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Thursday, February 18, 2010

Why You Should Have a Mormon Friend: Hoarder Edition

Mormons have a secret we're not telling you. We like food.

Well, duh, you're saying, of course you like food.

No, but we really like food. Look, we don't drink, we don't smoke, we don't latte, we don't do drugs, but we do do food. There's preparing food, eating food, sharing food, going out for food, it's a big deal.

(Like your mom.)

But there's another thing you may not know.

We hide food.

OK, not like, hide hide food. Think of us like squirrels, we put food away, we stockpile it, we built shelves in basements to handle all the food. See, a long time ago, our church leaders encouraged the members to put aside a year's worth of food. A YEAR? Yes. A year. It's not as crazy as you think. Storing wheat, flour, beans, dry goods, canned goods, etc., just requires a little know how, and some space.

Lately, all Mormons have been encouraged to have at least a 3 months supply on hand: food, hygeine supplies, contact solution, Diet Coke, cake frosting, you know, whatever it is that you need to function everyday. How? When you see a sale at the store don't just buy one, buy 12, and put them away. You do it little by little, every time you go to the store, buy more of something and put it on a shelf somewhere. Buy a big pack of meat, split it up into smaller portions and freeze. Eventually, you learn to rotate and keep more of certain things on hand, and you've got an emergency supply.

BUT WHY? Good question. In case, that's the answer.

Just in case you lose your job, in case you run out of money, in case there's a disaster (like a snowstorm where you can't leave your house to get to a store, ahem,) in case of ANYTHING. There's something about knowing that you could feed yourself and maybe your neighbors if the poop hits the fan.

Because if poop hits the fan in your neighborhood, Mormons may be the only ones with the goods to get you all through the worst of it. It's true: a Mormon friend will never let you run out of toilet paper, a Mormon friend will have more pasta, more canned beans, more canned milk than you ever knew you needed. A Mormon friend may even be able to bake you bread from scratch (from the wheat that they ground....yeah, we're hard core like that.) Man can't live on bread alone, but man certainly needs bread.

So there's your answer: you should have a Mormon friend because we can hook you up with the stuff you and yours need to keep living.

Come and knock on our door for a change!

And that's Why You Should Have a Mormon Friend: Hoarder Edition!




Warning: Don't come and try to just take our food storage, some Mormons store guns "just in case." No, it's no religion-specific; it's a Western thing, you know, like cactus, yee-haw, and shoot 'em ups, with a slight ring of militia.

50 comments:

Kara said...

So I have read your blog for a while but don't know if I have ever said hi, so hi! But, your post made me laugh because as you know the church has a emergency preparedness calling, when my dad was put in charge and it was at my house we had to meet ever few weeks, we formed what we called the island with some neighbors some of our neighbors are on our island because of their food storage, were picky what can I say~

the emily said...

This series is KILLING me. So funny. Sadly, we are not following the prophet currently and have about a one-day supply. It all started when we moved in across the street from a grocery store. Why stock up when it's RIGHT ACROSS THE STREET? Oh, and we're poor. That doesn't help either.

Jean said...

My parents knew a family that stocked up exclusively on chocolate and Coke. They figured if there were ever a real emergency, they could barter for the supplies they needed.

noelle said...

this serious is genius.

noelle said...

wait, did i just say, "this serious is genius?" thereby proving i clearly am not? i meant "series" not "serious".

sara said...

I love this series.

Amy said...

I'm a friend to many non-members and they have mentioned that I should get my butt in gear so when it hits the fan they can all live in my basement and eat cake frosting and brownie mix.

Fig said...

I have a year's supply of scented lotions. I am not kidding.

b. said...

Do NOT come trying to take food supply from my neck of the woods...we have BUNKERS, people...BUNKERS.
I suppose there is some safety by association for my family here. You know, just in case.

kiki said...

I do do food. *snicker*

kiki said...

Jean, I have a friend doing that very thing.

girlsmama said...

Laughing, laughing, laughing. You rock my world Azucar.

Walking into my food storage room and gloating, gloating, gloating. Oh yeah, we've got a specially built room people. It's even vented for proper temperature control. And there is diet coke, chocolate, top ramen, and if we get desperate wheat. It's a good feeling ya know?

And the gun thing, my BIL totally does. Don't knock on his door.

Rachie said...

Somebody once said to my visiting teacher: "Oh, yeah, Mormons... They're the ones that hoard food, right?" It's better than people thinking we're polygamists!

This post just reminded me--I'm down to only eight cases of Diet Coke. :/

jennie w. said...

Just so everyone knows, I will not be sharing my food storage with ANYONE. Especially not other Mormons who knew better but were too busy get their nails done and renting houseboats on Lake Powell to get their food storage.

Yes, I am the Ward Preparedness Specialist, why do you ask?

Sarah said...

