jetsetgreen

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

I Feel Like Phoning Into This Blog Today

“Hey blog, so uhm, how’s it going?”

“Good. It’s good. Yeah…good.”

“I guess that’s good.”

“Listen, uh, it’s been like over a week since you last posted something.”

“Oh really, it doesn’t really seem like a week.”

“Over a week.”

“Right, well, who’s counting?”

“I am. Look, do you remember back in the day before you used Google Reader?”

“I think so, gosh it’s been years.”

“Do you remember refreshing people’s blog pages and checking constantly for them to update?”

“I didn’t really have a lot to do at work back then, so I vaguely remember that.”

“Well you were all, 'I hate when people go a week without updating, I mean seriously, is it that hard to just write something?'”

“Oh.”

“Yeah, nice Judgey McJudgerson. Guess the stiletto is on the other foot now, isn’t it?”

“I meant to write something, really, I did.”

“Right.”

“No seriously. I had this whole post planned the other night about how I hate red roses with baby’s breath and how my husband gets them every year for me. And how he called me on the phone as I was leaving work to suggest something…”

“Go on.”

“Well, I have to save what he suggested, because it was pretty good. And by pretty good I mean it made me so angry I couldn’t see straight. I fumed as I drove to the grocery store. A lesser writer would have told you that they ‘literally’ fumed to emphasize how upset they were, but I am not and have never been in danger of spontaneous combustion, nor am I on fire.”

“Oh yeah, we all know what a ‘great’ writer you are.”

“Shut it. Like I was saying, as soon as I walked into the store there were 30 arrangements of red roses and baby’s breath and it was like ZEUS HIMSELF WAS IN LEAGUE WITH MY HUSBAND TO CAUSE ME ANGUISH and frustration at the general lack of floral integrity in this world.“

“And…”

“I went to Cooking Club and got all the rage out in front of them instead.”

“They don't want to hear your narcissistic take on flowers. What else did they say?”

“I think they were generally shocked at my level of outrage. It probably seemed a little over the line. But then Nemesis made a rape of Nanking joke and I collapsed into giggles.”

“Hardly seems a joking matter.”

“Guess you had to be there.”

"Clearly."

32 comments:

Jenny said...

I thought you were hysterical. It was a real nice change to be the person listening to the rage instead of the one expressing it.

I still start twitching and ticking each time I walk past the Jell-O, and that incident was like a month ago now. I think we all have our rage moments.

La Yen said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
La Yen said...

I heard a rape of Nanking joke on Leno the other night...

Azúcar said...

They're ripping off everyone!

Marianne & Clayton said...

Baby's breath. Could anything sound less romantic? And those are some of the fugliest arrangements I have ever seen.

Azúcar said...

They're downright insulting.

Kerry said...

Google Reader saved me from total OCD blog-checking. Oh, the praises I sing for it.

Mrs. Organic said...

Probably the only things worse than red roses and baby's breath are carnations and baby's breath.

Kalli Ko said...

babies breath=death

A Few Tacos Shy... said...

I'm so done with Valentine's Day (much to my husband's happiness). No flowers for this girl. And especially no generic red roses and baby's breath. What is baby's breath? Is that supposed to be romantic? Sounds gross.

Nemesis said...

Crap, now I sound totally callous. Except the joke WAS funny, and you DID have to be there, and the fact that Azucar laughed so hard at it made my girl-crush on her go up about 3 notches.

Also Leno can just step off.

Shirley said...

Nothing says 'love' like a grocery store bouquet.

Shirley said...

...maybe throw in a grocery store American Greetings card with lots of flowers or a beach scene and add a box of Whitman's Chocolates in a heart shaped box (with a ribbon embossed on it).

Who luv's ya, baby?

sarah k. said...

Do you want to hear the story about how my MIL asked a neighbor to create the wedding bouquet that I didn't want, and when I finally conceded, I asked for a nosegay of JUST roses (barely pink), wrapped tightly with a satin ribbon, and how, the next day, she came over with this giant, horrendous gobble of blood-red roses with a freaking ton of baby's breath and a bunch of that crappy green stuff, wrapped with a little, teeny lacy ribbon that hung down like a rat's tail?

