Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Guest Post: I Don't Use Pickup Lines

It took months of cajoling and one missed deadline, but I finally got my cubicle neighbor, sometime friend, and almost twin Brawley Avalon to write a guest post. What happened? We witnessed him work his magic on a cute girl at Five Guys. I so rarely see a pickup in action anymore (my life is all black tie parties and specious dinner clubs, where pickup lines are highly discouraged,) I begged him to share How It Works...

I don’t use pickup lines.

Is a great pickup line! Now you understand how pickup lines work.

What movie is this from? “Nobody puts Baby in a corner!”

Is another great pickup line! Showing a strong knowledge of pop culture early can give your Relationshipmobile great mileage. What other movie lines might he know! Is often what a woman is left thinking. Plus Patrick Swayze.

Knock knock!

Is another great pickup line. Girls are attracted to men who can make them laugh, unless they’re balding. Then forget it! Also, if your BMI is over 25. Then you’re best resigning yourself to another adage, which is that “laughter is the best medicine,” which is to say women see you as a balding, pudgy doctor with mild healing powers.

Is this yours?

Can be a great pickup line, unless you’re pointing to something currently in their possession.

Did you drop this?

Can be a great pickup line, unless it’s something of yours (in that instance, refer to “Is this yours?” above).


Is for horses.

Can I get your opinion on something?

Without waiting for a response, and followed immediately by a non-controversial query about anything but religion, politics, sports or her tanning lotion, can be a great pickup line. I recommend asking how she feels about anklets, or euthanasia.

Do you believe in spells?

Is a great pickup line, provided you can follow with Real Spells! The best spells use colored handkerchiefs, small animals that can cry out in pain, and quarters. For maximum effect, quote The Prestige to make her think of Hugh Jackman while looking at you. Another way to do this is to grow mutton chops.

Did you see the fight outside?

Is a great pickup line, unless there really was a fight involving you and her boyfriend and the blood streaming from both nostrils is yours.

Don’t you love Twilight?

Is a great pickup line for all ages. My sister left the last book out. I was curious! She left them all out, actually. I didn’t have a job for awhile. Best the second time through.

Brawley Avalon is the nom de plume of a guy searching for his other half (is it you?) in the Florence of the West, where he was once dumped by a girl because he wasn't enough like Edward.


i i eee said...

Re: Twilight, tell Brawley not to date girls under 21! ;)

My brother-in-law's little brother's wife left him because, "she wanted to find her Edward." But of course, she was still in high school, and he was a decade her senior so I think it was best for all involved. At least he got the dog.

Azúcar said...

Oh my stars. Having been witness to Brawley's dating life, I wish it had been girls under 21 who stated that opinion, but it wasn't.

sara said...

So funny. His writing reminds me of Christopher Clark's. You should have him guest post more often (I mean, if you want to) to help fill the Christopher Clark-esque void that has recently been left in the blogosphere.

rich said...

Lisha and I laughed a lot reading these last night. Lisha especially laughed on "what movie is this from? 'Nobody puts Baby in a corner?'"

Lisha did, B I had no idea what movie that was from.

Children of the Nineties said...

Haha, love the nobody puts baby in a corner line :)

And the "did you drop this?" reminds me of Catch Me if you Can.

Azúcar said...

Know which line would totally have worked on me?

No really, guess.

"Can I get your opinion on something?"

I know, SHOCKER.

Cafe Johnsonia said...

Know what line worked for me?

"Do you like museums."

We've been happily married for almost 7 years.

And now I know a line about roadsters would have worked, too.

Or anything having to do with chocolate chip cookies.

LB said...

You can give him my email. :D - L in COLORADOOOOOO.

lemony lucy said...

Yeah, none of those lines would work on me because I am an informed consumer. Both with men and with the world that is television. Since those are pretty much direct quotes from the show, that I found more funny the first time, I'd have to say this is the first time I haven't thoroughly enjoyed the Jet Set.
Sad, but true.
You'd like to see a pick-up artist? Well, just across the street from Five guys I picked up 6 guys. I then went to the movies with a totally different man, in front of them and two of them still got my number.

Stu the Inept Picker Upper said...

Since I'm completely socially inept, this post is like a godsend! Next time I'm at the Five Guys, I'm totally using the "Did you see the fight outside?" on the underaged hot chick behind the counter.

Azúcar said...

I thought his lines were funny because he followed them with funny statements, not because the lines are inherently useful.

So I laughed :)