jetsetgreen

Friday, September 04, 2009

True Blood and Vegetables

I was sitting on the couch watching True Blood when I inexplicably decided to go check to see if the garage door was closed.
It was an act of sheer willpower as I am a scaredy cat and once I settle into watching something even vaguely scary I don't want to move, not ever, not even for essential bodily functions, nor to check the security of my home.

But I just felt like it.

So up I went, switched on the garage light to check, and I SAW SOMETHING on the edge of the blackness;

it was small, white, running,

looked like a child with no clothes,

nearly made me drop dead from fear.

And then I recognized the urchin.

"EL GUILLE, " I yelled, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"

He crept into the light, I noticed with relief that it was only his light yellow PJs and not a complete doffing of duds on his part. He went into excuse mode, "I was just..."

"You were just NOTHING, get inside the house!"

9:30 at night, people! 9:30 in the black night!

(With possible shape-shifters, vampires, maenads, telepaths, and unseen werewolfs just out of our peripheral vision! I am going to need to keep a defibrillator on hand to keep me alive!)

I now know why my friend has a "Name-of-Child" lock on her door that is bolted to the top of the door frame; I too, have a smart child that no four walls can contain. My child has become an expert at getting into and out of our house, it might as well be a sieve. He has the impunity to walk around at any hour of the day or night like he owns the place--which he does not, he is not on the title, and that's final.

He's refusing the healthy food we cook him, and then sneaking out of his room to filch food he'd rather eat: chips, ice cream, cookies, and Nutella. He hides them under his bed, under the pillow, under the couch, and behind the entertainment center. We've had to get rid of any snacks or sweets in the house. I'm OK with that, but when the child resorts to spoon fulls of blackberry jam and upturned jars of honey squeezed into his mouth like he's a linebacker with Gatorade? Guys, what do I do? Is it time for a padlock? Like on the whole house?

I want to chalk it all up to the move, and to starting kindergarten. Right? That's what it is and not a character flaw as a result of bad parenting (you know, the kind of parenting that insists you eat your vegetables?)

30 comments:

sue-donym said...

I blame Lowe's.

Queen Scarlett said...

It's because you're raising a genius... that's all. ;-) They are much harder to handle than drones.

Chief said...

My son was an escape artist as well. When we locked him in, he just attempted to remove the door hinges. I thought I would lose my mind before he turned 10. He is 13 now and much more manageable! There is hope my friend!

Jenny said...

I am having issues with my 5 year old. I think it's more the age/personality in our case.

BUT. I am so glad you found your kid because the other day there was a nonverbal TODDLER walking around the parking lot of my apt complex in his jammies and a poopy diaper. We ended up calling the cops because no one was coming to retrieve him and it had been like 45 minutes. They had to go door to door to find the Dad that was supposed to be watching him.

Kids are boogers.

b. said...

He might have prader willi.
Also, isn't there some nursery rhyme about a kid that runs through the town, upstairs, downstairs, nightgown...afterhours?

AzĂșcar said...

YES.

Fig said...

I have done that before, with the honey.

... But what was he DOING in the garage? Just checking things out? I mean, it's not like it's a fun place to hang.

undefined said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
undefined said...

Oh, that's a good one. He reminds me of my nephew, who once went into the house "for a drink" while everyone else was in the backyard ... and then he locked the back door so no one could get in, unlocked the front door, and ran off down the sidewalk, stripping off every stitch of his clothing as he went and laughing maniacally the entire time, of course. And there was a 6-ft wooden fence around the backyard my brother finally had to jump so he could chase the little bugger down. He was 4, I think. We called him Calvin.

AzĂșcar said...

No, he wasn't in the garage.

He was outside, running around the house. I caught him because the garage light I switched on illuminated just close enough to his track. It FREAKED the CRAP out of me.

hannah said...

oh my heavens. what a character! let us know if you find any solutions. i have an escape artist on my hands as well...and i don't know what to do either.

Fig said...

Ah, I see. That's a lot scarier. For the love, Guille.

Steph said...

At least he had clothes on. LOL

My oldest sneaks Nutella... like 2 of the giant bottles from Costco gone in one week sneaks. Maybe I need to start hiding food in my room, behind the entertainment center, and couches. Then I will get some dang Nutella when I want it.

-Lindsey- said...

I say you show him a horror film, something really dark and creepy. My parents accidentally did that when I was your son's age and I never again left my room at night.

Just kidding. But I like that your son is so spirited. Just imagine the adventures you'll have when he's a teenager!

dalene said...

that is so awesome!

i recently seriously considered an alarm that goes off when someone exits the house. or maybe even their bedroom.

because yes, it does suddenly become more interesting when your escape artists become willful teenagers.

rich said...

Guille is such a boy. That's awesome!

Kim said...

We don't take credit when they do amazing things, yet are so quick to blame ourselves for seemed faults. It is ok, he will be ok, you will be ok. You are a great Mama (from what I read on your blog and on twitter and such..oh and I've heard stuff, like that you rock the party) so don't beat yourself up about it. Do what you can ;)

JMadd said...

I'm gonna go with genius. My sister tested at genius levels and she was always doing stuff like that.

Shawn said...

You and he will both survive this phase----and hope that it IS only a phase. If not, get those locks.

Sister Pottymouth said...

My mom had a deadbolt put into the top of the door to keep us in (or out, depending on whether or not she had just mopped the floors). I don't know how she managed to survive 5 very active boys, but apparently she really liked that deadbolt. I'm just sayin'.

Sue said...

I've raised all three of my kids the same, same dinners, same rules, same everything - but my middle daughter was just born hungry. She constantly wants snacks, and will resort to the sneakiest tricks in order to get them. I honestly don't know what to do about it. Let me know if you figure it out...

I'm still laughing about the SOMETHING on the edge of the blackness...

Jessica said...

I think it's the age that's the biggest culprit. My oldest is the vegetable-hater. Nothing will get the oldest to eat vegetables, so we bake them into things. You would not believe the scrutiny that he gives to all food (if it has herbs in it he won't eat it--those could be vegetables that might POISON HIM), but he has yet to figure out a way to spot vegetable puree.

My youngest is the escape artist. He mostly just uses brute force to get out--we have a chain lock at the very top of the door frame, and he once ripped the door molding off to thwart it. It's glued on with Liquid Nails now, we'll see how long that lasts. He's a runner, too--if he gets out he'll be down the street by the time you've gotten out the front door. I have a feeling that when he gets taller we'll need a keyed deadbolt or combination lock.

That Chick said...

Good gracious. I would have had an aneurysm.

thedoodlegirl said...

"it might as well be a sieve"--that, my friend, is so funny.

jet said...

I have an "Andrew" lock at the top of my door. It got there after he was out in the front yard one morning before I had even woken up. Love that thing.

taradise said...

I for one am impressed that you can have maternal/spiritual promptings whilst watching True Blood. I hear it's bad - bad as in dumb. True or false?

Raychill said...

He is staging a rebellion. An all out uprising... watch your back . . .

Britty said...

I love these stories of yours. They hit OH SO CLOSE to home. I have a hard time buying into the whole, "They're just adjusting to the change" idea. I have come to the conclusion that these crazy boys are just going to do whatever they want, despite consequences, until they grow out of it. I just wonder when that will be. Hmm...

C said...

Oh my goodness! As I was reading this post, all I could think of was...shape-shifter!!! :)

Pamela said...

I wish I could say something really funny to match this great post, but I can't. So I just wanted to tell you: I love your blog!