jetsetgreen

Thursday, July 16, 2009

I've Been Rough On You

Dear Friends,

May I call you that?

Well, I'm going to call you that anyway (fully aware that a significant number of you may actually be my mortal enemies.)

I was ruminating on our collective friendship the other night when it dawned on me that it's hard being my friend. On you, I mean.

First of all, if I love you, I'll call you on the phone. You may rest assured that the more I love you, the more inappropriate the hour it will be when I call. 10pm? I don't even apologize (see: Love Story.) 11pm? I am smitten with you. 1:45am? We must be related or you are Tiffany. 3:15am? Your name is at the top of the list to take my kids in case of an unfortunate event. 7:00am? You are a friend I adore with small children.

I bet you think I look up eight dollar words just for my blog, I don't. I really do speak this way (only with far more hand gestures and rolling of eyes.) I'm thinking of handing out dictionaries for Christmas and the High Holidays this year. Requests have been made. It's both annoying, and I like to think endearing, to be my friend and have to reference Webster for even menial conversations. I should have an app developed.

I'm a difficult mother, too. El Guille has his heart set on acquiring a dreamcatcher. He is under the impression, guided by my cousin E, that a dreamcatcher would relieve him of nightmares. We are not Ojibwe, not even a little bit (nor am I On My Way*.) I associate dreamcatchers with our cultural tradition of taking only pieces of other people's actual cultures, stripping them down to simplified, meaningless artifacts, and then mass marketing those hollow symbols to the rubes fooled into thinking they are participating in an ancient tradition. Wrong. I tried to explain this all to E.G., but he appeared unconvinced and slightly bored. So I signed him up for The Weekly Worker. I hope to start his lessons on the patriarchy by Tuesday.

I invite you, gentle reader and put-upon friend, to inform me how have I aggrieved you with my love.

Was it with my refusal to eat Cakesters? That I turned up my nose at your 100 Calorie Snack Pack? When I sniffed that you ought to consider a more deliberate hair care routine? How I lovingly suggested that you remove that apostrophe in "it's" to turn it into the possessive which you so obviously intended?

Do tell. I'll even submit it straight to the Jet Set Desk** for immediate perusal.












*Obscure pop culture references are common hazards.
**Now an actual location.

36 comments:

{natalie} said...

did you stop shopping at the big C? I haven't seen you in weeks.

ClistyB said...

I've logged more time on Dictionary.com since reading your blog. I try not to feel PWT when I have to look up yet another word. I'm wondering if you could do the same thing LDS.org/planalesson does - so I can just click on the foreign word and be schooled in it?

Colleen said...

Sorry, but I adore people with a decent vocabulary. And thanks to you, I was able to enjoy filet mignon at Spark last week with my cute husband some fun friends. You'll get no word of censure from this friend.

Colleen said...

...(&) some fun friends...

Jiff said...

lol. My husband uses $10 words all the time. I am educated enough to "dumb it back down" for those around us, or put it in layman's terms. :) But sometimes he does get me confused. I feel like my husband writes your blog at times. LOL.

You make me laugh.

Annette Lyon said...

Eight dollar words? Bring em on, baby! I had a childhood friend who, when we were teens admitted she didn't like playing with me because she didn't understand me half the time.

Apparently, I READ BOOKS, and she didn't. I think I used three dollar words or something.

ClistyB said...

Little note here....there's implied humor in my comment, just in case... ugh. nevermind.

Melanie J said...

I imagine this is how Rory Gilmore's blog would sound if she were all growed up and married. Except for minus all cooking.

A Few Tacos Shy... said...

How to get rid of nightmares: send him to bed with an empty squirt gun. It has special lasers for killing the bad guys in dreams. Bonus: it's a very American solution ;-)

-Alta

Miggy said...

Well if we're talking grievances with Azucar {you} I once remember you telling me you had this really awesome new music for me that you were OBSESSED with.... it was Sean Paul. Uhhhhh thanks, but no thanks.

Other than that I feel that our real-life and mostly cyber friendship has not been marred by your apparently {had to spell check that one} difficult personality. You're so good to us.

Marianne & Clayton said...

"Well I would like to, reach out my hands..."

See! I love the big words and obscure references. It makes me feel like a smarty pants when I get them. And then it's like a contest to see who can comment about it first. "Da**. La Yen made it first again? Curses!"

So you are kind of doing us a service.

Also- you should ask Clayton what Demetri Martin says about dream catchers.

sarah k. said...

I'm still recovering from my shock that you didn't ridicule me for showing up in "slow-slops" last week. I say, that was pretty good "pretending not to notice" going on. I was even ready with the house-shoes response. But you must admit, there's nothing more appropriate for the Terrestrial room. At least I came prepared.

*wallowing in self-pity that I've never been phoned at 3:30am.*

*soooo kidding.*

*p.s., please don't ever call at 3:30am. Unless you're dying.

*and/or coming to visit

Tamsin said...

Well, there was that one time you got all uppity about the French immersion program.

But then there was that other time where you stood up for Obama, or the time you spoke out against guns in the home and that made it all good.

Also, while we're on the subject of grammar: d'ya think you could maybe point out that "dining room" and "dining table" are spelled with a limited amount of ens?

