Wednesday, December 29, 2010

A Cover Song Makes Me Lose It

The iPod in my car started playing Jeff Buckley’s Hallelujah about ten minutes from my home this afternoon. I sang along with Buckley and started crying. In my primary defense, I am thoroughly pregnant. I have no accountability on emotional control. Second, David’s story always upsets me with its trade of eternal glory for obsessive love; it is utterly human.

My friend Andy asked his Facebook friends to name their favorite Old Testament story. I could say David, but he just breaks my heart into pieces, he’s not my favorite. I answered Hannah and Samuel, because her story can make me cry even when I’m not pregnant. (Truthfully, I love the Old Testament and its wild stories: women killing men with spikes, hiding idols under clothes, lies, battles, cursing, prophecies, poetry, and enduring love. Do you remember that after Hannah gave her beloved, longed-for, adored child to the Lord, she visited him every year? And every year she brought a new coat she’d made for him? Sniff.)

With the exception of persistent episodic crying, each of my pregnancies has been very different. Last time, I was sick for seven months. My temper was ever seconds from exploding. I went through most days unbelievably angry at everything. I had a high-pressure executive job with an underground parking space and serious responsibilities. Consequently, my blood pressure was a constant concern. It wasn’t until a strict talk with the midwife and a renewed commitment to daily yoga that I was able to control my temper.

This baby makes me sick and tired.

Not the kind of sick and tired that your mom used to get when you wouldn’t pick up your room, left your backpack in the hallway, and your friends had eaten all the Fruit Roll-ups, but the separate notions of both a.) sick and b.) tired. Oh, and I forget about c.) absentmindedness. I simply don’t have a lot to get angry about. I should be more stressed about the lack of regular income that I’m bringing in, but I have acquired some sort of happy faith that our situation will resolve itself in a happy way.

The angry pregnancy created a calm and sweet baby. Will this calm pregnancy make an angry baby?

I forget where I’m going with this post...


La Yen said...

Yes to all of this, except for the last question. That is a no. But maybe a calm pregnancy will bring a baby who has no interest in destroying valuables?

Mary said...

I predict this baby will be a Mini You. A fiesty, intelligent little baby Azucar.

i i eee said...

I second Mary's prediction.

Andy said...

Second in-post shoutout.

One love, dawg.

gurrbonzo said...

Not only did I enjoy this post, and not only am I sympathetic about your sickandtired, but there's something you should know.

A woman in my ward recently referred to "Hallelujah" as "a remake of that Shrek song."

Erin O. said...

I am currently angry-pregnant. Here's hoping for a mild mannered babe from the whole exercise.