Monday, May 04, 2009

Phoning It In

“Hey blog, how’s it going?”

“Oh, hey there.” muffled sounds in background

“What’s happening?”

“What? Oh, that, uh, nothing.”

“Did I just hear the Humpty Dance hook?”

“Just hanging out here with my peeps.”

“Blogs don’t have peeps; you’re just digital piles of data on a server somewhere.”

“Oh yeah? Then why do you keep personifying me?”

“Lazy story telling?”

“You said it. So why are you phoning it in to me today?”

“I just feel like I don’t really have anything really meaningful to say.”

“And this is different from normal how?”

“You know, you can be really mean.”

“I think this says more about you and your subconscious than it does my participation in this personification. I find your existential whining to be extremely uninteresting. ”

“Gah, that kind of arm-chair philosophy is why people find us pretentious. I went to Park City the other night for Tiffany’s birthday.”

“Heard of her. How is her existential crisis?”

“Must you have a comment for everything? Anyway, it was a magical night: French food, sparkling company, purple sky, bad DJ, white-knuckle drive home watching for deer, blah, blah, blah.”

“So you went to Park City even though they closed all the schools there because of the swine flu pandemic?”

“Yes. And I didn’t wear a mask and I made a firm promise to lick all the schoolchildren I ran across just to prove my contempt for H1N1.”


“That was a joke. About the school children.”

“A little over the line.”

“Whatever. Have you noticed that Chyler Leigh is pregnant on Grey’s Anatomy and they’re trying really hard to cover it up by placing her in front of things, or behind people, or blocking the camera in pretty funny ways?”

“No. I don’t watch Grey’s, so pedestrian. I use that time to catch up on my DVR’d episodes of Charlie Rose. Sometimes the Fareed Zakaria show.”

“You do not. Wait. Did you hear that?”

“Sounds like your husband.”

“Oh crap! Yeah, he just said in a very loud voice to Proximo that I’m not at home. That’s my cue to run to the foyer and kind of hide in the front closet.”

“Wait, what?”

“Look, Proximo is still attached to me, like, very attached. And sometimes he won’t go to bed and we have to pretend like I’m not at home so he’ll go to sleep. So daddy will walk him around the house looking in different rooms and exclaiming, ‘Look! No Mama!’ until Proximo is sufficiently satisfied that I’m not at his disposal, and then he’ll go to sleep.”

“Seriously? Isn’t that kind of mean? He’s only two.”

“I know, I have mixed feelings about it. Other Half says that one day Proximo’s going to realize that I’m actually in the house and he’ll never trust us again.”

“Well, I wouldn’t go that far.”

“Clearly, I agree.”

“So. This is a little awkward, a few of the others just showed up…”

“The others?”

“Yeah, some of the other blogs. El Paso Represents brought queso dip. Listen, I really have to go. It’s been nice, but maybe next time that you’re having blogger’s block you could try something else rather than resorting to phoning it in?”

“Duly noted.”


PheMom said...

Man, I wish all my conversations with my alter ego were that good. That was freaking hilarious! Thanks for the good giggle before I make myself go to bed.

Oh, and for good measure, this comment is being phoned in as well. ;)

Marianne & Clayton said...

Can I get the recipe for that queso dip? Oh- and those coconut tarts? So bloody good. If you can't tell, I haven't had breakfast yet.

Amy said...

Clever, clever.

Beeswax said...

Licking school children. That's funny.

ktb said...

you should have blogger's block more often - Pretty good (as Larry David would say it)

the MomBabe said...

I didn't notice that she was pregnant. Did you notice that Alyson Hannigan wasn't on How I Met Your Mother this week? I think she had her baby.

Azúcar said...

You didn't notice? Not even when they were making her eat all that junk food in order to explain why she may have put on a few pounds, but in reality she looks more lovely with a little more than before? No?

OK then, just me.

martha corinna said...

Jeez, this is good stuff.

The Humpty Dance part just made me wake up baby. Thanks.

Natalie said...

Can this be my new excuse? I don't really watch dancing with the stars -- it truly was my alter ego?

Er - I don't know, but I do have a serious contempt for H1N1, it made work totes crummy last week.

Azúcar said...

Well if one of you can't be a pop culture snob, then what is the world coming to?

Jyl @ MommyGossip said...

ROFL!!! I love your names. I started out with nicknames on my blog and then got lazy. Yours are amazing! Don't get lazy like me.

Missed you at Goldsmith BTW! I hope you had a fantastic birthday with lots of gourmet goodness!!!

See you tonight :).

Shawn said...

Nice conversation.

What brilliant brains you both have, you and your blog!

The Boob Nazi said...

I noticed the junk food thing on Grey's as well.... Oh and the hiding her thing too.

Jones-Keeping Up With Mom said...

THE HUMPTY DANCE!?!?!? Has your blog been hanging out with my blog?

Rae said...

I read "licking schoolchildren" and just about did one of those really ugly laughs that rise up out of nowhere and horrify those around me. Close call. Hilarious post. :)