Thursday, August 06, 2009

A Humble Nomination

Abdul Rejected 30% Raise, Will be Replaced

NEW YORK - Fox nearly slammed the door on Paula Abdul’s return to “American Idol” — but not quite. “We made an offer we feel is very fair to Paula” that included a substantial raise, Fox Entertainment Chairman Peter Rice told the Television Critics Association on Wednesday.
But Abdul decided against returning for the hit singing contest’s ninth season, he said...
The offer is for a multiyear, eight-figure deal that represents a 30 percent increase for Abdul, according to a person familiar with the talks. The person, who was not authorized to speak publicly, asked not to be identified.
Rice said the network is saddened by Abdul’s decision but looks forward to finding a permanent replacement for her who could bring a new dynamic to the show.

Dear Fox/Executive Producer Simon Fuller,

I will seal clap for you for less than eight figures.

I'd seal clap for seven, even the high sixes.

In fact, I'd like to nominate myself to fill that judge on the American Idol panel. Here are my qualifications:

1. My friend Jennie gave me Paula Abdul's Forever Your Girl in the 7th grade. I wore that tape out.

2. Although I have not appeared with an animated cat in any type of video, I have watched all the Keyboard Cats and feel that my cinematic feline experience is higher than the average person's cinematic feline experience. You should look into having Keyboard Cat play rejected people off (you can take that idea and run with it. You're welcome.)

3. I will wear whatever nut-bag outfit you want. I'd even wear flip flops.

4. I get out of my chair and dance frequently. "Dance like no one is watching thing"? No, thanks! I always know people are watching and I'm OK with that. I can also raise one hand in the air as I dance to give the vague effect of raising the roof or acting like I just don't care.

5. I don't have choreographic experience, but I bet Mia Michaels would give me lessons (I hope she doesn't cut me.)

6. I am usually relatively coherent, but I can pretend not to be. I might have to subside on less sleep than I get now (difficult, but not impossible.)

7. While I'm not usually an understanding person when it comes to poor musical performances, I can tone down the honesty and tune up the blind and unreasonable encouragement.

In return,

1. I'm not sure what you're used to putting in that giant Coke cup on the judges' table, but I'd request actual Coca-Cola, not cocaine, and preferably Diet Coke. This also gives you a chance to return those 14 cases of Robitussin!

2. I could ask my friend Courtney to come sing. Trust me, you want that to happen.

3. I promise not to do a reality show for Bravo (but if Rachel Zoe calls and asks me to be on her show I would DIE and say YES, because that would be BANANAS.)

4. I would make it a priority to tease Simon in a way that he would find frustrating and yet ratchet up that English charm. I'd also boo him, if you wanted. Or I could, for a turn, actually listen to him and agree since he's usually right.

5. I would never, not ever, critique a performance that had not happened yet, unless that's what you wanted, in which case, DONE.

6. You've heard of Twitter? I'd totes live tweet my judging panel because I know that everyone loves a live tweet. Plus, extra publicity for you on the hot social network Twitter (it has to be hot, Oprah uses it!)

7. I'd like to keep my Google phone instead of having to use AT&T. I broke up with AT&T a couple of years ago, it was kind of messy, but I'm open to negotiating this point.

Call me!



Steph said...

You have competition. I will do it for 6 figures. ;-P

Chief said...

You know what? I think you are a shoe in. I look forward to seeing you in action come January!

P.S. The only thing you left out is the fact that you need to be into "mentoring" the younger male contestants on the weekends!

GrittyPretty said...

Hahahaha! Oh I wish this would come true! from your mouth to simon cowell's ear? that would be high entertainment indeed.

marshall p said...

I might actually watch that show if you were a judge. OMG. it's giving me an entertainment jonas.

Anonymous said...

Azucar for AI judge!!

I'd totally start watching for that reason alone.

Annette Lyon said...

I totally second that nomination, for the lack of seal claps alone, aside from the fact that you actually would rock as a judge. I'm smiling at the image right now.

Marianne & Clayton said...


Sue said...

You LIE - you would never wear flip-flops.

(Also - geez, how freaking greedy can Paula Abdul be?) (Let's pray that Randy comes down with a big, bad case of the greedies next season - it would be good to hear something from a judge other than, "I wasn't feeling it dawg.")

Shawn said...

Uh, oh----they are considering me---your direct competition.

Seriously---I am a pseudo star in my own right and I have a heck of a rack right now---and I'm blonde---so I don't have to apologize for saying stupid things!!

dalene said...

how much would they have to pay you to wear crocs?

crocs or no, i'd pay big bucks to see you seal clap, by the way. and i don't even watch ai.


Likely said...

Straight up now tell them!

I actually really think you would be good. (I am sure you do too or else this idea wouldn't have popped into your head.)

Forever your girl,

The Rookie said...

There went Paula Abdul's career. She was pretty much dead in the water before AI and now she's giving up how many figures? Further evidence of her stupidity.

Her loss. Your gain.

b. said...

There's a big ol' AT&T ad banner on your sidebar right now.

How could they resist you after that performance...EXCELLENT POST!

(I heard she is being considered for SYTYCD)

Azúcar said...

Thanks b, I guess I've sold out already! Phew! I wondered how that would go down.

fijiangirl said...

You got my vote! Especially to see you in flip flops!

Melanie J said...

See, and they'd have to pay me NOT to wear flip flops.

Kidding. I have a few dozen pairs of shoes I used to wear back in the pre-domestic engineer days that I could bust out for a judging gig.

Except AI has damned me to the permanent inclusion of "pitchy" in my vocabulary and I don't know if I'm capable of offering any other critique now.

Fig said...

I'll pay you six figures to throw down with Dio La Guardia or whatever her name is. She bugs.

Vanessa said...

flip flops?!

sell out


Azúcar said...

Haven't you heard? I bought a house! You better believe I'd sell out.

Rynell said...

You'd be awesome. Freaking awesome. And coherent.

Anne-Marie said...

I'm not sure what the lure was with the patronizing slurfest, but I loved the hot mess. I'll even...gulp... miss her for an episode or two.

Seriously though! 8 figures and she walks...if the buzz is true she is more looney than I previously thought! AI revived her career. Crazy.

Laura said...

I'd hire you!