Why You Should Have a Mormon Friend: Hoarder Edition

Mormons have a secret we're not telling you. We like food.

Well, duh, you're saying, of course you like food.

No, but we really like food. Look, we don't drink, we don't smoke, we don't latte, we don't do drugs, but we do do food. There's preparing food, eating food, sharing food, going out for food, it's a big deal.

(Like your mom.)

But there's another thing you may not know.

We hide food.

OK, not like, hide hide food. Think of us like squirrels, we put food away, we stockpile it, we built shelves in basements to handle all the food. See, a long time ago, our church leaders encouraged the members to put aside a year's worth of food. A YEAR? Yes. A year. It's not as crazy as you think. Storing wheat, flour, beans, dry goods, canned goods, etc., just requires a little know how, and some space.

Lately, all Mormons have been encouraged to have at least a 3 months supply on hand: food, hygeine supplies, contact solution, Diet Coke, cake frosting, you know, whatever it is that you need to function everyday. How? When you see a sale at the store don't just buy one, buy 12, and put them away. You do it little by little, every time you go to the store, buy more of something and put it on a shelf somewhere. Buy a big pack of meat, split it up into smaller portions and freeze. Eventually, you learn to rotate and keep more of certain things on hand, and you've got an emergency supply.

BUT WHY? Good question. In case, that's the answer.

Just in case you lose your job, in case you run out of money, in case there's a disaster (like a snowstorm where you can't leave your house to get to a store, ahem,) in case of ANYTHING. There's something about knowing that you could feed yourself and maybe your neighbors if the poop hits the fan.

Because if poop hits the fan in your neighborhood, Mormons may be the only ones with the goods to get you all through the worst of it. It's true: a Mormon friend will never let you run out of toilet paper, a Mormon friend will have more pasta, more canned beans, more canned milk than you ever knew you needed. A Mormon friend may even be able to bake you bread from scratch (from the wheat that they ground....yeah, we're hard core like that.) Man can't live on bread alone, but man certainly needs bread.

So there's your answer: you should have a Mormon friend because we can hook you up with the stuff you and yours need to keep living.

Come and knock on our door for a change!

And that's Why You Should Have a Mormon Friend: Hoarder Edition!




Warning: Don't come and try to just take our food storage, some Mormons store guns "just in case." No, it's no religion-specific; it's a Western thing, you know, like cactus, yee-haw, and shoot 'em ups, with a slight ring of militia.