jetsetgreen

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

I Cried You the Mississippi

I just got done with our taxes and we owe money—about the cost of the plasma screen at Costco that we will not be getting, like, ever.

This would be no big deal for most people, however I have the incredible ability to take a small setback and turn it into the Panic Beyond Description. Not only will we not be stimulating the economy through ill-conceived squandering, but it’s quite possible that I will never be able to buy anything again as long as I live.

We will have to eat cereal. No, we’ll be eating rice and beans. I could take rice and beans, but the thought of the howls of disappointment from the other half of the family makes me grimace (which sucks, because I’ll never be able to pay out for wrinkle cream.)

We won’t be able to afford a home because who would lend to people who owe a plasma’s worth to Big Brother? Even if they would lend, how could we possibly afford a house with these albatross-ian debt obligations weighing on our necks? It’s like the world is crumbling around us even more than Anderson Cooper says it is (hold me.)

At this rate, there will be no more Haagen-Daz, just 5 pound econo-ice cream tubs on sale for $1.99—protective ice layer included—and unlimited toilet paper to dab the tears. No matter how bad it gets, I’m always springing for bathroom tissue. We are not a ‘bring-your-own’ establishment.

What if we run out of dish soap and I have to use gravel that I chopped myself in my food processor until it was the right grade of fine grit? What if my children need new clothes? It’s re-using plastic Target bags for us—at least then I won’t be annoyed when E.G. rips a hole in his ‘knee’; I can just tie on another bag!

My only form of live entertainment will be Rock Band; the video game played with plastic guitars and an inordinate and entirely uncalled-for amount of living room strutting. There will be, however, no downloading of any more songs, not even if Stephen and The Colberts release their long-anticipated follow-up to Charlene (I’m Right Behind You.)

OK, that’s not that far different than how my life is right now.

So there’s that.

25 comments:

Andreared said...

You could always make another "tax deduction."

Jodi said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jodi said...

Throw me in the same boat and toss me that extra life jacket!

Good luck to you (and me)!!

Hilary said...

We used to pay buckets til' we bought a house. And let's just say that a house in the bay area gives you a VERY large tax deduction.
We use it to the fullest extent of the law.

dalene said...

Been there. Doing that. And yeah, it pretty much stinks.

b. said...

What do you mean uncalled for?
It is definitely CALLED FOR!

And I'll bet your living room makes for some EXCELLENT strutting!

(sorry about the government)

ktb said...

Lets go golfing ... on me. I had to pay $5000+ last year cause of some dumb thing called capital gain tax. I feel your pain.

Sue said...

I feel your pain - I really do.

I always procrastinate what I call 'the great day of repentance' because we always, ALWAYS owe (self employed). Every year I vow it won't happen to us again next year, but every year it does. It's PAINFUL. I will weep with you. I was hoping to actually buy some maternity pants, but instead I will send my money to the government every stinking month for the next year. BOO.

emily said...

We got $800 back from federal and owe $500 state. Lame. But at least we're getting something (and, uh, we only paid $74 in taxes. Seriously. You should see my husband's W-2. I burst out laughing when I opened it).

Monica said...

You could try loosing your job, it worked for us. We pay through the nose every year and have never got a refund EVER until hubby lost his job this year. Now we are getting back a large sum of money.

The down side, we've been living like that all year.

Oh and it's true having a house to write off is a HUGE deduction.

Azúcar said...

That's what I told J: we need to buy a bigger house so we can have more of a deduction than we have now with our condo. Then his brain exploded.

I hear that the reason many of us owe for the first time in years is that we're paying back the stimulus check we got last year.

If I'd known that...

Chief Momma said...

For the first year ever we owed taxes too. I was soooo mad.

amelia said...

I am going to sing my praises for getting an accountant. The last time we did our own taxes (when it was easy because we both had non-self-employed jobs, no house, no kids) - crunching the numbers numerous times before filing, even through Turbo Tax - we owed about $500. So we paid for an accountant and got hundreds back. Last year, my first time filing taxes under the independent contractor label (freelancer), we still got money back when the accountant did it.

Mrs. Organic said...

Emergency Haagen-Daz supplies are in transit.

Geo said...

I feel sure if we put our heads together we can come up with a wrinkle cream made from wheatgrass.

Carol-Lyn said...

NO!!! Not the food processor!

Also ... I second what Amelia said. Definitely worth paying the $75 to the accountant. Let me know if you're looking for one. I pretty much owe my financial life to mine. He's good.

Kacy said...

Take heart. Living-room strutting will always be free.

153351 said...

Ur doin it rong.

kiki said...

It's snowing on tax day, and I had to pay taxes! $1200! Today is TEH SUCK! And, yes, the stimulus check we received has caused us to pay more than we would have. I think I still would have had paid a healthy chunk to state even if it weren't a factor, though.

P.S. I would like to publicly express my love for my mom and dad. Many times, they make life a little bit easier to live.

martha corinna said...

Oh my goodness. I love Stephen Colbert.

April is a bad time of year for us as well.

Anne-Marie said...

Taxes.

Boo....Hiss.

(I have copious amounts of boys clothes before you resort to Target bags)

fijiangirl said...

So does that mean the new car is on hold as well? I feel bad for you. Taxes suck, all Americans pay way way too much in taxes. In CA we only got $120 back from state and that was sent in the form of an IOU. An IOU from the government? NICE!

rookie cookie said...

Here's the solution. Worked like a charm for us.

Have a husband with lame feet that require surgery and have a baby in the same year. On top of that, have crappy health insurance and pay like he dickens for everything. THEN, you can write off all your health expenses and STICK IT TO THE FREAKING MAN.

It felt so good to give the government the proverbial bird.

smart mama said...

oh I am sorry the frist year we were married we owed 2 plasma tvs worth- OUCH! I had to laugh about the target bags because once when I taught 1st grade I had some stuff in my recycle art bins (including some plastic bags)- next thing I knew one of my students came to my desk he had made it into a swimsuit- one piece womens style the handles for straps and forced his legs through the bottom of the bag- I don't think I ever laughed so hard!

wendysue said...

I had to laugh at Andreared. . .a friend of mine that's an OB-GYN was saying the other day that they are seeing more and more babies. She said "well, if people can't be out spending money, they gotta do something!!"