jetsetgreen

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Take a Trip with Me

When they told me that I needed a root canal I got so excited--I love Venice!

I now know there are other kinds of canals, and that sometimes you have to have your roots canal-ed again.

"I wonder if I get to make up funny excuses for why my face is covered in bruises tomorrow, like domestic violence jokes. People get so testy when you joke about spouse abuse; it's not like they don't deserve it!" I thought while I was laying in the dentist's chair having him hold the side of my face with an iron hand and file away on the other side's molar nerves.

The amusing thing about having someone holding your jaw open by force is that you still feel like they're ripping your jaw open by force even hours later. It's like after playing Tetris where all you have to do is close your eyes and you see the blocks falling. Yes, just like that, only with excruciating agony and no Russian folk music. I was sitting down, trying to distract my brain from my mouth's evil carnival of lies, and watching some evening TV when I felt liquid on my neck and chest. Something was dripping on me. And then I realized it was my own drool.

I am the hotness.

A word about pain killers: I've never really used heavy-duty pain killers before, they always made me sick, dizzy, or loopy and I disliked those feelings. It turns out that I'd just never had enough pain to make the pills worth it. I sure hope I don't turn to a life of petty crime and thievery to support my four-day-old habit. Embarrassing!

Also embarrassing: this post took several hours to write because I had to concentrate so thoroughly through the pain halo. I think I have a new found respect for all those writers who can produce work while under the influence, hey, wouldn't it be funny if I applied every single label I have on file to this one post? That would be super funny.

18 comments:

dalene said...

what? they still haven't fixed it? (i mean, again. the second time?) i'm so sorry. and outraged. what can i do?

FoxyJ said...

The only time I took Lortab was after I had my first c-section. In the hospital they just gave me extra-strength ibuprofen, but when I came home they gave me a prescription for Lortab. In the middle of the night after feeding the baby I took some and went back to sleep. When I woke up 7 hours later I couldn't believe my baby had slept that long. It was awesome! Until my husband told me that I had fed the baby, changed her, put her back in her crib, and talked to him about it. Holy crap that freaked me out. So no more heavy-duty pain meds for me.

AzĂșcar said...

I did try to add ALL of my labels to this post because I thought it would be funny to play around with the format like that, but it turns out that you can't add more than 200 characters.

AzĂșcar said...

Dalene, I hope they fixed it this time. I hope that I'm only in pain because they plunged and wrenched my jaw yesterday.

MissMel said...

I was on pain killers when I kissed an Italian man in a gondola in Venice...so I understand EXACTLY where you are coming from....
in comradarie,
Melonie

Jalene said...

This was awesome. Made me laugh so hard. I played Tetris once for hours and totally saw blocks falling endlessly. It made me feel insane. No bueno.

Caitlin said...

HIlarious. I needed that laugh today. Feel better soon!

Chief said...

Seriously! This is funny but so ridiculous at the same time!

I am sorry for your face

Steph said...

I went through about 5 weeks of root canal hell back in April/May. Then in the middle got knee surgery. I don't remember much from mid-April to mid-June. I apologize if I flashed anyone or kicked their kitten. I heard Percocet can make people do things like that.

Kacy said...

Please call my dentist, Dr. Vogel, at 374-8244. Then call me the next time you are high so I can mess with you.

Marianne & Clayton said...

I really like stoned Carina.

Lois said...

Jokes about domestic abuse? I must admit that I saw a VERY old stand-up comedy act by B.J. Novak (of "The Office" fame) and he told this joke:

Battered women -- sounds delicious, but it's still wrong.

Fine Twined said...

Oh this just can't be funny to me.

My second root canal was done in Provo. I've never felt pain like that before or since (not even lengthy natural child labour). I'm so sorry for you!

Melanie J said...

I'm getting a root canal tomorrow so thanks for this post. Oh, and I'm pregnant so I can't even take any friggin' pain medicine. Except Tylenol. Snort.

camillion said...

Under the influence. Awesome.

Brooke said...

you so funny.

Shawn said...

I've had about 8 root canals----I think that it has affected my brain....

Penney said...

The only time I had oral surgery, I told my mother all about my sexual escapades while under "the influence." Won't happen again. I'd rather bear the pain!!