Friday, October 30, 2009

Nice Neighborhood

My new house is in a nice neighborhood. It's a neighborhood that without the significant downturn in the housing market we would never have been able to afford (thanks, Giant Pool of Money and Credit Default Swaps!) The manse is not a small house and is in need of some updating. We will be doing this updating in tiny increments so as not to interfere with our giant string cheese budget.

The funny thing is, people assume all kinds of things about us and our neighborhood. All kinds of solicitors try to get us to do stupid stuff. There was a dude yesterday who was selling a service of moving pictures from film to CDs. Really? I can't even express this problem without my brain growing an aneurysm. You want us to pay you to do something that we could easily do ourselves? And you want us to pay you to move a format that we no longer use to a format that we no longer use? GOBSMACKED. When Other Half got after the solicitor, the dude responded with, "Well, everyone is selling something."
Other Half removed that notion from the dude's cranium using lots of fancy mean words and some growling. He'll turn this place into the 'hood, like his native Florida, before we know it. Just kidding. Other Half didn't live in the 'hood (but Florida is still a hole with no mountains and lots of insane people.)

Can we talk about the fliers rubber-banded to our door? We have a few every day. I wish I could count the number of fliers pitching plastic surgery that are attached to the handles. REALLY? I know I live in a fancy neighborhood, but come on. If your idea of marketing technology involves advertising by neon rubber-band fliers, I would never, not in a million years, use your plastic surgery skillz.

A rumor has floated around for years, I even heard it when I was a child, that our neighborhood hands out full-size candy bars. THIS IS NOT TRUE. Even if it was, we will not be handing out full-size candy bars, not even the gross ones. I think we are going the individual M&M route this holiday, maybe it will confuse the hordes of strangers (honestly, they unload by the van-full) who descend on our streets in search of a full-sized Kit-Kat. NEWSFLASH: Put three fun-sized Kit-Kats together and it's THE SAME as a full-size bar. Do the math, or knock on our door and ask Other Half to do the math for you.

On that note, I'm going to bed, before midnight, because Hell called and they saw flurries.


b. said...

Before midnight: hahahahahahahahaha!

(and then I just deleted my way too many words comment)

You have a great place...I'm glad you found it.

Anonymous said...

Get ready for price inflation on your home repairs, too. We jokingly call it the "Grandview surcharge" (after our first home in a nice neighborhood). Workers see your place and tack on a couple more hundred or thousand dollars, figuring you won't even price check because you can afford it. Case in point - we had a plumbing repair. The first quote was $1100. I called around and we got the job done for only $380!! Grandview surcharge. Yep. Watch out for it!

craftyashley said...

Seriously, they do come in BY THE VAN full. It is insane. You should hand out Halloween edition bite size granola bars (they do sell them, I have a few bags to prove it) That will really teach those greedy little monsters from "the wrong side of the tracks."

Melanie J said...

I loved those TAL podcasts. Did you listen to the ones about the health care system from a couple of weeks ago? Fascinating.

Marianne & Clayton said...

Hey Richie Rich! Pipe down and give us our giant candy!

tricki_nicki said...

Dude. I can't figure it out (your comment I mean). Were you trying to say "Oh HI or HAY", or is it an abbreviation? Hey An Idiot? How Are Isotoners? I'm spending WAY too much time trying to figure it out. For the love, put me out of my misery!

Petit Elefant said...

That's great. I need plastic surgery fliers, my tummy could use a little pick me up. Save the ones that have lots of good photos, and make sure they use quality rubber bands, and that they're attached really well to the fliers. Heaven forbid they should staple my tummy and it would SAG.

Laura said...

I think most cities have the full size candy bar legend neighborhoods. One year when I was about 11 a group of kids from my side of the tracks (aka the po' side) fell for the tale, except in our story they gave out KING size bars.
I on the other had went to a lower middle class apartment complex. What I found was that going to apartments I could hit 8 doors in the time for them to travel between 2 houses in the ritz... thus I got 8x the loot.
And my friends were shocked. Not a single full size candy bar in the bag.

AzĂșcar said...

So true, Laura! We never had more than 3 or 4 trick or treaters at our condo, so we always had tons of candy. We used to hand out 4 or 5 pieces per child. Apartments/condos are where it's at!

Anne-Marie said...

I got it!

You live on Osmond Lane!!!

I might have to try the single m & m idea next year. very thrifty.

My Mom use to give out small tootsie rolls. We were so embarrassed.

JMadd said...

When I was a kid, there was rumor going around that an old lady in my neighborhood handed out handfuls of cash. Maybe I'm the one who started that rumor, and maybe it was partially true. I just never added the part where the cash being handed out was mostly pennies (2/3 of them Canadian)and that it was my cheap-skate grandma handing it out. I was a jerk.

AzĂșcar said...

JMadd, that is HILARIOUS.

Uhm, by the way, the rumor about full size candy bars?


I guess you just have to know the right houses and be from this neighborhood.