jetsetgreen

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Maybe It's Ebola

I’ve been considering calling in sick, no, not from my job for pay, but for the other one.

You know, the one where your work starts at 3:24 in the morning when the baby wakes up, and really gets going when the other ones wake up at the break of dawn. The one where people touch you inappropriately all day and you’re forced to yell at them for walking around half dressed—like they’re mini Clarence Thomases or something.

If someone I worked with actually took my contacts out of the soaking receptacle and tore them in half with his teeth, I could call HR and they would make it all better. There is no calling HR in this house (but there is calling Santa, and that’s more fearsome than any Director of HR.)

How would it be if there was no cooking, no dish washing, no sock-finding, no band-aid application, no mental pantry inventory calculations, no detergent level analysis, no soap-stocking or shampoo backup, no mail retrieval, no garbage day monitoring, no shoe sizing, no BATHS, no birthday cupcakes, no show-and-tell emergency delivery, in fact no delivery of people to any locale, no diaper disposal clearance, no remote operator or finder, no flossing, no hair brushing, no mopping of urine from target practice, no wall or window or baseboard scrubbing, no table-wiping, no coffee table detailing, no old sippy cup-of-doom opening, no light bulb changes, no Christmas presents, or even hugs or snuggles or boo-boo kissing, no homemaking.

Would it be so bad around these parts?

Would people even notice if I got so sick I couldn’t leave my bed (or my novel?)

I think I feel a fever coming on…

13 comments:

Morgan Moore said...

This is my life- but the party starts at 1 am here (luckily Chris & I are usually already awake) and then Kate wakes up and it's a big party. Every. Single. Night.

Whenever Henry starts mis-behavin' we just blurt out "COAL ALERT" which quickly whips him into shape that or I usually start singing, "...he sees you when your sleeping...he knows when your awake" which produces the same response. I don't know what I'm going to do when Christmas is over...

b. said...

Come over to my house RIGHT NOW...to see the future should you succumb to your illness.

The Bakers said...

I had this sort of break down the other day. I told Frank I wanted to move to Barbados with him and live a life of sin and debauchery. Maybe it's the time of year...

Azúcar said...

A single guy I work with wondered if we were really teaching our kids about Santa. The parents all looked at each other and sais YES! He's the most effective disciplinary tool at our disposal for almost two months!

Yellow fever? SARS? What is most believable?

Cafe Johnsonia said...

Let me know how it goes. I've been trying for years. The only thing that sort of worked was landing myself in the ER with gallstones and pancreatitis. I got a few days in the hospital out of it, but it was back to work as nothing happened afterward. (I'm not joking.)

This is me said...

Wait, are we ALLOWED to call in sick?! I wish I had known because I have felt like death all week. And yet, in three days I had four Christmas parties to not only attend but take food to.
Plus the wrapping of presents, sending of Christmas cards, doing of laundry, feeding of children, etc.
Well, tomorrow is Saturday and I am officially clocking out.

the MomBabe said...

I think things would be very bad if you called in sick. Because then you might, like, feel refreshed or something. I mean, who ever heard of a refreshed mother? Gah. So selfish. ;)

Kalli Ko said...

I'm just starting to realize that sick days do not come included in this job package.

i hope i survive...

c jane said...

Yeah and also that "call to Santa" excuse is running out quick.

Azúcar said...

Go ahead, rub it in.

Geo said...

You need midnight pound cake.

Amber said...

After the four-millionth "mama?" I told my daughter I was changing my name. Everything they EVER say to me starts with "mama?". I swear I if I hear it ONE MORE TIME...

Sometimes I think it might be better if they just called me Amber. At least it's something different!

And what's with kids needing to eat EVERY SINGLE DAY? Sometimes even more that once a day! Pretty sure I wasn't aware of this when I signed on.

smart mama said...

yes I want my sick days and vacation time? there are days i am so tired a minimum security prison sounds kind of restful... too bad you have to commit bad crimes to get one of those quiet rooms.