jetsetgreen

Thursday, October 21, 2010

The Tabasco Affair

Immediately after telling El Guille he couldn’t go play at his friend’s house and instead had to come to the market with me, he had a Chernobyl Level 7 meltdown.

“YOU IDIOT,” he screamed.

Can’t say I’ve ever been called an idiot by my child before. He proceeded to rant, rail, kick, scream, and execute all manner of awesomely bad behavior (including trying to steal my purse.)

“You IDIOT!” he screamed three more times, once outside the car and twice inside it. Now, I don’t know what your managerial structure looks like, but in our house, that kind of insubordination is not tolerated.

I bought a bottle of Tabasco at the market. We were out. And I had plans.

On the way home, I offered EG two choices:
1. Clean the playroom
2. Four drops of Tabasco on his tongue

He howled at the choices and cried at the possible ramifications of either decision; weighing them both over and over until he’d worked himself into a virtual lather of tears and anguish.

He picked the Tabasco.

“Hold still,” I said, and ordered him to stick out his tongue. I dropped one drop onto it. For two whole seconds, silence. And then the freak-out started. The terrible sounds! The evil of peppery vinegar! I insisted he stick out his tongue again, and not willing to put up with a mini-tantrum at every drop, I put three more drops inside. Oh, the horrors! Never has a child been so brutally punished! Cursed be the Avery Island and its infernal Mcllhenny inhabitants!

"It's KILLING ME, MOM! I'm NOT KIDDING! I'm going to DIE! I MEAN IT!"

I went back to chopping onions.

After the ten longest minutes in the cosmos, EG said in a tragic voice, “Mom, it hurts so bad, I think I’m bleeding.” I turned around to find this:




Yes, that’s fruit roll-up applied to his face to mimic blood and to elicit sympathy.

It didn’t elicit even a drop of sympathy, but it did prompt me to laugh hysterically.

31 comments:

Randy said...

Wow that's awesome. Careful, though - he might develop a taste for Tabasco, and you'd have to up it to like Dave's Insanity Sauce. And then jail.

La Yen said...

Best kid ever.

But I don't know where he would learn such salty language.

Or dramatics.

the emily said...

I put Tabasco on my four-year-old's tongue once this summer for calling me stupid, and he has never ever called anyone stupid ever again. If I even go near that bottle, he has a major freak out. But I have to say, I felt awful about it. He drank like four cups of milk and then threw up like crazy. It really was too spicy for him, I felt like a total child abuser. So even though I threaten it, I'll never do it again.

Lindsey Johnson said...

Okay. This is good. I've suggested this type of consequence to Fred before and he didn't take me seriously. (Or was it the other way around? Can't remember.)

In any case, we just bought a huge new bottle of Tabasco a few days ago and I'm predicting it will be gone by the weekend. I have such naughty children, you see.

Momoko Photography said...

Oh the drama! I love it. Even with a camera in his face, he stays in character. Also, very creative of Guille, a trait from your side for sure.

Azúcar said...

Mo-- he didn't see the camera. I (obviously) used my phone. I took the photo quickly so he wouldn't protest the documentation. I only got this one shot before he freaked out again.

ali said...

love it. I must have the only kids in the US that like tobasco, so that doesn't work for us. We do the good old fashioned grounding/spanking/going to your room punishments. We're fans of the classics. I do have a cousin that puts her kids in a cold shower fully clothed though, and I'm just dying to try that one out...

Emmie said...

Could I could hire him to be a guest lecturer for my acting classes?

Marianne & Clayton said...

Would we rather him be in his therapist's office with nothing to say? I say gold stars to Carina.

Annette Lyon said...

Points for trying!

Amy said...

Not really one of the parenting moments you think about before having kids, but definitely a highlight.

The redhead said...

I also do not tolerate parental disrespect. However, I went the soap route. Something I promised my 8-year old self I would never do to my own children. Well, so much for that. Never thought of using Tabasco. That might be interesting.

jennie w. said...

I thought he was going to ask for some gumbo to go with it.

A Few Tacos Shy... said...

Tabasco is our punishment of choice for naughty mouths too. Despite being married to an actor and having very dramatic children, I have yet to encounter fruit-roll-up-fake-blood. I may have to suggest this to my husband for use on stage...