Michelle said...

um, I've never noticed that you use $8 words, but I'm kind of a wordy girl myself. The obscure pop-culture references? Oh yeah, I've been bemused by those many a time. But it's good to be humbled, right?

Marge Bjork said...

HA!

Leslie said...

I'm new here and just reading through these comments. You stood up for Obama? And you don't think there should be guns in homes? Thumbs down! But there was the time that you stood up for cjane, which makes me able to stick around a bit longer and just hope that we can agree to disagree.

Azúcar said...

No, no Leslie, the conversation was about how to approach neighbors to ask them about IF they have guns in their home and HOW they are secured.

Hey, I live in the West, people own guns, fact of life. I just asked my readers what is the nicest way to ask if my kids will be in any danger of finding a loaded gun lying around (w/o giving the impression that I'm being judgemental, which I wouldn't be.)

But yes, I heart Obama, can't be more clear about that (and that post cost me 20% of my readers, so I had better -really- like him to bring that up again.)

amelia said...

When you blasted the flip-flop. But I still love you and your $8 words.

Cafe Johnsonia said...

(I'd stop reading if you didn't love Obama.)

b. said...

If I thought that for one minute you wouldn't be my friend because I didn't love the same fashion you do, or shoes, or because we have guns in our house, or because hellifiknow what you're talking about half the time, or because I ain't good at grammar, or because I sometimes have a SpanFo accent...then we would have a problem. But, oddly enough, I feel secure in our friendship. And plus, you crack me up all the time!

sara said...

I don't know if you're being facetious in your question or if you have honestly lost readership or what, but I for one have never left and find you profoundly clever and entertaining, notwithstanding my strong anti-Obama tendencies. And I love that you sprinkle in fancy food references/recommendations/pictures from time to time too.

Tiffany UnTwisted said...

remember the time i texted you at 4:10am to see if you were awake first??

dalene said...

You know how I love those eight-dollar words.

But I do have a funny story (I was not aggrieved, I was amused).

Remember last year when we bumped into each other at the art market? It was early on a Saturday morning and you were, as usual dressed to the nines. I hadn't had a shower yet (I was on my way home from the local nursery and I had some serious gardening yet to do). No make-up. Sweats. (And if it weren't for my Birkenstocks I surely could have been wearing crocs.)

We visited briefly. Normally I am not apologetic for casual wear--especially on a Saturday morning. But it was you. The art market. And I did apologize.

Awhile later I was recounted the incident to C Jane. I told her I was ashamed. We laughed. Later in the conversation she asked me if I had gone to your most recent birthday party (which had been held after our chance encounter at the art market). I told her I wasn't invited and then said, "I knew the seats were a mistake. Big mistake."

We laughed again.

Just so you know. I haven't worn sweats to the art market since.

And I had a great time at your rock star party this year.

the emily said...

it was the flip flops. i just can't get over the insults about my precious flip flops.

:)

sorry, i hate smilies, i just don't know how to convey sarcasm in a comment since you don't know me.

La Yen said...

I like that there is only one of you. That is my favorite. Besides smiling.

Sister Pottymouth said...

I love your vocabulary. I love that I know what you're saying, too, except for some of the pop culture references, because I suck at pop culture. And my favorite thing about you is that you often have a refreshingly different point of view from mine. You make me think in new directions.

Ashley and Caleb said...

Bubbidity-say-bubbity-young. What DOES he say there? I guess I'm at my computer and could look it up, but what fun would that be?

Also, I just wanted to let you know that I found your blog through cjane and have loved it- expansive vocabulary especially. I agree with sara about your food posts. Love them.

I do have to say that reading your blog makes me feel insecure about my wardrobe... haha.

Rookie Cookie said...

Cafe loves her some Obama. That fact makes her almost want to move out of Utah. Almost. She says she wants to rename her redhead Barack.

I appreciate high dollar words. My sister Megan collects them like people collect baseball cards.

Now I am self-conscious of my apostrophes. I think I am in check. I don't know. Now I am going to go through my posts again. You might have just ruined my day. Now my kids aren't going to get lunch because I will be going through my dumb blog. My kids will take naps hungry because of you.

And what the hell? I don't get any phone calls, period.

granny said...

Uh, you misspelled judgmental in your comment.

granny said...

Just had to mention it with all of this talk of dictionaries!

Fig said...

May I be honest, dear Azúcar? It's that you have defied all logic by misspelling "extravagant" on your sidebar.

Then again, you've always had my back politically and breastfeedingly; therefore you could misspell every other word on this website and I'd still read you faithfully, my complete blog embargo notwithstanding.

Azúcar said...

Fig, Granny, that is exactly my point.

Shawn said...

Love your amazing verbage----and I definitely know that I am not your best friend, cause I have never gotten a call from you at 3:00 a.m....or ever for that matter.

Azúcar said...

Oh, and Miggy, I absolutely CAN'T STAND Sean Paul anymore. I have to change the station immediately. You were right, I was wrong.

adorned with life said...

"I should have an app developed." I just adopted that line. Funny.

Now I know why your name sounds familiar: Megan Romo.

-Natasha, whose OpenId is not working. Thanks for not having the anon option. Not. ;-p

Azúcar said...

Yeah, I might turn it back on at some point, but I've had no patience lately with people leaving rude anonymous comments.

Go ahead, be rude, just put your name on the statement; it's the cowardice, not the comment.