jetsetgreen

Tuesday, December 01, 2009

The Alternator

The car is having trouble again. A new battery didn't fix it, which means we're looking at a new alternator. It would be better to do more than just look at an alternator, since looking won't make the car run any faster than it is now (which is not at all.)

The funny thing is that the car having trouble is not my twenty year old car, it's the ten year old car. No, my car, with its hole in the floor, no airbags, cracked dash, cassette deck, oxidized paint, rusting side, ripped upholstery, power nothing, and volume control issues, runs like a dream. E.G. informed me the other day that my car was "old" and "falling apart." I tried to turn it into a teaching/gratitude moment. "You know, we decided to get you a new house instead of a new car, don't you like our new place?"
"I liked the condo, you could run around the back of it."
"But you have your own room, and a yard, and a huge playroom!"
"I liked our old house. And you could have gotten a new car."
"Our car may not be nice and shiny, but it gets us where we need to go, doesn't it? Lots of people don't have cars, and we do!"
"I guess," he mumbled, unconvinced.

E.G., dude, if you're reading this in 15 years, I was faking it. I want a new car real bad.

Instead, I'm going to try to bribe a man.

You see, I make pies from scratch. I make a great deal of things, but I really like to make pies. I'm going to take this pie-making prowess and bribe petit elefant's husband into putting in a new alternator. Her husband, for those of you who keep up on these things, was separated from my husband at birth. They are the same person, in humor, temperament, inability to care about things they deem inconsequential, the level of fear they are able to induce in strangers for no reason, and acting in complete disregard for social niceties, only one can fix things and the other does not.

You can get in on this action, too--if you are handy, can fix things around the house, can do minor installations, or tile work, electrical wiring, know how to change oil, whatever, really--I will make you pies. I could even make you cakes. You ask nicely enough and I'll throw in a pot roast. I can't think of a reason this wouldn't work: you know how to install a light fixture, and clearly, you are also in need of pie. I forsee a new world order, based entirely around the free flow of baked goods as currency.

(That's got to work, right? Because mama doesn't want a new alternator for Christmas.)

24 comments:

Kim said...

If it will help sweeten the pot, I'll throw in some homemade chocolate dipped marshmallows for your new alternator. Mama needs a car that works, I SO get that.

Debra Fotheringham said...

If that doesn't work out I know a guy who would be more than happy to help out. He fixes your computers and cubicles by day, cars by night. He just fixed an estimated $900 repair job on our car for $70. And I know for a fact he is easily bribed with thai curry.

Kristina P. said...

I know how to make a Snuggie look awesome. I think that's definitely pie worthy.

rookie cookie said...

My husband is by far the least handiest husband on the earth. But having said that, he can make a pumpkin creme brulee that makes women say inappropriate things to married men. He can roast a prime rib (truly prime, not choice) that would make Lawry's swoon.

So if you car was in need of a good meal, then we would be set. I don't like making pies. Crust and I don't get along. You could make me a chocolate hazelnut cream pie. I could so go for that right now.

Marianne & Clayton said...

I don't know what I can do for you, but if you could think of something that would merit your coconut cream tarts, I will be in Utah for 2 & 1/2 weeks over the holidays. I could polish said car. Or organize your shoes? Or...

b. said...

I really like your Other Half...so chances are I'd really like pe's!

I've been meaning to ask OH if he knows any good math tutors.

Azúcar said...

OH is the only good math tutor he knows. That one's easy. If you can arrange for children to be transported to our house, we'll tutor them for free. I MEAN, I'm gonna need a pie.


Debra--You are the luckiest girl on earth, he's so sweet! And handy!

Kristina- I think you should just get yourself to Costco and volunteer to host a Snuggie in store event, you could sell a zillion!

Azúcar said...

Oh, yeah, Marianne, I made coconut cream pie tarts once, didn't I? Those were good. I will also take organization help. I can't do organization. OK, that's not true, I don't feel like organizing anything when I could...not.

Rookie- I will try to figure out a system of trade.

Everyone hear that? Kim's giving out marshmallows in my behalf.

Emily said...

Steve is not handy, unless it's whole wheat bread that needs fixing. But, if you need to threaten to sue somebody, he can do that. Me? I can watch children at a moment's notice, and will do so anytime for baked goods (that aren't pie).

Good luck with the car repair. Debra's guy seems pretty darn good. I'd like that number for myself, I believe.

Kalli Ko said...

We can share war stories, about how my hub's jeep has been out of commission for almost 2 months now while the mechanic goes out and builds up his meth empire instead. Ever had your car held hostage? ME TOO.

At this point I'd pretty much do anything to get it fixed for good so we can sell the stupid thing in Feb. when we pay it off. PAY IT OFF. I hate especially that it's all broke down and we've put $1800 and a new engine into it 3 effing months before we paid it off, and it still doesn't work.

Sue said...

Let me know how this works out for you, I have a basement that needs finishing.

Fig said...

Mine can tile. Good gravy, the man can tile. File that away for later.

But I would want cakes.

Azúcar said...

Oh, Kalli, Jeeps are teh suck!

Rachel said...

So listen... if it is an alternator issue, be sure to go to an auto parts place that will give you a rebate for handing over your old one.

You're welcome. No pie payment required. ;)

craftyashley said...

The hubs needed a new alternator in his crap car once. He went to the car-graveyard and bought one for cheap that they tore out of a different (although probably better) car.
Maybe that would help?

La Yen said...

I can replace the battery and the spark plugs. That is all.

And I can make a killer buttermilk pie.

And if I could get out there with the pie by BNL, I would trade anything for that.

Azúcar said...

Ashley, I have to talk him through putting oil in the car. Not an oil CHANGE, putting oil IN the car. There is no way, on God's green earth, my husband could ever step foot inside a car graveyard. I dream of such a thing.

La Yen, I want you to come to BNL so bad.

Debra Fotheringham said...

Yeah, I'm pretty darn lucky. He only has one flaw. He doesn't like baked goods. Working on that.

Carrot Jello said...

Uh...I can cut molding, and caulk bathtubs in a single bound.

dalene said...

i am handy. i can make pies. that won't get you anywhere, will it?

sarah k. said...

I trade bread for babysitting, mending for stained-glass supplies, and soap for the adoration of my neighbors. I'm for sale. But I can't help with the alt'nator. Or the new car. Carina, we still only have a Honda Civic. Only. If I could trade pie for a new car, even if I had to make pie every day, I'd so be on it.

craftyashley said...

Ha! No! There are people at the car-graveyard that do it for you and all you do is walk up to the desk and pay them for the used one. But the thought of MY husband doing anything car/mechanical like digging around for a new alternator makes me chuckle.
Heck, if you don't have car-graveyards there, give me the make/model/year of your car, and I will find you one down here. lol

Emily Hill said...

I love homemade pies and will willingly offer my husband to fix whatever you like. He refinished most of our basement by himself, including electrical and plumbing, and is also a computer guy. Have handyman, will pimp him out for pie.

Geo said...

I'm all for the New World Order, but for the life of me I can't come up with anything I can fix that you probably can't. That's too bad, because now your pies are taunting me.