Anne-Marie said...

This was a lightbulb moment for me.
I have a 4 year old with a rude mouth sometimes. hmmmm....

Gretchen said...

Great, now I'm hungry for soft-boiled eggs and tabasco sauce. And fruit roll-ups. (Definitely not together.)

KateandMatt said...

When I was 6 or 7 I told my little sister (and coerced my other little sister CKW into doing it with me) that there was no such thing as Santa. Normally that wouldn't be a huge deal, kids debunk him to other kids all the time.

My problem was the timing, I happened to tell her this on Christmas eve, as we were in bed, trying to fall asleep waiting for Santa.

She was a little upset and tattled on us, my mom got us out of bed, took us downstairs and put lots and lots of Tabasco on our tongues. I don't know how much, but she was pretty mad and I remember her shaking it pretty hard. We had to sit there for ages. When we could finally spit, my whole mouth felt numb.

Needless to say, I've never ever, ever mentioned anything about the non-existence of Santa to any kid. Even to this day.

So great punishment!

soybeanlover said...

I've missed these El Guille stories. The fruit roll up blood is awesome. He could have a talent for special effects.

dmarie said...

you're the best mom! i watched a little boy EG's age shout at his mother, hit her, and spit on her in the gymnastics waiting area yesterday, and all she said was "hey there!". my daughter woulda walked out of there with a limp. okay...not really, but i LOVE the tobasco thing. my mom did soap. i have threatened it, but so far, my little flower has managed to steer clear of name-calling. next crappy tone gets the tabasco for sure. i'm pretty sure soap would make her vomit, and i would have to clean that up.

L. said...

Someone advised me to try Tabasco on my breasts to aid with weaning. It worked -- for a while, because I couldn't breastfeed while I was screaming in pain, ripping my clothes off and leaping into the shower. In restrospect, I can't believe I thought that was a good idea....idiot. (I can call myself an idiot, right?)

Trish and Greg said...

I developed an intense dislike for the hateful words my sibs and I wielded like daggers during our growing up years. The words were along the lines of "stupid" "idiot" "shut-up" "dummy", etc. They weren't curse words, just mean words; labels that were demeaning. They seemed to be very powerful weapons. So these words (and all curse words) were banned from my own household when I became a mother. The punishment for using them was red hot pepper sprinkled on the tongue.

And each time I broke the rule, my kids marched me to the spice cabinet to receive my punishment! lol! I'm mostly trained, now.

vanessa said...

oh no no bad bad flashbacks involving my dad and kimchi are happening right now.

beckmarsh said...

Oh my goodness friggin gracious. My 8 year old has a behavioral doppleganger on the other side of the country.

Suzie Petunia said...

Is it bad that I want to try that on my own kids? I CAN'T WAIT until one of them back talks! Shouldn't be too long... it never is.

Your kid has a future in drama!

amy said...

That is hilarious. I love the expression on his face. I've tried Tabasco before by my little 7 year old puts it on her scrambled eggs so the threat doesn't carry much heat.

Channy said...

I think this is awesome and I will have to keep it in mind for future reference.

Bek said...

Ali-- in my house we call that a "sad bath". It works. We use vinegar at my house. It is a good consequence b/c the treat works anywhere. Church? Oh, I can and I WILL vinegar your tounge. Target? Tantrum? Oh wait, I have some in my purse. :-). I have one kid who likes it ( and tobacco) but for the rest of them, my go to sassy mouth remedy.

Love the fruit roll up drama. Oh, and that is my sister Kate that told the Santa story. To this day my mom doesn't remember doing it.

Bek said...

Woah, he likes tobasco, not tobacco.

kristib said...

His face is hilarious! I can't believe he took the time to apply the fruit roll up and still had that giant pouty face. We've used hot sauce, soap, and my personal fave- wasabi. That produced an awesome freak-out. You should try it sometime!

Mary said...

Wow, when I saw the picture I was trying to figure out how his face scabbed up from a little Tabasco. LOL, funny kid.

repentantsar said...

Oh my goodness. A family friend took his son's sippy cup away when he applied the Tabasco, and when he tried to explain to his son why saying bad words was wrong, the little boy interrupted with, "That's not the point! The sippy's the point!"