There is absolutely a reason why I’ve eaten two Wendy’s sour cream and chive potatoes in the past twenty-four hours: they’re the only thing that have made me feel human.
The nausea is overwhelming; it covers me with unceasing waves. All I can do is lie prostrate on the sofa wondering why I let myself get knocked up again.
It’s not like I didn’t know this could happen. Do you remember August of ‘06? I spent that month with my body buried in the couch, turning over only to call another Thomas and Friends episode from the On-Demand menu while my toddler rotted his brain. Just call November ‘10 the remix.
Other things I have eaten in the past three weeks because they helped:
1. In-and-Out cheeseburger, extra pickles
2. Subway sandwich comprised of 70% banana peppers (the sandwich artist couldn’t believe how many peppers I made her stuff in that thing. The answer is NOT ENOUGH.)
3. Two small bags of BBQ Cornnuts (A brief flirtation that ended quickly. Nevermore, quoth I)
4. Pickled beets
5. Pad Thai
6. Four boxes of Crispix cereal
7. A small Frosty
8. Half a can of corn
9. Miso soup
10. Maybe I drank the pickled beet juice straight up
We still haven’t told the kids. I want to wait until Christmas to surprise them. So don’t bring it up if you see them. And why are you seeing them? Don’t be weird, guys, and stalk my kids, because that’s so passe.
Morning sickness! Debilitating! Must eat every two hours or suffer the dire and humbling consequences! Word pictures! So fun and interesting!