jetsetgreen

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Triple Dog Dare

A little known fact about me that is about to go nuclear: under a certain confluence of events, I can be dared into doing almost anything.

Do I know what those events are? Could I outline some sort of lunar calendar? Identify a bio-rhythm? No. It's just sometimes someone dares me to do something and I have to do it, absolute compulsion.

That's how I ended up in a Denny's restaurant last Friday eating a food construction that should probably never be eaten by a human being who wants to live to see another sunrise, let alone their grandchildren.

The lovely Famous Jay called me and said that our usual Friday lunch spot was going to be moved to a Denny's. I laughed, because why not, right?

On arrival I was presented with a menu by our very nice waitress. My friend Ryan leaned over to me and said that when presented with a menu, he usually orders the item with the silliest name. Clearly, the classic Moons Over My Hammy fit the bill.

Who hasn't eaten a Moons Over My Hammy? I don't think you can go to college without at least one questionable night in a Denny's eating a Moons Over My Hammy as the clock ticks to 2:15 am and the kid next to you explaining why Rage Against the Machine is really going to define your generation and that his Philosophy course would blow your mind because Camus is a freaking genius who really understands the modern condition.

So no, I didn't want a Moons Over My Hammy.

I spent the next 10 minutes trying to find something I did want to order. I didn't really want to eat any of it, but I was hungry. Oh, conundrums. I kept coming back to the first item on the menu: The Grand Slamwich; it looked terrible. Here's the description:

Two scrambled eggs, sausage, crispy bacon, shaved ham, mayonnaise and American cheese, on potato bread grilled with a maple spice spread. Served with hash browns. 7.49

We all debated what "maple spice spread" could be, with the consensus being that it was some sort of spray-on product. Nothing really sounded appetizing, and I had to order something. Rian dared me to eat it. He said if I ordered it and ate it, he'd pay for my lunch. He said it with his endearing sneer, just assuming I would never do such a thing.

We'd reached a Confluence of Events.


What happens next is taken directly from my Tweets:

@rianf will pay for my lunch if I order this: http://twitgoo.com/400om Worth it or too terrifying to contemplate?

It's too late tweeple, the Grand Slamwich is happening, like the KFC Chicken Bowl, must experience the cultural force of it all. I feel sick.I've made a huge mistake.The only way to rectify the horrific choice I made at lunch is to go vegan, for at least the weekend, maybe forever.I may have destroyed my digestive system.P.S. The vegans that just started following me based on my previous reference are going to be severely disappointed w/my future tweets.In an effort to ameliorate the debacle that was lunch, I did go vegan: http://twitgoo.com/40ox0 I feel a little better.
When I explained what a Grand Slamwich is, and that I ate it for lunch on a dare, DH already knew what it was. Can't say I am surprised.

26 comments:

Fig said...

My favorite was "I've made a huge mistake", of course.

Clear liquid dripping with not a tomato or lettuce leaf in sight? I'm stumped. Bacon grease, perhaps?

rookie cookie said...

This entire post made me continually shudder through each sentence. You built it up, I thought you weren't going to do through with it. And then you did! And I hated it! My no-breakfast-yet pregnant insides are rocked right now. I don't know what in the world I am going to eat for breakfast now. Whatever it is isn't going to stay down for long if I think about this post.

We could go through your mistakes one at a time, but I think the biggest one is getting something with a weird name. The name shouldn't try and out-do the meal.

And was the maple spice spread supposed to impress you?

Azúcar said...

I can assure you, I was not impressed in the least, not even after I ate the whole thing.

Mrs JP Chaos said...

My stomach now hurts just picturing it.

lisa said...

Mayonnaise is not clear...

Azúcar said...

What if it separated? Would it be clear then? Or are you betting on meat juice?

*shudder*

Cafe Johnsonia said...

You already know how I feel about the whole situation.

Azúcar said...

Delighted and repulsed, I KNOW.

camillion said...

Mayo DOES go clear, after a few hours under a heat lamp. So sorry, to you and your digestive system.

Stepper the Mighty said...

is it telling at all that as soon as you mentioned Denny's I immediately thought of the Moons Over My Hammy?

I'm glad you survived the clear liquid mayonaise. I only recently discovered that Mayo is supposed to be an egg product. WHAT THE - ?

Didn't make me feel the least bit better about it.

Sue said...

Everytime I go to Denny's I have a difficult time ordering because everything looks so GOOD.

(Something is clearly wrong with me.)

sara said...

So funny. And I'm pretty sure I was there for the RATM philosophical conversation back in the day. Although, my late-night Denny's visits (or more often Village Inn) usually involved eating a stale piece of pie after Club Omni had closed on Ladies Night.

My hubs suggests Denny's from time to time when we're out on a date and I don't know why he does; the eye-daggers cast in his direction are always inevitable.

Emily Hill said...

Oh, I am ill...but you are my hero! And a triple dog dare may be in your future. Just wait for a really late, really riotous Sassy night! ;)

MissMel said...

This is my favorite sandwich. I've even learned to make my own version of it at home!

Azúcar said...

Mel, that makes me happier than I could possibly express.

kiki said...

The clear liquid is the tears of the multiple pigs slaughtered just to be in that sandwich.

hannah :: sherbet blossom said...

I am guessing the clear liquid was the grease from the melted american cheese. I can't eat american cheese because it seems to sweat.

i still can't believe you ate that. of all people, i wouldn't expect you to. ;)

thedoodlegirl said...

ew!

Rebecca said...

I love your description of the college night at Denny's complete with the philosphy kid. So been there. So don't want to go back there.

Sarah said...

My digestive tract was ruined for a day or two from a Denny's sandwich.

erin said...

I warned you. And sadly, I wish I could say that the last time I was in Denny's, wolfing down crap food in the wee hours was in college. Halloween 2004 and I was in the company of two Smurfs.

Kalli Ko said...

at least we can admit we've all done it, Denny's I mean. It's like strip poker, right? You've played it once with devastating consequences and now you just wish you could forget it.

What?

No?

Only me?

shoot...

fijiangirl said...

When the hubby first came to America Denny's was his favorite place to go. he'd say lets go some place nice, like Denny's! It's taken some time but I've cured him of that... now we are working on the Olive Garden.

Pamela said...

It was nice meeting you last night (@ Delightful Diners). Who knew you had gone through such tumult a few days before. You were full of cool and calm composure.

Likely said...

MOMH is in the same category as RTFF at IHop ---

WHo orders that stuff??? Your poor tummy.

kiki said...

Whatever! MOMH is GOOD!!