jetsetgreen

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Dear Gentlemen in the Nissan with the Bullhorn,

Yes, you.

As much as I appreciated your request to remove my blouse, climb over the driver's seat, into the back seat, and press my mammary glands to the rear window, I had to decline. You see, although I was at the light, I knew it would change soon and I simply didn't have enough time to accomplish your request and still remain a courteous driver.

I wasn't exactly sure where the extremely loud voice originated as I pulled up to the light. I heard a massive voice snicker, "How was the Slipknot concert?" followed by an oblique reference to a male appendage. I assumed you meant to address the skinny, dejected kid with the black shirt and shoulder length hair that had recently walked past my car. There all four of you were, in your sad, late model Nissan, clad in primary colored polos and sporting slick hair, right behind my car. I heard another disparaging remark tossed at a grandfather in another car.

"HEY, are your windows down?" One of you wearing white aviator glasses boomed in my direction, followed by the request to doff my duds. It's no exaggeration to say that I was rapidly descending into an overwhelming fury.

I contemplated the situation: there was always a bird or two to flip. However, upon further review, I determined that extending that finger would simply please you. If it came to a battle of verbal acuity, you would lose. I may not appear to have mastered the vocabulary of a stevedore, but I worked in kitchens, and have an expansive library of barbed insults at my employ that would leave you gasping with fear and shock. But no, words were not enough. The light changed, we all advanced, and my plan was set.

You see, you harassed the wrong girl.

Don't worry, it happens sometimes.

You think you can toss out such remarks with impunity, and perhaps with any other girl you could. But you don't know me, and you don't know how I despise the kicking of the weak by bullies of any stripe, let alone the disgusting harassment of my gender. You see, I'm not 14 anymore. Nor am I 19. In fact, I'm at an age and of a mind that no one can tender such offensive nonsense in my presence or in my society.

And that is why I called the police.

And why I told them you were driving with the bullhorn out the driver's side window. And why I gave them your license plate, and yes, I did it while boxing you in to your lane. And as you turned into the gas station while informing another girl, this one younger and far more intimidated than I was, that she, too, should consider her clothing optional and her body public property, I told the dispatcher exactly where you were.

Can you imagine my sense of satisfaction to see that cruiser turn left into the parking lot? Probably not. It's probably beyond your ability to comprehend. I can't wait until you have to explain to your mother what happened, because your shame will be overwhelming. And if it's not, maybe you'll just think twice about casting stray comments in the direction of women, because we're not all nice, and we're not all doormats, and we won't all ignore your depraved ilk.

If I'm telling the total truth, it's not just about your callous lack of respect for my gender (which is abhorrent enough,) it's not just that you're yelling at elderly people, it's about that kid.

Oh, you remember, the skinny kid who looks like he doesn't have a friend in the world. Yeah, that kid, because that kid looks like he's been on the receiving end of your punches, your insults, and your jackhole-ness, and you know what? He doesn't deserve that. You're the disparaged male appendage because you use your popularity and social advantage as a cudgel, and I won't have it.

So suck on that, you popped-collar failures of hooligans, I can't wait to meet you at a light again.

72 comments:

Kalli Ko said...

Jack-hole, it just describes them so perfectly doesn't it...

and this is why I have my local police programmed into my phone, and also the highway patrol. Because I'm like that too.

Cafe Johnsonia said...

I must say this is one of your very best. Oh to have been there.

People need to learn not to mess with you. It never ends in their favor.

TheMoncurs said...

You have a standing ovation coming at you from AZ. Bravo!

Kayla

Mrs. Organic said...

It would've felt great to pull and snap their photos. Post it for posterity.

cyndie said...

Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU for calling the cops. I feel like too often people don't - and I really SO appreciate the people who step up and say that things like that are not ok.
Honestly, you are the type of person who makes the world more ok than it would be otherwise. And everybody owes you for that. Thank you.

Colleen said...

