Tuesday, June 01, 2010


I bought a brand new bottle of fluoride mouthwash for children a couple days ago. Why? Because cavities are way more expensive than mouthwash (but are certainly more amusing.) I supervise the kid's intake and expell of the stuff, because no one wants to be the mom whose kids developed a drinking problem from the Listerine (no offense, Dimetapp moms.)

Saturday night I put the kids into the tub and went to get a towel. I heard Other Half supervising. Someone screamed/hit/smacked/spilled on the other and so tub time ended prematurely (no hair washing.) A few minutes later I looked over at the counter and noticed that the full bottle of mouthwash now had one centimeter of liquid left. I looked at it again. I counted the hours since I'd purchased the mouthwash. I looked again. Still one centimeter, not even a decent American half inch.

"El Guille," I said, "Want to tell me what happened to the mouthwash?"

That's when he did his guilt-ridden posture: Mouth widening into a cheshire-grimace, shoulders raising, head-ducking, eyes like teacups.
"I...what?" I demanded.
"I wanted to see what would happen if I poured it all into the bathtub."
"WHAT?" I managed to get out, and then turned my head and pursed my lips to keep from laughing.
"I poured the whole thing into the bathtub. And then I got back in it."
"With your brother?"
Buzzed head nod.
"And..." *stifle* "What happened?"
"The color didn't change and the water didn't taste any different."
"Right," I said, and then sternly discussed a few notes about things costing money, and this mouthwash was supposed to last, and cavities, and responsibilities, and maybe Nero fiddling while Rome burned.
I repeated the story later to Other Half.
"Oh," he started laughing, "Well, that wasn't the only thing."
"Uh, when Proximo had to sit on the toilet, I maybe didn't clean him all the way off and just stuck him back into the tub."

Wow. What a hot pair we will be.

In totally unrelated news that bears repeating even if you've heard it before on Twitter:

Proximo ate the peanut butter out of the mousetrap this morning.

We're so proud.


Kelly said...

Oh my gross on your unrelated news!

Kelly said...

PS did your dentist recommend Listerine mouthwash to prevent cavities? I wouldn't believe everything on the label. Unless it has fluoride don't buy it. I am a Dental Hygienist. The best way to prevent is to remove plaque the old fashioned way by brushing and flossing.

sarah k. said...

I'm sure your bathtub is pretty clean, though. On the upside, I mean. Ever since I read Freakonomics, I've been trying to use Listerine as it was originally intended. I use it on the floor around the toilet, where the boys, um... anyway, it smells minty fresh.

From Freakonomics:
Listerine was invented in the 19th century as powerful surgical antiseptic. It was later sold, in a very distilled form, as both a floor cleaner and a cure for gonorrhea. But it wasn't a runaway success until the 1920s, when it was pitched as a solution to "chronic halitosis", the faux medical term that the Listerine advertising group created in 1921 to describe bad breath. By creating a "medical condition" for which consumers now felt they needed a cure, Listerine created the market for their mouthwash. Until that time, bad breath was not conventionally considered catastrophe, but Listerine's ad campaign changed that. As the advertising scholar James B. Twitchell writes, "Listerine did not make mouthwash as much as it made halitosis." Listerine's new ads featured forlorn young women and men, eager for marriage but turned off by their mate's rotten breath. "Can I be happy with him in spite of that?" one maiden asked herself. In just seven years, the company's revenues rose from $115,000 to more than $8 million.

Marianne & Clayton said...

Mmm, now I want some peanut butter with a Listerine chaser.

Tolly+L+L said...

Eating peanut butter is better than eating rat poison which is what my two year old recently did.

But don't worry -- my husband assures me it can only cause sudden seizures and/or temporary blindness. So...

Azúcar said...

Don't fret, chickens, it wasn't Listerine-Listerine, it was just the brand of fluoride mouthwash meant for kids.

And Tolly, that's exactly why I went with the traps we did: I didn't want to have to worry about the children eating poison, because they would.

Emily said...

It's good to know your life is as crazy as mine. Makes me feel a lot better. Oh, and my dentist is anti mouthwash (Kelly's comment above reminded me of that fact), which is my excuse for not grimacing my way through a thorough rinsing with Listerine. I'd never survive a shot of whiskey!

Kalli Ko said...

The mouth wash cancels out whatever else.

Azúcar said...

I sense a new game.

Mouthwash cancels out skidmarks, but not junta virus.

bernthis said...

rut ro. Yikes! I'm not sure which is more gross to me but suffice it to say, I think I threw up in my mouth a little just reading this.

It was so so great to meet you, btw.



{natalie} said...

where is mocktail tuesday??

Azúcar said...

See, this is the problem with tying things in with the days of the week: people expect you to post on that specific day, and I just can't take the pressure.

Maybe later. If I feel like it.

The mad woman behind the blog said...

This was the best thing I've read all day! How funny! Boys will be boys! (And I can so see my daughter doing this in a couple of years!)

Mindy Gledhill said...

Bahahaha! Love this.