointed his flashlight at the center console and then at the passenger side, where the light landed on an empty Minute Maid Lemonade.
"Lemonade, huh?"
"Haha! Yeah, you know, the hard stuff," I blurted out and immediately regretted.
"What have you been out doing?"
"We just got out of a movie."
"Which one?"
"The Changeling."
"Oh, was it good or bad?"
How do I answer this question? Technically the film has some merits even though it's directed in such a ham-fisted way, although I didn't care for the filters the DP used and for how skinny Angelina was, but Amy Ryan was great (isn't she always) and Malkovich is wasted and don't get me started on the storyline--well OK, there are cops that don't believe a woman and subject her to terrible things while her boy is still G-O-N-E. So I said,
"I heard it's about a missing kid and corrupt cops," said the cop.
"Uh, yeah, it is, and we're all mother of little boys so it was probably not the best idea. Haha."
"License and registration please."

I texted Tiffany and waited nervously. Corrupt cops. Mental institution. The officer sauntered up to the car.

"Well, your headlight is out, but since this is your sister's car, I won't give you a ticket."

And also because you have nothing on me, copper.

I drove home very carefully and tried to stop giggling from nerves. I was so wired when I got home that I attempted something I should not have attempted, but I will save that story for tomorrow, stay tuned.

Today's Gear:
Orange merino sweater with a shawl collar, zebra print corduroy skirt, gold and black stone necklace, black fishnets, and the same flats I've been wearing every other day because they were the same height as my post-op boot. I did get to wear both shoes today (hooray!) even though I still walk funny. No heels. Sigh.

Update: Sweater - Banana Republic. Skirt - Target, maybe three years ago? Shoes - Nine West from


Queen Scarlett said...

I feel a little jipped... I was expecting you inside the outfit.

LOVE the outfit...but um... where's Azucar?

Tiffany UnTwisted said...

Yes, Chuck and Larry was almost equally as bad of an experience. Let's just say movie and surprise a pick on her next time.

And where did those shoes come from?? I haven't seen them before!!!

Azúcar said...

Girl, it's not like you work with me everyday anymore! I gots lots of things you've never seen.

It was faster to lay out the clothes than to set up the camera on a timer etc., etc.

compulsive writer said...

Sweet. I can't wait for the rest of the story tomorrow--oh wait, it's today already!

Lindsey said...

WHAT???????????? You were going to be IN the outfit! No fair... that is what, I will show you what I am WEARING means! NOT what I am GOING to POSSIBLY be WEARING! (Cheater)

sarah k. said...

Please, please promise me to send me that skirt when you are done with it. I don't care if it takes 20 years.

Also, awesome story. Nothing like meeting a corrupt cop in Provo.

Annette Lyon said...

This is hysterical.

But bithday or no birthday, there's no way you could drag me to a movie about child abduction--same reason I'll never read Deep End of the Ocean. It'd freak me out too much.

Jenny said...

Ok I feel like a loser now. I threw on basically the first things I could find to go vote this morning. Love the cute shoes.

Kate Coveny Hood said...

Great story! I have hard time watching anything about lost, hurt or abused children now. This is a condition most definitely linked to my becoming a mother 3.5 years ago.

Azúcar said...

I swore off Law & Order SVU for two whole years.

Michelle said...

Hilarious story and the cop pulling you over was just too good to be true. By the way I love all your outfits- this has to be a plus of working outside the home. Those were the days!

Bek said...

I love your posts! Also, there is something in each day's outfit that I want to own. Will you share where you got things? Where do you usually shop?

I am dying for the red swing jacket from day one. Will you be my personal shopper?
And each cheese with me?

Azúcar said...

Bek, you know I'd love to be your personal shopper. Just let me know when the ticket's in the mail (also, Lisa will need one) and we'll hit the stores.

Double affirmative on the cheese.

Anne-Marie said...

Small talk is a for sure way to slither out of a ticket. Or nervous pointing to your lemonade can.
Great post.

Amy said...

I like the outfit theme, and I like this post. I might copy your idea, but then my 4 readers would realize that I wear the same functional and unfashionable thing every single day.

Natalie said...

i like how you can think clearly enough when pulled over to discuss the movie thoughtfully.

i'm always too busy frantically batting my eyelashes and trying to look cute to get out of the ticket to use my brain parts so well.

b. said...

I was not so lucky with one of my encounters with the provo cops....jerkwads!

This outfit is also very nice. I like it.