Friday, January 28, 2011

Enjoying TV that Horrifies You

It’s no secret that I enjoy TV that horrifies me. Aghast and appalled are such delicious feelings, n'est-ce pas? I was watching American Idol when it occurred to me that if I were the sort of person to whom fame was a concern, my baby could be on that show in 16 years. That’s not very long. I clearly remember what I was up to 16 years ago (and if you can’t, perhaps you’re too young to read this blog.)

With a shudder of evil delight, I tracked that my baby could be on Toddlers and Tiaras in less than four years (because for maximum horror potential, the child should be a veteran pageant competitor by age three.) Have you seen the show? I hope you have. They feed the children Coke, coffee, and line after line of Pixie Stix. Drugged with legal substances! Children who are spray-tanned and have manicures! Exhausted toddlers who can't cope with the pressure being forced by their parents to walk on a stage and/or get yelled at! Toddlers who repulsively yell at their moms (and whose moms actually take it!) Moms who call their babies "divas" without a trace of irony!

But wait! At this very moment, I should be preparing for my I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant appearance! That’s the show where women try to convince you that they did not know they were pregnant until they had their baby in their pants. While they are trying to convince you of one of the least likely possibilities ever, actors stage reenactments that sometimes even include the actual 9-11 call (because the women always think they are dying. Joke's on you; it's a baby! A baby that will try to kill you someday anyway.)

Maybe I should have the “surprise” baby on a horse farm! I could tell them that I’d been busting broncos all day and felt a little tired, but had been a little bothered by what I thought was indigestion from the chuck wagon jalapenos (I might be getting horse farm and old west ranch mixed up.)

Stacey suggested a chair lift above a ski resort. What a killer TV reenactment that would make! The actress who plays me, stranded on a chair lift, surrounded by sweeping vistas, terrified unrelated tweens next to her, horrified skiers below, a shot of something red dripping onto the snow. Wicked reader Sarah suggested the Olive Garden. “Welp, I thought it was just the fra diavolo sauce actin’ up, or that the breadsticks were disgreein’ with me. Turns out I gave birth to the kid right there, at table 38, the waiter caught it.”

I’m hoping for a reenactment that has the actress vaguely beached; surrounded by empty bags of CornNuts, boxes of Totino’s Party Pizza, and 2 Liter bottles in various states of drainage. “I thought I’d just overdone it on the Mountain Dew and pizza rolls, and needed to poop real bad.”

The reality possibilities are endless!


Kalli Ko said...

"just thought I had to poop real bad"



dalene said...

STOP! I'm eating! That'll teach me to catch up in Reader and eat at the same time.

{natalie} said...

a girl at work has a sister that didn't know she was pregnant. thought it was really bad cramps. nope, baby. i'm not kidding. it was 6 months ago. i JUST DO NOT UNDERSTAND HOW YOU DON"T KNOW YOU ARE PREGNANT!?!!? it doesn't make sense.

ps let me know when the party is and i'll bring the pringles

Likely said...


CornNuts, totinos, various stages of drainage -- where do you come up with this stuff??? I seriously LOL-d on the "I just thought I needed to poop real bad" part.


I never understand those chicks either. I saw one once where there was a girl on a college soccer team until she was like 6 months pregnant. WHAT??? dude.

Likely said...

"I just kept thinking there was a soccer ball under my shirt"


Em {orange + barrel} said...

You have to listen to last weeks This American Life where they have one of IDKIWP ladies on the show, it's awesome.

I still don't believe them they have to be in denial!!! But I keep watching!

The redhead said...

Quoted by Jet Set. Awesome.

I just thought of one more: while snorkeling. Surprise baby enters this world calmly via water birth. Mother is stunned by the unexpected sea life.

You're right. The possibilities are endless.

Melanie Jacobson said...

You know, I never really bought into that whole "I didn't know I was pregnant" thing until one of those ladies was on this week's This American Life. Then I believed it because everything Ira Glass says is true. If he says she didn't know, she didn't know.

dmarie said...

i am in serious danger of peeing my pants from the laughter. you slay me. hahahahaha.....

Mary said...

I didn't Know I was Pregnant is the most fascinating show I have ever seen. I am a IDKIWP junkie. For reals, I cannot tear myself away.

It is so... mind boggling. I am 6 months pregnant and you can see my belly from space. But, you can also see the baby's movements from across the room. How do these women not notice this??? Not to mention all the barfing, heart burn, aching hips, etc. etc. etc. I mean... ??????

It is madness. I can't get enough.

Stepper the Mighty said...

You forgot Hoarders. Which would probably be pretty easy to pull off 'cause sometimes, all the baby gear makes me feel like I'm trapped in the home of a hoarder. A hoarder of plush and pastels! HORROR!

Off to go have a listen to Ira and the This American Life spot!

Azúcar said...

BE CAREFUL. Just listen to the first story. Do not listen to the second one. Just don't. It's the episode called "Slow to React."

I listened to the second story and then couldn't sleep until 4:30am. Ira was all "this story isn't for kids, do not let them listen." Truth is, it's NOT FOR MOMS, EITHER.

I may never sleep again.

Momoko Photography said...

Your trash t.v. choices are much more palatable then mine. We don't have cable, whatsoever, and I'm like the home school kid at public school for the first time picking out friends who aren't my siblings. The wrong kind of friends who introduce me to purple soda and flamin' hot cheetos. I.e. Jersey Shore, I love New York, Rock of Love...and the list goes on.

Katie said...

I turned I didn't know I was pregnant on while at my grandma's house over Christmas and it totally cleared the room.

I had the whole place to myself to enjoy the craziness.

Occasionally family members would walk by, look at me, the TV and back at me, shake their head and book it.

Best hour of the whole week.

Marie said...

It's a good thing I don't have cable. Wowsers.

Several years ago a roommate and I tuned in to that (now defunct) reality show called The Swan, just so we could have our facts straight when we told everyone not to watch it (you may recall that this was a weightloss competition that also involved lots of plastic surgery -- extremely twisted). However, we were horrified to find that while we were utterly repulsed by the show, we could not stop tuning in to watch it, week after week. I still sorta feel like I need to confess it to my bishop.

Kacy said...

If you are serious about Toddlers and Tiaras you need to get your child fitted for her "flipper" right this second. I support the pageant moms in so far as they make me look really awesome as a mother in comparison.

Jenny said...

Its too bad you can't be on one of those teen mom shows. Those are worst.