Wednesday, August 26, 2009


Yesterday, I was extremely annoyed because my phone kept losing network connectivity. I had to turn it off and on several times while driving in the car to try to get the phone to work. I finally ripped off the cover, took out the battery for a hard reboot, and then started laughing: I had a flashback to the early 80s when the idea of a car phone, a phone actually plugged into your car, was a thing of unimaginable wealth. I could never have imagined a future like the one I'm living.

1. Network connectivity on a phone.
I mean, WHAT? Can you recreate a scene where you tell yourself at the age of 13 what network connectivity is? Or that you will know how to solve it? Or that you will have to be solving it because you have a tiny cellular phone that you not only use in your car but could use anywhere you like should it actually connect to a network?

2. You'll know stuff about computers.
No really, self, you'll know things about computers that are completely unrelated to playing Frogger. Hardware, software, ports, RAM, you'll know the difference. In fact, you'll have three or four computers in your house at all times, some you can even walk around with and use at the same time. Your house will have zero disks, floppy or otherwise. You'll LIKE the computer.

3. Forget the mini TV dream.
I used to dream about a mini TV, especially those tiny, 2" screen TV watches. I remember looking at one in the Best Catalog and plotting how I could save up the impossible sum of $200 for my very own TV watch. Just think of the three channels I could watch at any time! The idea that I would be able to watch a TV show on my phone? Couldn't have conceived of it. Speaking of TV...

4. Pause live TV. Rewind live TV. Record a show while you're watching. You'll never miss a show and voluntarily toss your VCR.

5. Mix Tapes no longer exist in their pure form
You could make a mix tape for a friend without hours and hours of work and getting mad at the DJ who talks over the first part of the song setting you up for a dilemma worthy of Socrates' school: do you keep the imperfect track of Iko Iko, or hope that if you sit next to the radio long enough the DJ will play it again but this time without talking over the last 15 seconds? That entire set of problems is entirely erased.

6. You'll never want to go to a show of ______ on Ice, not ever.

7. Repetitive negotiations on bathroom behavior.
There will be a logical conversations with another human being about why he has to rip the toilet paper OFF of the roll before he uses it on his bum. Your entreaties will be summarily ignored.

8. That day planner you swear by? Useless.

9. You'll honestly not care what the head cheerleader thinks of you.
Really, about the popular girls, you won't care one bit. You'll hope they've had a nice life. If you ever see them again, you'll see that they're just people, and people whose opinions you'll value the same as everyone else's (maybe just a little less.)

10. Your mom? You kind of like her.
You have actual adult conversations. You voluntarily live only two blocks away and the world has not ended.

But hey, somethings don't change, like X96 is still playing the same songs on rotation as they were in 1992. I only heard Nirvana 17 times today on the station, maybe we could mix it up by throwing in some Chili Peppers? Soundgarden? Oh, good.


Amy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Amy said...

My clock says 9:02, yet this post is labeled 9:18. It IS from the future!

Chief said...

As I read this, I am thinking...what about finding new friends you may never meet but know almost better than you know most of the friends you've "hung out" with for years? All due to a computer that you place on your lap and "talk" to people all over the world

Lara said...

I suppose I'm completely stuck in the past, because I still actively use my day planner and am lost without it.

And I only have one computer.

But I really like my mom.

{natalie} said...

I was just talking about the mix tape today at work and mix cd just doesn't sound so cool. i'm still calling it a mix tape. which by the way, i'm still rocking out to yours.

ps i didn't know your son was going to K this year. sweet.

pps one month until the KILLERS

taradise said...

Also, SKYPE.

Me, age 13: I will have to write letters to my parents just to let them know I'm alive when I go live in another country. And they won't even know that for like, two weeks.

Me, now: I can SEE them as soon as I arrive, on a screen.

~j. said...

"Hey, did you hear the Olsen twins are worth $150 million, EACH?"

"Yeah -- I wrote about it. On my BLOG."

(ps - as their voluntary and not actually affiliated rep, 90s at noon might not be the best time to listen. then again, it just might.)

AzĂșcar said...

90s at Noon? Sure, to be expected, even anticipated. Every time I changed the channel to them in the past 24 hours? Exasperating. More exasperating? They went with Not Lithium every time.

Dear Past, the Future called, and you're still driving the same car, with only 6 pre-set stations, and a cassette deck.

Rynell said...

I remember listening to someone explain email to another person and the guy on the receiving end what all "why would I want to do that?"


Jen, RN said...

All of this is so true! How about remembering MTV when they still played videos-or actual tv shows, not this reality tv stuff that I get sucked into incessantly-and ipods?? I remember when I saw my first cd player ever and thought that was cool!

the emily said...

hi-larious. really.

Anonymous said...

this is absolutely fantastic!

Queen Scarlett said...

Are you wearing a space collar around your neck, using a flashlight on your face and is La Bamba singing for you? ;-)

Also... it is hard being on vacation in a hotel and not having DVR... for my kids and for me...that's roughing it. har

La Yen said...

I have been walking around saying "From the FUUUUUUTURE" in a ghosty voice. It is pretty awesome. Nay, VERY awesome.

Penney said...

I remember the day we got a computer FOR OUR HOUSE. Crazy. It had an orange screen and the only thing on it was a cursor. I can't even imagine going back and using that, and I'm sure I certainly couldn't have imagined the way things are now!!

b. said...

I love this so true.

This is me said...

Can you imagine what the future holds for our kids? Our kids who ask me to pause cartoons so they can go to the bathroom? Or my three year old son who can (all by himself) start with a turned off computer and be on the Nick Jr website, playing games within a minute or two? Or my kids who are so annoyed when they get into someone else's car who doesn't have automatic sliding doors?

I can't even imagine what's in store for them.

undefined said...

Oh, man, this post brings back memories. Especially of that pesky DJ on B104 who would never just SHUT. UP.

Also, I think it's even worse for our parents. We gave my mom a webcam, and every time we Skype she tells me how amazing it is and that it's a miracle. Yes, folks, a miracle. I wonder who should be nominated for sainthood for that one?

wendysue said...

We had this conversation with our kids the other day. . .taking hours to explain all the technology that we NEVER had when I was their age.

We did have a sweet Apple IIe computer. Huge floppy discs, frogger and dig dug. Then I tried to explain the dot matrix printer. YES! I think even into college I had that. . .you remember then little side perforation pieces, I remember making tons of banners on that printer since the pages were all connected.

I remember when Matt accidently turned in a paper for class and had forgotten to separate the pages, he had only ripped off the sides, so he had a big accordian of paper stapled together.

They looked at us like it was just crazy talk!!

Oh, and the best. . .when we actually had to just SIT and WAIT if our parents were late coming to pick us up from somewhere. No way to call them, no cell phones, just park it and WAIT. What a concept.

Leslie Jam said...

Love this post-perfect way to start a Friday! Thank you!

Shawn said...

I still remember how I felt when I heard about TIVO----I was "what?"

Get me that thing!!!

Suzie Petunia said...

I would have at least included a few sets of winning lottery numbers in that list! :)

Erin said...

The "Best Catalog" THERE is a flashback for you.

Petit Elefant said...

Crap, you get 23 comments when you write about your cell phone?! I'm totally doing something wrong.

That's not to say you have totally excellent writing skills.

Emilie and Branden said...

Check it:

AzĂșcar said...

Thanks Emilie, Tyler sent me the house about a week ago, you'll see it on an MCM UT post soon. It's cool, isn't it?

Raychill said...

I still morn the death of the mixed tape.