No? Oh well.

Fig said...

Baby's breath is the devil's weed. I hate that shiz.

Cafe Johnsonia said...

And now I find out about all the fun I missed too--not just the food. I'll never miss a cooking club again.

Sue said...

I love babys breath. I even grew it in my yard in Las Vegas.

Azúcar said...

I don't mind baby's breath per say, I just hate them in rose arrangements; so cliche it kills me. And by killing I mean reeeaaallly slowly since all it really does is raise my blood pressure to an unhealthy degree for a short period of time. So it very well might kill me in 40 years.

Fig said...

I worked at a floral for two years in high school (which I LOVED, by the way - Azúcar, do you ever do flowers? You'd be so good at it), so I witnessed firsthand the extreme overuse of baby's breath. My illogical dislike of it stems, I'm sure, from that experience. As does my love of weird, slightly messy, vibrantly-colored mix bouquets - the tidy clusters of baby's breath around the same old roses just gives me an itch.

martha corinna said...

My husband gets me the red roses with babys breath every year.
I guess he doesn't listen when I go on and on about how much I love mums and peonies.
I'm a beggar though so...

smart mama said...

Oh I am a hater here too-- first rules of flwoer-
1. no mums
2. no carnations
3. no babys breath

few things make me want to vomit more than those

Good Things Utah said...

Hey girl! Just found your blog and LOVE it! Want to come on our show sometime? Let me know!

Azúcar said...

My friends are awesome.

Fig said...

@Good Things Utah: ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

Likely said...

The ONLY way baby's breath is tolerable and actually quite stunning is when it is in a HUGE mass, a cloud of million star baby's breath. And nothing else with it. I actually saw a wedding where the bridesmaids were holding baby's breath bouquets -- and they were fabulous. I can say this because if you remember, I am the flower snob. I know these things.

I used to HATE carnations and baby's breath but I have changed my mind. I have seen some pretty incredible things done with them both.

I am sooooo with you though. I hate the combination roses-baby's breath-leather leaf. I think I can't stand leather leaf more than I can't stand baby's breath. Well, I can't stand BB with roses. I can't stand leather leaf with ANYTHING. NAsty stuff looks like it was snipped from the amazon and then shuffled in with my delicate roses???? dear dear me.

I happened to work for two floral shops while I lived in Utah. One of them was the best thing that ever happened to flowers in Zion, but it closed down. It was in the Riverwoods and a really cool girl named Ana ran it. Good Heavens, what was the name of it? It was some funky foreign name....it is killing me... whatever. Now SHE had style.

I ended up quitting the other shop because she made me create nasty arrangements. Then I did it on my own....weddings, etc.

I feel another venting flower post coming on....

Likely said...

And I have to say those arrangements are AWFUL. Not only because of the composition but of the placement....

C'MON!!!! The roses are sticking out like a dozen microphones. Give me three red roses snipped and places in a mint julep cup and I am a happy valentine....

If you ever find yourself in a situation where you need to throw up, look through a teleflora catalog. roses - check, baby's breath - check, leather leaf - check, happy face mug - check. Happy birthday pick - check.

I am off to find a link for you....

Likely said...

Here is a little something. I like it:
http://flickr.com/photos/24702778@N08/2393695417/

I know, I still can't do fancy links.

Likely said...

I will stop hijacking your blog now......

Can you tell this is a passion of mine? Did you know that while I was in the same ward as you I was doing flowers??? I even created Valentine's Day arrangements for a dozen or so women in the ward (from their husbands). Too bad OH didn't know about that one.

The Rookie said...

I'm with you. The combination is tacky, tacky, tacky. Like a grown woman wearing a Tweety Bird t-shirt.

Ryan and Susie said...

You need to suggest proflowers.com to Other Half. They do all the work for you. I think he might have better luck that way. My flower gifts have gone from bust to must since Ryan discovered it.

sara said...

There's nothing better than well-written dialogue between author and blog. I literally died laughing!

amelia said...

So with you on the roses. Um and thanks for the inside peek into Azucar vs. blog.