Monday, August 16, 2010

What Happens When You Go to The Colbert Report

I was Jenny’s idea to check the Daily Show website for tickets. She saw that there were four available and I tried to enter our information. Before I could hit submit, someone else had snaked them the tickets. On a whim, I checked The Colbert Report and managed to snag three tickets. I tried to talk some of the other SocialLuxe Loungers into going, but they couldn't get away. I called Amy and she could make it! We took a cab to get to the studio by 5:15pm.

So this is what happens when you go to The Colbert Report:

  1. You stand outside on line during an afternoon of blazing heat and humidity for an hour. Hell’s Kitchen doesn’t seem like such a hyperbolic name anymore. The hair that you straightened at home in Utah 24 hours ago will be curled and frizzy.
  2. Since you took the red-eye in, you’ve been awake for 30 hours with only a 2 hour nap to sustain you. Standing on line in New York City will be both bizarre and exhausting.
  3. A girl who works with the production will try to get the crowd going and hand each of you a numbered card.
  4. You’ll be herded into a small room that is mercifully air-conditioned with your 100 closest friends where you’ll stand while they finish rehearsals for the show. You will want to sit down, possibly lie down, on a sealed concrete floor more than you have in years.
  5. You’ll get on line for the bathroom just so you can sit down for a couple minutes before the exhaustion overtakes you.
  6. The flatscreen will play clips of past Colbert Reports and you will laugh. You’re still standing.
  7. More production people will tell you how the show is awful if you don’t laugh and encourage you to laugh even if you don’t think the jokes are funny.
  8. They apologize for the wait (standing count: two and a half hours.)
  9. It’s been so long that the staff says you can turn back on your phone.
  10. You'll tweet something inappropriate featuring a prominent spelling error.
  11. You’re called in numerical order into the studio, where you’re threatened with grievous dishonor should you take any pictures. They mean it: the security guys are confiscating phones and cameras.
  12. The warm up comedian is a welcome relief.
  13. You might nod off a little.
  14. Amy'll try to have a conversation with you and you will keep falling asleep.
  15. Stephen comes out and does a Q&A with the audience as himself.
  16. Stephen is naturally charming and very, very funny. He’s clearly a gifted comedian with excellent improve chops. His makeup is so life-like, too!
  17. The show starts and the lady next to you will have the loudest laugh you’ve ever heard. The rest of the audience will turn sometimes to look in your direction. You feel like pointing to her so people don’t think it’s you.
  18. Tim Meadows comes out to be a guest character! He’s looking at the teleprompter instead of at Stephen during his response bits. You'll wonder how it will look later on TV, and it turns out that you can’t tell on the TV broadcast.
  19. During the commercial breaks they play Zydeco music that for some odd reason, you find invigorating. Everyone else is also tapping their toes. You'll briefly run through the steps to make a roux.
  20. Notice a production team member talking with the guest who is seated on the side stage during the commercial break. You will be able to tell she’s explaining that Stephen will run over and try to take credit for the applause, that this is a funny show and that the questions may be facetious. The guest seems nervous.
  21. You may nod off during the guest interview and the show will end.
  22. You’ll consider taking some surreptitious pictures with your phone, but the security guards are still confiscating small electronics.
  23. You could walk back to the Hilton from 10th Avenue to 6th trying to match Amy’s long stride with your bruised feet.
  24. You’ll walk another twelve blocks through the silliness of Times Square to the venue where SocialLuxe Lounge will be thrown the next night and grab some greasy buffet chinese for dinner. You’ll work a little longer to prepare for the party. You’ll not be able to recall how you got back to the hotel, but you will collapse into your bed.
  25. Stephen really was funny.


emily w. said...

I had a similar experience in the world of TV-making magic. I was recently an extra on my (and yours I believe) beloved Friday Night Lights. I've decided that it's a little like pulling back the curtain and seeing a little bald man instead of the great wizard. Something to check off on my bucket list but it's probably best to ogle Riggons from the comfort of my own couch. Although I did break the no cell phone law and snuck a picture of Coach and Mrs. T.

Emily said...

Funny how it's not as glamorous behind the scenes! I was an extra a couple times as well, though not in anything fabulous, and it was a nice little wake-up call. Here's to hoping our Ellen Show experience is at least a titch better come September!

ClistyB said...

#26. You'll wish you hadn't dissed flip flops because life might have been a little more bearable today whilst wearing some printed Havaianas.

Azúcar said...

Manhattan is not a beach. I wore Aerosole flats. They were still no match for miles of pavement.

Amelia Merritt said...

Popular industry saying, "The only thing glamorous about working in film is getting to say you work in film."

rookie cookie said...

Oh Stephen, how I adore thee.

I am so glad you were smart and made his show a stop on your trip.

Thank you for letting me live vicariously through you.

Likely said...

gosh I stink! I am in my own little pity renovation and family reunion world and I could have known you were in NY and given you suggestions on where to go. darn me. And you were 2 and a half hours from my casa. shucks. Well, if blogher is ever in DC or Baltimore, you best know that I best know about it. And you can stay in 1977 and I will gift you with a vintage suitcase, punchbowl or light fixture. Your choice.

Kristen {RAGE against the MINIVAN} said...


Melissa said...

I'm laughing my butt off, Carina! You're so hilarious.

Chris was spying over my shoulder while I was reading your recent posts & you know what he said? He said you're effing hilarious with your one-liners & should be writing for the Colbert Report. I completely agree.

KREW said...

I got to sit through a David Letterman screening a few years ago. The audience all smelled like wet dogs (it was hot AND rainy), and you couldn't see Dave because the teleprompter/camera was right in front of him. If you hooted and hollered for any reason, they booted you out (so I didn't). Sounds like the same experience regardless of where you go, but hopefully you didn't have to suffer through a HORRIBLE band, too.

Mary said...

Dying. DEAD. So jealous. I have a very inappropriate crush on Stephen Colbert.

Marie {Make and Takes} said...

So fun! I've been meaning to ask how it went. He's one of my favs! Sounds like a good time and worth the 2 1/5 hours to wait!