Thursday, June 17, 2010

Why I Have To Win

I’m not competitive, I just have to win. Or be better than someone else. Even when I’m pretending not to be competitive for the sake of social grace, there’s a good chance that deep down I am plotting the revenge and total annihilation of my competitors.

I texted Noelle the other day “Just got a pair of Michael Kors heels marked down from $210 to $25. I WIN!” It just so happens that Noelle texted me back with the news that she’d hit a shoe sale and felt sort of proud of herself for a bargain on some shoes she got, and then I texted her. I declared victory without knowing that I was competing. That’s like The Babe calling it. Booyah.

Maybe it all started with the sticker books in the second grade. Who could get the puffiest, sparkliest rainbow sticker, or the smelliest scratch-n-sniff, all inside the cutest binder? The answer was not me. I’m still a little ticked. Megan and Jessica can suck it.

Could it have been the fourth grade spelling bee when they lined us all up in a room and I misspelled some word, who cares what? Now that I know that contestants are allowed by regulation a pad to write down the word first, I demand a do-over.

Knowing the answer first in class got me the nickname of Ponce in the fifth grade from my classmate Tom who was either impressed or annoyed that I answered which explorer went searching for the fountain of youth with “Ponce de Leon.” I was Ponce for the next five years, at least. Guess what? I WAS RIGHT. Face.

Or there was the time when one of my friends won the Make It With Wool sewing contest in high school. Actually, meh, who cares. It’s not like she cured cancer, or even won Project Runway.

So now that we’ve considered it, I guess I have two settings: a seething, death threat level of competition where I will unleash a temper in the form of a mushroom cloud, and not care.

Here is a list of things that might be considered engaging in competitive behavior and I just don’t care:
1. Basketball
2. House size
3. Collections of media
4. Running fast
5. Frolf
6. Highest hair
7. Nicest luggage. I think I’ve run out of things I don’t care about.

Even if I ostensibly never want to compete in something, I function under the labored delusion that if I were to compete, I would totally win. See, noodling.

Which is why my current standings at the very bottom of our office foosball matches, below employees who don’t even play, is eating at the very center of my soul. I went to sleep last night knowing that three disastrous challenges landed me in 17th place. The guy in 16th has never never even spun a spindle. I’ve brought dishonor to this house. I might as well start cheering for the Lakers.

In my only defense: Michael Kors does not make good foosball shoes.


Lara said...

First of all, you totally won on the shoes.

Second of all, I am also highly competitive. I have always attributed this to growing up with a bunch of brothers. I drive my husband nuts.

Veeda said...

You got those for $25? You totally win.

La Yen said...

I am exactly the same way. And I expect my family to be winners, too. So I have to work hard to not be THAT mom. Because "Really? Why not an A?" has totally come out of my mouth before.

We shall never compete. Unless we can both win.

And I hate foosball. So you can win at that. But I will always win at air hockey.

Amy said...

What the crap is Frolf?

That's Ms. Amy to You... said...

Where in the name of all that is holy and covered in mayo did you get Kors shoes for $25? That alone would be worth the plane ticket to come to Utah & camp on the doorstep of whatever fine business is "selling" (or giving away) such lovely footwear.

Anonymous said...

I feel like I should love those shoes, but just looking at them is making my feet hurt. Don't let that make you think that my closet is full of practical shoes. It's full of shoes that make my feet hurt. Because shoes that don't hurt are ugly. Oh, wait, were we talking about my psychological hangups, or yours?

So, back to talking about your hangups, I think I'm the same as you in that either I want to win or just don't care. (Okay, so I'm still talking about me.) And I did not know about the pad of paper thing and probably won't sleep tonight as I fantasize about what my spelling bee life could have been, if only. (Except for that these days I can't spell without the help of Firefox.)

Laquina said...

I established this about myself a long time ago, longer ago than you did.

I win.

Laquina said...

I established this about myself a long time ago, longer ago than you did.

I win.

Azúcar said...

I was here first. I win.

Azúcar said...

And Dear Mrs. Amy,

It's a little boutique called something like TJ Le'Maxx. I hate to even tell you because I don't want you to be upset since I'm sure you don't have one anywhere near wherever you are.

fijiangirl said...

love the shoes!

amelia said...

FROLF. Had no idea that was frisbee most hated "game," I thought I was the only one that hated it.

Melody said...

Who is Michael Kors? My peroneal tendons are happy I can't compete with you there. I win.

Kalli Ko said...

I would have rather been Ponce than Andre (courtesy of Andre the giant and my brothers).

And though I have a brother who makes a zillion dollars or something like that, I'm the only with a college degree...that now sits relatively useless.

I win?

RoseH_Huls21365 said...


Tiffany UnTwisted said...

Yes, I still stand by my original assesment that I just can't get into the shoes. Noelle may have won that one, although I have yet to see her shoes either. Maybe I need to see them on your feet? They look (and yes, this IS coming from me) a little like street walker shoes that may come unraveled at any moment. Normally, you know how I feel about Michael Kors so also, yes this is total sacrilege.

ali said...

I'll always remember the word that got me out of the spelling bee:


Damn the "c"

Vern said...

Somehow I've always known that I couldn't trust Michael Kors with foosball shoes. Still, it's good to be reminded.

Quinn said...

At least you win with some serious style, right? That's got to make your "competition" feel like it was just an honor to have you compete with them. ;)

p.s. how in the world did you find those shoes for $25?!! Incredible.

artemisandollie said...

I am participating in this ludicrous 6am fitness bootcamp where all of the women are a)almost twice my age and b) twice as fit as me. Other pertinent information is that I have never played soccer and have zero reason to believe I should be good at it. That didn't stop me from TRIPPING (at a full gallop) this nice lady who was attempting to take the ball from me. I scored.