Nice work! And awesomely funny post.

acte gratuit said...

Halle-frickin-luia!!!

I'm not sure I spelled that right, but you get the drift.

GOOD GIRL!!!
---

So, I'm coming to Utah Valley in 11 days, and I need a fashion consultant. Wanna take me to the mall and help me buy something super hot (and really cheap) to wear to my mom's farewell? Do ya? huh?

(I'm planning to go to Spark and Rooster while I'm there...thanks to you and CJane.)

hannah said...

You are my hero.

Geo said...

Pedro offers you his protection.

Popped-collared failures of hooligans! You are an avenging angel, first class.

~j. said...

Heh heh...Gentlemen.

Miggy said...

What a great story. I'm beaming with pride.

Annie said...

Okay, I never comment & always lurk, but hoorah to you. {I'm a little disappointed the didn't get the high octane version of the kitchen vocabulary. Next time.}

Lauren said...

that is just awesome. thank you for sharing, and for speaking out!

mandy said...

Awesome.

soybeanlover said...

You're my new hero

Vanessa said...

I feel like this needs to be reinacted for cops or...reno 911 either way

vanessa from inevergrewup

Deb said...

You are a rock star. Way to go!

Mary said...

hilarious story!

I'm sorry but they deserved to have the cops called on them!

Jen said...

oh ya. let em have it!

lisa said...

Can you hear the applause from there? If not, listen harder, because it's deafening!

Jane of Seagull Fountain said...

Woo-hoo!! Go Carina!

Sean and Steph said...

Greatest thing ever :) You rock!!

the emily said...

The best thing about getting older is no longer being afraid to stand up to doofus's like that. Nice work.

brinestone said...

You are my hero. Next time I'm in a similar situation, I will think of you and stand up to the idiots too.

janaya said...

you go girl! i'm punching the air with my fists.

ktb said...

I really like this post.

topher clark said...

jeez, lady we were just having fun. RELAX!

La Yen said...

Suckas.

Marianne & Clayton said...

Happiness.

Has anyone seen the new MTV show called "Hot Chicks With Douchebags"? No? Just me? Noted.

db said...

I thank you from the bottom of my heart. If I ever need a body guard, I'll give you a call.

Adriel & Tierra Wakefield said...

Love it

AzĂșcar said...

DB- Didn't you used to say that you were terrified of me?

That's one of my fondest memories.

Capree said...

Are your services for hire? I could use a gal like you.

Stephanie said...

i worship. i worship at the shrine of carina.

DrJudd said...

Brava, AzĂșcar. Brava!

taradise said...

Initially I thought, I wish I could be asked more often to "doff my duds" so that I could be on the next Girls with Low Self Esteem videos.

Then I thought, My immaturity would hinder me in calling the cops as I would probably "Tawanda!" their car. So thank you for teaching me a lesson in womanly righteous indignation.

Barb @ getupandplay said...

HOORAY!! I'm so proud of you. What an appropriate response. I hope they learned a lesson.

Sue said...

SO. VERY. AWESOME.

I'm in awe.

April said...

Maybe I'm overly emotional these days, but your post brought tears to my eyes. So many people can't fight back; they don't have the self-assurance or the wit. And so that kind of abuse continues without repercussion.

Sure, your post has its humor, but the /rightness/ of you calling the police and forcing those creeps to face the consequences of their horrendous actions is what makes this story worth telling.

BrettM said...

Amelia called the cops on some really inappropriate and aggressive panhandlers the other day and I was proud.

I so enjoy brave ladies. AWE. SOME.

And yes the Slipknot concert was great.

Sarah said...

Bravo! Bravo! Oh I love it. I hope that now I remember this instead of feeling slimy by the comments made.

undefined said...

I wish I could express how utterly and completely pleased I am by this. Just. So. Satisfied.

Lucky ♥ Holly said...

I can't stand a jumped up bully.

Love you more today than yesterday.

