Friday, February 27, 2009

The Best Show on TV

One of my favorite shows on TV is not actually a show. 

Well, it’s not a scripted show, or a reality show, it’s beyond all of that—it’s like hyper-reality—it’s on QVC.

One night when Other Half was flipping through the channel guide, the name of the show scrolled past and I shrieked, “WAIT!”
“Go back. No, no, yes.”
“Are you serious?”

He shot me a look but changed the channel to the Quacker Factory with “Head Quack” Jeanne Bice.

Are you familiar, because if you are not, please, allow me.  Jeanne Bice is a woman of a certain age and concentration of matter whose trademark is a thick headband worn ala Olivia Newton John in Let's Get Physical.  Same short blonde hair, too. 

All of those idiosyncrasies are easily forgiven when you realize that she sells the most awesome collection of clothing on the planet, including the kind of sweater you can see from space.  Yes, these sweaters can out bling Nelly: sequined American flags with matching fireworks, Santas that crawl out of your collar and spell Ho-Ho-Ho in sparkles, glitter, and pom-poms, there really is no limit to the intensity of decoration.

photo courtesy qvc.dom

And the dialogue between whatever unfortunate QVC host lost the dice game and the formidable Ms. Bice is just as good.  The QVC host tries to raise her eyebrows to feign delight at a matching pajama set in silver that can be worn out on the town, or just lounging around.  No mention on the number of cats that come with the pajama set.

Other Half had a look of horror on his face as the hosts discussed a vibrant kelly green sweater with aggressive red cardinals.  He pointed at Jeanne, who was showing off some sort of matching fabric ‘purse,’ and said, "It would be awesome if her bag said ‘I ate some birds’.”

I really can’t turn away from the show; it’s like a present only to me, and your Aunt Verla-Mae.  So if you get bored with your Friday Night Lights, and you’re ready to stop watching Heroes forever, do yourself a favor and tune into QVC.


La Yen said...

I love love LOVE Quacker Factory. I imagine it is what a Red Hat Club meeting is like. But more so. Christmas time is the best.

the MomBabe said...

I totally stopped watching Heroes. all the sudden, I just hated it.

amelia said...

My neck is already feeling itchy just looking at that thing.

b. said...

This may be the best news I've heard since the death of my dvr days.

We just so happen to get the QVC beamed down our leftover satellite...FO FREEEEE!

lisa said...

I'm so glad you said something. No one else had so I thought it was my imagination that the hosts on there were occasionally rendered nearly speechless by that unique woman.

annette said...

I believe my Mom wore said "vibrant kelly green sweater with aggressive red cardinals" two Christmases ago. Oh no. I fear some deviously evil plot to take over the world by ostentatiously ugly fashion is upon us and my mom is one of their (no offense Mom) tasteless victims!

lisa said...

I believe, technically, the term is "Quacker" :)

jeri said...

That picture even smells of cat.

Sue said...

Oooh, I've seen that stuff. I think in order to be a host on QVC you have to have very, ahem, FLEXIBLE feelings about honesty.

b. said...

I think I saw one of those snowmen move!

Jen, RN said...

Last night one of my coworkers sat next to me while I was feeding a baby (unsolicited mind you) and proceeded to go through the QVC website showing me all the wonderful treasures she's boughten-so reading your post kind of made me laugh a little-I wonder if the heavens are trying to tell me something....

Queen Bea said...

Did you know that she also sells sweaters with built-in fiber optic lights? I'm not kidding! :-)

. said...

You are too funny. I thought I was the only one who watch QVC just for the Quaker Factory entertainment. I really must get a pair of her pajamas one of these days!

Becky said...'s how i survived breastfeeding before cable. sigh. now i just have to dream about the san francisco shopping weekends in with all my cousins that we plan on doing when we're all older and fabulously will be themed midwestern-old-lady and we will all wear our best christmas sweater covered in sequins and doo-dads and not-so-clever christmas puns...really, we've been dreaming about/planning it since college.

ps: you don't know me. sorry for commenting unexpectedly. i had to. nothing brings out the chatter in me like a good fur-collared sweater of hilarity.

ps2: i very much enjoy your posts. sense of humor. life perspective. all of that.

Azúcar said...

Anyone who loves Gabriel García Márquez like I do is welcome around here.