Friday, October 29, 2010

The AAP Wishes You a Healthy Halloween!

A good meal prior to parties and trick-or-treating will discourage youngsters from filling up on Halloween treats.
Consider purchasing non-food treats for those who visit your home, such as coloring books or pens and pencils.
Wait until children are home to sort and check treats. Though tampering is rare, a responsible adult should closely examine all treats and throw away any spoiled, unwrapped or suspicious items.
Try to ration treats for the days following Halloween.

Who is giving out spoiled candy? Is there such a thing as spoiled candy? I’ve never seen mold growing on a Jolly Rancher, have you? I’d suspect that “spoiled” looking candy was merely a ploy to remove the candy from our hungry gazes. As for unwrapped candy, I bet you’re talking about my neighbor’s caramel popcorn, in which case, mind your own business.

I'm glad you brought up suspicious items, uh, because I think I’m guilty. Several years ago when we were childless, carefree, and squandered our time doing Jupiter knows what, we forgot to pick up Halloween candy. When our doorbell rang at 5:45pm I had a moment of sheer panic as I realized the consequence I’d set up for myself: I’d chosen trick! Who chooses trick? It’s a national compromise: WE CHOOSE TREAT. I opened the door, admired the small ones, and excused myself to run around the corner to our pantry. I scanned the shelves and found them full of beans, which although magical, lack a certain je ne sais quoi in the Halloween department. The only alternative? The bag of mixed nuts in their shells I’d purchased with the best of snack intentions the previous January. So I hauled out the nuts, brought them to the door, and dropped a couple walnuts, brazil nuts, and a few almonds into their open bags. They looked at me in disappointment; their father laughed so hard he cried.

Nuts? Suspicious.

The next year I was ready, by gum, with Mounds and Almond Joys. The same small fry were our first trick-or-treaters. This time their mother laughed and thanked us for handing out candy kids don’t like but moms do. Fail.

Consider handing out pencils and pens? Do you know how many eyes you can poke out with a pen? I hope those pencils are sharpened for maximum abdominal penetration! Say what you will, but a mini-Snickers never killed anyone (although I have yet to see the new Saw movie, so I guess it’s theoretically possible.)

And AAP? I know you mean well, but telling me to feed my kids a healthy meal before trick-or-treating? I don’t know whether to laugh or cry. Duh, AAP. Maybe you should stop partnering with The Obesity Generators before you start telling me to feed my kids healthy foods. Up yours.

Now, if you'll pardon me, I need to hit the store and buy coconut-free candy.


Emily said...

You can still buy the coconut candy and then share it with girlfriends. I've already finished off a bag of mini Mounds. And our healthy meal before trick-or-treating is often a pumpkin-shaped pizza from Papa Murphy's. Hey, it has tomato sauce!

TopHat said...

When we moved to Indiana, it was right before Halloween and we were like the only kids in the neighborhood (very very very rural). I'm pretty sure people forgot it was Halloween because we got like 20 cents in pennies that year.

The next year we got King Size candy bars. When only 1 family shows up at your door, you can afford to splurge on Halloween candy, I guess.

Britty said...

Yeah! Up yours AAP! :) (I liked saying that, "Up Yours".)

Angie said...

The dentists will tell you to let them eat as much as they want right away and then throw the rest away and brush their teeth. One big sugar fest is better for your teeth than rationed candy over the course of many days.

As for candy being tampered with, no one has EVER reported an incident. It's all a Halloween hysteria myth perpetuated from the seventies to guilt the cute little old ladies making homemade doughnuts and candied apples into giving up and buying bulk candy to support the candy industry.

Anonymous said...

My kid is allergic to peanuts so technically a snickers could kill him. Oh well, more for me.

Azúcar said...

SNAP! Snickers are deadly!

3 Musketeers?

Can a Milky Way kill someone?

CKW said...

The part about the nuts and the disappointed kids made me laugh out loud! I hate to say it, but I don't think I would ever find myself unprepared for trick-or-treaters (any time of year, really) because I have junk stashed away everywhere 'for the kids.' And no, I am not saying that is a good thing :-)

sarah k. said...

Not only is tampered candy rare, there is only one (1) substantiated event in the history of Halloween. Go read The Candy Professor. I want to be her friend. And/or slave.

Annette Lyon said...

My daughter got a single Almond Joy tonight. She gave it to me.

Bless those who give out coconut.

ali said...

in all seriousness though, I think Halloween should just be a bunch of kids getting whatever the homeowner can find in their pantry. I can really get behind a holiday like that.

Julie said...

We handed out mini bags of chips this year and were greeted with disgruntled sighs. And left with a whole lot of plain Lays.

Tzipporah said...

We discovered, by accidentally leaving the candy out overnight, that raccoons prefer Reese's Peanut Butter cups.

Candy. Massacre.

All over the carport.

Bet their mothers didn't tell them to just eat two!

Steph said...

My Mother would likely give out spoiled candy... as long as she purchased it on sale. ;-)