Rebecca said...

I saw your tweet about this and was dying to know the details. I'm so glad you did what you did. And then shared it here, so more people will do the same.

The Rookie said...

This would be me giving you a standing ovation. Nicely played.

Fig said...

Ba-dum-bum-CHHHH

DB wasn't the only one terrified of you ... I was too.

Now I just love you.

Carry on.

Kaerlig said...

As I read this I was saying yes! Yes! YES! YES! YES!

So cool that you called the police. Love it.

Rhonda said...

Oh my gawd. I just about fell out of my chair from laughing so hard!! That is priceless. Good for you. SO many people now a days just amaze me at how stupid they can be!!

Jen, RN said...

Kudos to you! I love it! And after finishing 'NINETEEN MINUTES' this morning (hence I have yet to dress for the day) I applaud your efforts to stand up for the kid who doesn't have it in him to stand up for himself.....

Marge Bjork said...

thank you. you will be my hero forever and ever and ever.

Rynell said...

I'm so proud of you.

Shawn said...

A-ss-holes. Whoops, did I write that out loud?

Yeah for you---you rock!

fijiangirl said...

You are awesome! I would have loved to see their faces when the popo arrived!

EatMeat said...

I wrote and deleted about three different things in this comment box. Basically because no words can properly convey how enraged I am at those pastel hooligans, and how simultaneously awestruck you leave me. Thank you.

The Parks said...

Okay, I just about fell out of my chair when I read Topher's comment!

Sister Pottymouth said...

Yet another reason why I would vote for you to be President.

Leanys said...

Great post! I love it, this has to feel much better than giving the finger.

KLS said...

"And that is why I called the police."

Good for you.
I would have been disgusted as well.

girlsmama said...

You rock my world. Thanks. And the skinny kid thanks you too.

Mimi said...

Here Here!!! Your response showed a rising to the occassion that I only hope to impart on my own children when they see a wrong-doing!

JMadd said...

I'm glad to know that there are people out in the world who don't let stinkin' popped-collared jackholes get away with crap. Thanks for calling the police. I would have given them the 1 fingered salute, but your way was much better.

Ashley and Caleb said...

When my sister was in elementary school she got together all the skinny picked-on girls that this older boy tortured and they beat him up. (Not bad, just to get the point across.) I think you two would be friends. Thanks for standing up for the skinny kid. I think it's funny that morons with slicked hair and pastel popped-collar shirts think they're bad a's...? What the what?

p.s. You have inspired me to program the local police station and highway patrol into my phone.

Amy said...

RIGHT ON SISTER!!! You have just made my day. In fact, I think I might print this post out so I can show it to my kids when they turn teens. My girls, so they can stand up for themselves like you, and my son, to give him another example on how not to be a pig.
Now, if only, IF ONLY I could be in the room when their parents found out.

Mak said...

Woo Hoo- Go you! (insert standing ovation here)

Andrea said...

I never know what to do in such instances but burn with rage. I always wonder, "Is it cop-calling worthy?" and always answer, "Naw," but no more! Although I'm pretty sure one good look at me, disrobed, would have been punishment enough for any teenage boy. Maybe I could get a job on the force.

makeitworkmom said...

I vote you for President!

Well done! (and very well written!)

marshall p said...

I am so effing glad that I know you.

Erinello said...

You rock.

Tonight I was line dancing at a bar in Indiana. There was a Goth kid there looking very out of place. A band member singled him out, and I thought "Oh no, I can't handle it if they tease him." But the band member welcomed him, gave him a free tee shirt, and said he was glad he was there and to get his redneck on. Everyone cheered, and I thought of your post. I hope the skinny kid gets to feel included like that to balance out the pastel-wearing jerks.

Ashley Thalman said...

Towanda!!!!!

Petit Elefant said...

And this, this is why I love you.

Jenn said...

I feel empowered just reading this.

LAM said...

Adopt me?