Funny thing - I was just talking about this with a friend the other day. I guess on the military bases they would do inspections and all the mormon families would have food under their beds. The inspector thought those mormons were crazy until it was explained...

Kacy said...

I wish I were the author of this series. V. funny.

Hil said...

you seriously make me laugh. i'm not a good food hider mormon... should probably get on that.

rookie cookie said...

Brilliant post.

Here in The 'Tah, houses come with more storage than they do in California. Like basements and such. So in California, Mormons get a little crazy. Examples:
1. A girl in my ward in Upland lived in a two bathroom apartment, but it was actually one bathroom because one bathroom was set aside for food storage exclusively. Yup, the tub was stacked high with wheat. The toilet was stacked high with peanut butter. The sink was filled with cans of green beans. You could barely open the door.

2. I knew a family that didn't have box springs under their mattresses. They had #10 cans. And they weren't allowed to put anything under their beds because that was Mom's domain for storing food.

Emily said...

I think we all need to stock up on one item and then we can barter like Jean mentioned. I'll stock up on chocolate cake mix and tampons. Believe you me, tampons will be a hot item if there's ever a natural disaster! (And my multiple boxes of Girl Scout cookies? That's hoarding, not food storage.)

Annette Lyon said...

So true! Beautiful post, beautiful series. (Serious. Sorry, couldn't help myself. :D)

Fig said...

We recently had an interior designer come to our house to give us staging advice.

We had all our food storage (admittedly less than we should have, but way more than Oklahomans are used to seeing) in a bedroom. She was befuddled.

"I'm not sure what's with all the food in your second bedroom."

"We're Mormons."

"Oh, I get it! You know, I LOVE Glenn Beck."

Linda said...

Unfortunately I have not even begun to hoard and my neighbors would starve at my house. But I would still be a gracious host in case of famine or flood! Thanks!

Miggy said...

A couple years ago I remember seeing this lady on Oprah--I think the show was about shopping addictions--and her particular addiction was grocery shopping. So she had this HUGE amass of food in her basement, top notch 1 year+ food storage and while Oprah and her were discussing her "problem" all I kept thinking was how jealous all the Mormons were of her amazing food storage.

La Yen said...

"Halfway through the clean up process, Louanne discovers one of her favorite cats has gone missing. All progress must stop."

"in Malinda's room, an unsettling discovery is made in her mattress."

I love Hoarders.

Wait--this is different?

Kami said...

I love this post...sharing it tomorrow. Geez, some Mormon I am, I need to step it up. I need more wheat and vinyl lettering STAT!

Buscando la Luz said...

Stellar idea.

Totally sharing this. Our neighbors think we're nuts with our giant water barrels... we say, "Hey, we live in the DESERT! You know where to come if you get thirsty!"

Debbie said...

I live in the East, where Mormons are scarce. We have food. Lots o' food. When my kids have friends over they take their friends on the "my parents are nuts" tour and show them all the food! I caught one of my son's friends showing one of HIS friends our food (what the?) and asked him what in the world he was doing in our pantry. He said,"hey, if the apocalypse happens, he needs to know where to come for Golden Grahams"

Camels East said...

When we made the move out here to VA, the movers conversationally asked if we were Mormons. "Yup." Was my simple reply. They gave each other knowing looks, and I had to ask, "WHAT? There's just me, one wife, and we don't have a million kids, okay?" (I get asked about those two things a LOT out here)

They then replied, "Where's your canned milk? Can we get that out of the way? Cuz it's gonna be like a thousand pounds. WE KNOW."

I then vehemently denied the existence of any dried/canned goods. Until an hour later, when they found the collection of boxes labeled "Dried/Canned Goods."
Oh, that.

They laughed, and said, "TOLD YOU SO!.... Mormons."

72HourPlan said...

Hey Camels, I'm also in VA, where you at?

Great blog by the way! TOO funny, just got our Shelf Reliance storage thingy for Christmas.. too great!

Mrs. Potts said...

You should seriously make this series its own blog - it reminds me of "Stuff White People Like." It's so great.

Jill said...

In high school, I had a classmate who hated Mormons. a LOT. She came up to me one day and was telling me that Mormons do the weirdest things.
I asked her what things we do that were so weird, and she told me she thinks it's dumb that we store food.

Michelle said...

I'm loving your series. I liked the mention of wheat grinder. I have many friends that had the same wheat grinder I grew up with. It must have been the hippie return to nature/last days emphasis that came in through the seventies.

moosemuffin said...

Yesterday I called my hubby and asked him where he was (I heard noisy store sounds in the background). He said, "Costco."

"What are you getting at Costco?" (He had just been to Costco two days before).

"Toilet paper."

We are Mormon, so I didn't question it. We already HAVE 3.5 jumbo packages of Kirkland Signature T.P., but the cupboard in the bathroom was running low, so DH felt we "needed" more. We don't store wheat. But we store spaghetti and toilet paper. I'm running low on the diet Coke and chocolate, though. Maybe Jean and I can do a trade?! :-)

moosemuffin said...

