Tuesday, December 14, 2010

The Blog Also Rises

“Where have you been, freak?”
“Blog? Is that you?”
“Yes, where have you been? It’s like you dropped off the face of the earth.”
“I’ve been sick.”
“Am I supposed to feel sad about that? The nausea can’t be that bad anymore, and you can write through the dry heaves. You’ve already done this twice before.”
“It just feels different this time.”
“You always think that, but the truth is that morning sickness is morning sickness and any self-respecting writer can write through anything. Think about Hemingway; he wrote everything in a revolving state of drunk and hungover.”
“Maybe that’s why I never really cared for Hemingway.”
“No, you never liked him because he was annoyingly masculine.”
“Guns and women and war and guns and killing and colonialism and manhood and GAH.”
“Right, but one of you is famous and the other of you spends most of her day face-deep on a sofa wondering when the next wave of heaving will reach her metaphorical shore.”
“Can we talk about something else? Please? In a hurry?”
“What’s that in your hand?”

“It’s a list of questions El Guille wrote down for me to answer.”
“HA! It’s all math questions! No one can doubt the parentage of your child now!”
“Wait, was that ever up for debate?”
“Nevermind. How is the fetus?”
“Sucking the life out of me. Remind me why we do this?”
“You’re creating humanity anew! Experiencing the incredible life force! Every new baby refreshes the world! Or maybe that’s a Pepsi. For Sale: baby shoes, never worn.”
“Enough with Hemingway, seriously. Plus, that story might not even be attributable to Papa.”
"Oh, sure, go check Snopes. Can you do anything ever without checking Snopes?"
"It's just a useful repository of which people should perhaps avail themselves more often."
“Yeah, we're all impressed you can use the Internet. Let me ask, are you craving anything interesting?”
“Meat. I ate a hunk of ham for a midnight snack the other night. I felt so primal.”
“How Green Hills of Africa of you.”
“Stop it.”
“I thought you were into Asian foods, like last time.”
“After an unfortunate night following a maiden voyage to Pei Wei Diner, we might have cut that obsession short.”
“Can you really vomit on command?”
“Wow. I’m kind of impressed. Can you stay awake?”
“Not for a million dollars.”
“So you’re a narcoleptic refunder? What a delight!”
“I’ll say.”


dalene said...

"Or maybe that's a Pepsi." Loved this. Feel better soon!

sarah k. said...

Ooh! Ooh! I just read in a book (I'm awesome) that the only time humans REALLY need meat is during pregnancy and lactation. Go for it. I always wanted rare steak, which was not even something I grew up with, I mean, at all. Or ribs.

(the book i read was 'born to run' which has changed my life. it's a kick to read, and explains so much about humans and myself. you should read it.)

Azúcar said...

Sarah, I'll find myself snacking on protein all the time. The slow-cooked pork from tacos last night? I kept sneaking more of it. The other thing I still want all the time is fish. I've been wanting to read Born to Run for the longest time. Have you made the switch to running without shoes? I'm so fascinated...

Brinestone said...

I never thought the "Baby shoes: never worn" thing was that great of a story. I mean, the point is that you know everything that happened and it's so sad, etc. But if any of you have actually owned baby shoes, you'll probably know that the NEVER get worn. Babies don't need shoes, and if you force them to wear them, they'll probably kick them off if they're anything like my kids. I got rid of my baby shoes, never worn, once my second baby got through not wearing them.

Rebecca said...

I love this! Just the laugh I needed this morning. Though your morning sickness sounds like a serious drag. I don't know how any mother-to-be functions at all, what with the nausea and fatigue. But good on ya! :D

sarah k. said...

I've started running again, and I have tried it barefoot, bot only for 1-2 blocks at a time. The biggest constraint right now is the 15 degree, plus wind-chill (2 degrees) pavement. Once your feet get numb, you can do some serious damage. I run in some 1/2 inch soled casual sneakers with no built up heel, and I pay specific attention to forefoot strike, rather than heel strike. It's miraculous.

I only go 1 to 1 1/2 miles at a time, and my shins are sore in a way I've never had before, but it feels so right. I take my shoes off at the end, when I'm really warm. It's kind of like my feet have been wishing for this my entire life. And my hips don't

You should read the book. It would only take you a coupla hours, and it's a great read, full of crazy characters and suspense-filled races, and lots of scientific argument about human physiology.

the emily said...

Maybe this time it really IS different. I had 2 boys first and was sick, but it was NOTHING compared to how sick I was pregnant with #3, which was a girl. I swear girl babies make you sicker.

Azúcar said...

Emily, I can only hope!

Sarah- 1/2" soles? Like Keds or Converse?

Rebecca, just one more reason all mothers are saints (snicker.)

Brett Merritt said...

You. Funny even in pain.

candyass said...

Diet coke right out the nose on the narcoleptic refunder comment. You, my perfectly accessorized friend, are the funniest.

Emily said...

This had me laughing after a very, very long day. Thank you. (And for some reason I have no desire to be pregnant...)

Azúcar said...

This morning I got in trouble. Turns out that quiz? There was a backside to it. I didn't complete the whole thing. Am irresponsible student who doesn't follow directions!

sarah k. said...

Yep, the new balance version of keds. I had even read the stuff white people like entry about new balance before I bought them, but the just fit all my requirements.