Correction: Maybe the family Jean's parents knew would trade with me. Way to pay attention to comments, moose.

Marissa said...

I have to say, I am not a Mormon, but I've got to hand it to you guys - smart thinking on the food storage. I live in MD now and we were slammed by a huge storm (and inept plowers) and were housebound for a week. Luckily, I had been able to run to the grocery store before, but what if I hadn't? As it was, we were running pretty low at the end. Let me tell you, between that storm and this post, I bought a lot of boxed foods at the store today!

Judy Justice said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Judy Justice said...

Your blogg gave me a good laugh! I am not a Mormon but I do live in the West. Two years ago I decided to step up my food storage program. When the buckets of wheat arrived my son and daughter-in-law that have my only Grandchild raised their eyebrows. I said – I will put in the will Joshua, my Grandson, is to received Grandmas buckets of Wheat. LOL

Rebecca said...

My food storage always goes bad before I rotate. If anything happened, I'd have the biggest supply of expired goods.

Heather said...

This is awesome.

Heather of the EO said...

This is such a weird way to find out my mom is Mormon.

:)

I do have many a Mormon friend and I did not know this. Now I know who to ask for candy should there be a disaster and I can't get any. Thank you.

tricki_nicki said...

Oh hai!! I'm a sucky food-storage hoarder. I need to get with the program ASAP. You're so nice to say you'll share with your neighbors! My husband always says "the guy with the most ammo wins". He's generous like that.

Baleboosteh said...

I read on an LDS site once (can't remember which) that only 15% of members have the full amount of storage recommended by the church. That's sad, but anything is better than nothing. Here in the UK I would imagine the figure is even smaller. We are in a land bereft. No lovely LDS canneries, no lovely number 10 cans, no lovely dried egg powder. It is probably easier to buy hard drugs in bulk here than to buy hard winter wheat. I'm not sure how members mannage.

Now we are not LDS but my husband and I are committed to food storage. As Christians we believe it is right to be prudent and as prepared as we can be for difficult times and although we have a government welfare system we wouldn't want to be left totally dependent on it. But I would say food storage is just a big 'non-topic' in the UK. People look at you as though you are mentally afflicted for considering it. That's why I love posts like this: they make it sound so normal.

Julie said...

Actually the statistic is less than 5% of U.S. Church members have a year supply of food...it was a BYU study that is not largely publicized. The math doesn't work. You can't have 95% of people living off food stored by 5%. Then my year supply becomes a 2 week supply. (I was also the Ward Preparedness Specialist and I have people say all the time they are coming to stay with us. Sorry, we gave up vacations, etc. to be prepared.) The 5 virgins who were prepared didn't share the oil with those who were not.

Jonnalyhn Wolfcat Hall said...

*love* your post! My friends joke that my place will be the go-to spot for disasters, so that we can take care of each other. If nothing else, I know that I'm encouraging them by example to at least think about it and have a couple of weeks set aside.

by...K@ Ashcroft said...

*snort* I just found out about you today and I after reading the latest 10 or so posts I am left wondering where you've been all my life and why I didn't notice a void before. :)
Seriously.
The title of this post alone nearly made me spew my hummus on my monitor.
My boss refers to us Mormons as "horders" so I take this all very personally now, like a sign from God to read your blog. hehe
Your an awesome blogger ~ awe~gger ~ no wait.

:)

Brenda said...

It's not hoarding, it's storing. Hoarding is when you buy up stuff that is in low supply, and you might not even use it. Storing is when there is plenty to go around and you will use the stuff.
I was raised Catholic, and I can't imagine not having shelves and shelves of food "in case". Geez, what's the big deal?

rosarychaplet said...

i wish there were like buttons here. i'd press the buttons on each and every comment and article!

diet solution program said...

Thanks a lot for posting such an interesting article on essential common food items. It is a very useful post.

Kris @ Attainable Sustainable said...

Thanks for the chuckle. In what I find to be a humorous twist, MY Mormon friend has been picking my brain about how to can/preserve food. ;)

seanymph said...

Im not Mormon but I always thought this was a great idea. I mean you just never know when something COULD happen. Thats why all the crazies run to the store when they hear of a storm coming. I dont, I already have all I need. lol

When I was moving here I had shelves of stuff in my garage that the estimator for my move wanted me to get rid of. I said no.......and he said do you know how much that will cost you to move? I said do you know how much this will cost me to replace? He didnt argue. Funny his estimate was right on target too.

But Ive been planning even more since I moved here cuz we are out of work, its hard to find a job here. So this summer was canning madness too...added to all the rest. I do believe we will be able to get by for a bit now. :) Hmmmm I do have a Mormon church right at the bottom of my hill tho...my back door neighbors. I wonder if I should make a few friends there just in case. :)